I haven’t been able to bring myself to write this as I can’t really bring myself to talk about it. But I have read threads on here before about cat owners going through grief and there’s been really nice words and advice and wonder if it might help me.
I good friend of mine went on holiday recently, and she asked if I could pop round a few times a day to feed her cat. I’ve done this before but this time her cat had given birth to a single kitten. The kitten wasn’t putting on enough weight and growing as much as you would want so they were supplementing with formula. She showed me how to do this and assured me that mum cat would do most of the work.
For the first 4 days everything was fine. However on the 5th day I noticed that the mum cat wasn’t with her baby in the crate. I assumed that maybe she was going in and out as the kitten got more freedom. However when I went on the 6th day, I felt like something was off. I text my friend and said the mum cat doesn’t seem too interested in her kitten anymore and asked if that’s normal? She said at this stage they are getting a bit more independence and when she’s back was planning to start on kitten food. The kitten was already starting to toilet on their own so gaining independence. On the 7th day, I arrived to silence when usually I could hear the kitten squeak when it heard me come in. I went over and said “wake up, time for your bottle” but she was lay in a different position so I touched her and said “come on” but she didn’t move and it hit me that she had passed away. It was a total shock and I had a panic attack. I had to call my partner to come round as I couldn’t look at her like that.
Since then I haven’t been able to get over it. I know this may sound completely pathetic but I am so so sad and depressed. I can’t get the image of finding her like that out of my head. It’s all I can think about when I go to sleep at night. It’s been 9 days and I still feel so upset. I feel stupid because she wasn’t even my cat but I felt like I formed a love for her watching her little face as she took the bottle. Hearing her tiny little meows and those tiny little paws on my hand. I feel a range of emotions, heartbreak and devastation that this happened to her, she was just a baby. Guilt that I could have done something different or helped if I would have known. Anger at my friend for leaving, anger at the mother cat for neglecting her kitten. My friend said she suspects that mum cat knew something was wrong which is why she stopped bothering with the kitten, but I’m wondering if she just stopped anyway and that’s what lead to the kittens death. If that was the case, I could have done more. I could have prevented this. I could have taken her in or moved in to my friends house and taken over from the mother cat. I am not experienced with cats and didn’t know, there were no signs, I don’t know why or how this happened.
I feel a may be over emotional and some people may say I need to get a grip. But I can’t seem to come to peace with this. My heart hurts and I get choked up whenever I think about it. I don’t know what I want from this, but I was just hoping that it would help me feel better