My “missing cat” has been found, and doesn’t want to come home!

[unhappycat]

Backstory: I rescued a cat in February. The foster family I rescued him through, wasn’t an official foster family (ie through a charity) but the lady had taken the cat in as he had been mistreated in his other home. She said he was around 1 years old, great with kids and dogs but not so great with cats (she had 3) so needed to rehome him.

I have two young children and have a lot of support from my parents who come to the house a lot with their dog who cannot be left at home alone (a whole other thread needed about that!)

It quickly became apparent that the cat did not like dogs. Fine, when my parents dog was in the house I would keep them separate. But he also clearly didn’t like being around young children, noise etc. He would often bite and scratch me unprovoked and after a couple of months I started to let him outside to burn off some energy and he would return in late at night.

I was concerned that he wasn’t happy here and would probably benefit from a home with no children/visiting dogs.

Then one night he didn’t come home. I was frantic with worry that something had happened to him, put up posters locally and on Facebook.

4 months has since passed and I received a message from someone in a very nearby street stating they think they have my cat. I went round to see if it was him. I walked into the house and he was happily lying on a cat bed, and had clearly been very well fed and taken care of! He wasn’t happy to see me 😂😂. Neighbour confirmed that he has been feeding him and letting him into the house for 4 months… I don’t know all of the details but the house didn’t appear to have any children and it was apparent cat was very happy there. Attempted to put the cat in a cat carrier but he was absolutely furious and wouldn’t get in! So I ended up driving home with him on my passenger seat with him growling and jumping around the whole time.

As soon as he got into the house he got distressed and ran to the back door, making an awful growling noise as if he just wanted to be outside.

I am concerned that it’s not going to work out with him being here, he has essentially been living at my neighbours house for the same amount of time as he was with me… and was clearly happier there. But where do I stand with this? Could I offer to let him stay with the neighbour if he’s ok with this?

When you have a pet, the animal's welfare has to come first. If a cat is seriously miserable, they will find somewhere else that suits their needs better, and this is what has happened. The cat has chosen a home he likes. If the people are happy to keep him then that would be the best solution all round really. You will need to get the microchip details sorted out though.

And yes, this situation has happened to me. I did once 'lose' a cat to a neighbour. She much preferred being there instead of at our house, so in the end we came to an arrangement with the neighbour.

It sounds like the neighbours don't want the cat either. Maybe he's not into people and he barely tolerates them too?

They've had your cat for 4 months. I think if they were keen they would have jumped at the chance to keep him. Poor thing, it sounds like he's always being moved from pillar to post.

That’s such a hard situation, but honestly it sounds like your cat has chosen where he feels happiest. Cats can be very particular about their environment, and if he’s more settled in a quieter home without children or dogs, then maybe letting him stay there would be the kindest option for him (and less stressful for you, too). You’ve given him a chance at a safe, loving home, and by allowing him to stay where he’s clearly comfortable, you’re still putting his welfare first. It might feel bittersweet, but you’d be doing the right thing.

Legally, the cat is yours since you rescued and rehomed him, but in reality, cats often “vote with their paws.” If he’s been living happily with your neighbour for four months, and he’s distressed in your house, you could approach the neighbour and have an honest conversation. Ask if they’d be willing to keep him permanently, and if so, you could formally transfer ownership (some vets or charities provide paperwork for this). That way everything is clear and above board, and your cat gets the environment he clearly prefers.

I had a similar situation where my cat kept disappearing and I had no idea where he was. Eventually turned out he'd pretty much found a new home nearly with an older couple.
We tried to bring him home several times but he wouldn't settle and just went back there. Eventually became their cat instead and had a good home with them.
Our cat was here before our first child, and was a happy cat with us until our child started walking. There wasn't anything we could do to change the situation. We now have cats that we introduced to the household as young rescue kittens into a busy house and they are fine and adaptable to noise etc.

I would have a chat with your local cat shelter. Ours has a number of cats that have not got on with previous owners and they have notes on their pages on the website like no kids or other pets etc. If the cat is so unhappy then rehoming might be the kindest thing.

In my experience, rescues do sometimes lie to get the animals homes/get things wrong at times. We had a two week trial adoption period with a "lovely dog, didn't get enough attention at home, family had recently had children and he was left out and handed back to the rescue. Good with dogs, sweet animal". Got him out and walked him up the road from the rescue and he tried to launch himself aggressively at another dog. Got him to our flat and he did it to every dog that came near. He was not small, and we didn't have a garden to take him out to, so everywhere he went he was extremely stressed and looked like he wanted to maul another animal. He guarded the door of our flat every time he was home, never took his eyes off it. It was so sad. We felt horrible but had to send him back as our neighbours were extremely not ok with having a potentially aggressive animal onsite and it was very understandable. If the rescue had been honest in the first place, we wouldn't have agreed to the trial period, and he wouldn't have gone through the upset of having a home, then not. I don't think this was your fault. It sounds like the foster gave you misinformation tbh. It must just feel very shitty.

I think you have your answer I’ve always been told cats pick you. If they don’t want him they will get in touch but right now the cat wants them.

It’s sad for you to not get him back but I think he’s better off staying put if he’s happy there. He probably associates you and your house with the dog so he’ll only be anxious if you take him back with you.

Any update?

This is why many people prefer dogs.

I think you're within your rights to be white forceful OP. They shouldn't have been feeding him! They've taken him and obviously regret it, I'd just keep letting him go back there!!

Yes agree with this. Some cats just hate noise, other cats, dogs, children and some adults!

I'd ask her if she wants to keep the cat and give her all the cat food you have. Hopefully she'll keep the cat. Explain that the cat hates being at home because of the kids and parents dog that visits. Also tell her the next option is to send the cat to the shelter. She'll probably keep it after you say this.

Maybe they just didn't want to pressurise you into letting them keep him? They might be delighted by the offer

Any news? Fingers crossed that they want him, sorry for you and your family though!

you should have left him there. cats choose us not us them. take him back but leave him in the car and go and tell them how unhappy the cat is back with you and would they like him as he obviously has chosen them. take all your cat litter and food and stuff in case they say yes. they will.

Let us know what they say

Please let us know how it ends! Did you call and offer the food for example? What reaction did you get?

Hi all
apologies for the delayed update.
So I contacted the neighbour again, I was very polite but firm and said that it was really clear the cat wasn’t happy here, and was much happier there. And that I didn’t feel it fair to basically bring him back here where he’s unhappy to have to keep him locked indoors. I stated that they would be very welcome to keep him, and I’d drop around some of the food I have left here for him, or the alternative would be that I’d have to find a rescue charity to take him on. (Which made me sad thinking of him there as I know he might not be the best easiest cat to find a home for!)

Anyway, they have agreed to keep him, they acknowledge he’s happier there.

So I’m going to sort out the transferring of the microchip details and be happy knowing that the cat is happier in his new home 🙏🏼

I've had loads of cats over the years and they choose what they do and who they live with. I had one that wanted to go back to the wild and nothing whatsoever would dissuade him.
He lived on the South Downs for a number of years summer and winter and would occasionally come home to see us. A few times he was trapped and brought home (microchipped) but he'd soon be off again.
We had no children or dogs but this was the life he chose for himself.
I'd get your cat rehomed to a quiet home.

Well done for putting DCat first. It sounds like he's landed on his feet.

Great news OP! 👏👏

Well done persevering with the neighbours and doing what's best for the cat.

My 1 year old rescue cat came with a no young children and no other pets warning, and she's happy in our quiet house with DH, me and a teenager who adores her (she was 13 when we adopted the cat).

But I can clearly see that she'd not be suitable for a house with young kids chasing her around. She'd simply lash out to get away fast. Stressful for her and dangerous for the kids.

Sounds like your cat is where it's best for all concerned. Happy ending!

Thanks all and thanks for the firm nudge you all gave me! He was my first ever cat (previously had a dog pre children!) so I was devastated when he left but I did know in my heart he never truly settled here, particularly when the kids were around and my Mums dog came over! It was upsetting seeing just how distressed he was coming back here briefly the other day and the fact he went straight back to the neighbours house shows he was happier there, so I’m ok with that.

Well done, OP. It's hard when a cat votes with its feet, but you did the right thing. Did they sound excited about keeping him?