Cat adoption fail - WWYD? (long, sorry!)

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I'm honestly at a loss with this and would really welcome opinions. DH and I are very experienced cat owners but we've never experienced this before.

We adopted a cat from a shelter almost a year ago. We were told she (I'll call her Kitty so as not to out myself) had been very withdrawn when she first came to the shelter after being abandoned by her previous owners, but were also told she had 'come around' so to speak and was now affectionate and social. I'm not disputing that that was the shelter's experience of her, but sadly since she's come to us she hasn't acclimatised at all. Won't come anywhere near us, except occasionally to eat a treat out of my hand, but won't let us stroke her, she cowers back when we try (and sometimes 'hits' us on the hand, though usually without claws extended, we don't think she's vicious, just scared).

We've tried everything - we're very careful to speak in soft voices, get down to her level, not loom over her, not force contact etc etc, but there's just no trust there in her eyes when she looks at us. I'm beginning to think she's been actively hurt by people in the past as well as having been neglected. 😥

She will rarely venture out of 'her' room, when she does she scuttles back in at the slightest sound, and has recently reverted to living under the bed as she was doing at the beginning, and only coming out to eat/drink/use the litter tray and occasionally to accept treats. As far as we can tell, she is physically well, but this is no life for her. We daren't let her outside in case she runs away, and it's very hard to keep her contained in the house when she's out of 'her' room as we have a cat flap and 2 other cats using it regularly, which brings me to my next point...

Here's the thing. Kitty is like a different cat if she sees or hears one of our other cats. She wants to befriend them - if she's in her room and hears them miaowing she starts calling back to them. She will approach our boy cat very confidently and try to make friends, but unfortunately he isn't interested, and our other girl cat hissed at Kitty so she avoids her now. But based on how she is with boy cat, I firmly feel that she needs a home where she can interact with other cats, and possibly with minimal interaction with humans. Because of this, I'm wondering if she is actually feral or semi-feral?

I've discussed this with the shelter owner, they've made suggestions, we've tried them all, no dice. Basically I think that because Kitty came around to them and became friendly with them, this caused an error in judgement on the shelter's part. Kitty was advertised in terms that made her sound like a socialised cat and a suitable family pet, and through no fault of her own she simply isn't. She's only three and spends most of her life in one room by her own choice. We have a lovely garden as well, I do realise not all cats want to go outside, but Kitty is so nervy that it's impossible to tell whether she wants to or not.

It's in the terms of the 'homing contract' I signed that the cat should be returned to the shelter if the adoption fails, but the shelter has stopped replying to my messages. I know they are swamped at the moment, but we have suggest we could adopt another cat from them so it'd be 'one in, one out' so to speak. Possibly the shelter think we are crap pet owners as Kitty hasn't taken to us, though, I don't know. But we've had a number of cats over the years and we've simply never encountered a cat like Kitty before, it's so hard to know what to do.

Another worry I have is if she's returned to the shelter or taken to another one, she isn't going to be an attractive option as a pet and may end up languishing there - for that reason I wouldn't take her anywhere there was a chance of her ending up being put to sleep. But I feel so sorry for this cat and I really want her to have a happy life, and she just isn't happy here.

WWYD? I'd really welcome any perspectives or advice whatsoever on this from anyone who's experienced anything similar. Thanks in advance and sorry this is so long!

It can sometimes takes years for cats to build trust. And also some cats are weird little beings.
You seem to be expecting a lot from her, maybe just leave her to do her own thing, she'll come to you if and when she's ready.
What makes you think she'd run away? Is let her out and see what happens.

I used to be a home checker for a cat shelter (and have had many cats of my own) and I wouldn't see this as an adoption fail. I suspect the shelter are not returning your calls because the cat is safe and cared for, and that really is all they are interested in.

I adopted a semi-feral from the shelter I worked with. For the first few years I regretted taking her because she was timid and less friendly than my other cats, it took a while for her to warm up. In the early days it I did briefly consider trying to rehome her, but I had made a commitment to her and I kept her until she died at 16.

I'm sure you know this already, but you must always let her come to you, never approach to stroke her, and never look her in the eye as that will be interpreted as aggression.

It sounds to me as if you are over protective and over-interpreting her behaviour. I would let her outside, I can't see any reason not to. My semi feral came and went through the cat flap like my other cats. When younger she spent more time outside than they did but she always returned. Hopefully once outside she will mingle a bit more happily with the other cats.

Thanks for replying. I just want to clarify that if my OP made it sound like I was expecting a lot of her, I might not have expressed myself accurately. I don't need her to be any particular way for my sake, I'm just sad that she seems to have so little quality of life and I really would love to see that change for her sake. I do realise I can't possibly know whether she is happy or not, but with the continued nerviness and the return to hiding under the bed it just doesn't feel like she can be, and it makes me sad for her.

DH and I have actually discussed letting her roam the house unrestricted, which would mean she'd probably go out through the cat flap at some point, and the reason we are both concerned she might run away is just because she isn't really showing any signs of being happy or even contented here, but we haven't ruled out giving it a try. And I do agree cats can be weird (definitely! 😄)

Well after almost a year it's totally understandable why you're feeling like you are. Perhaps the posters above missed the bit where you say she basically lives under a bed and doesn't come out unless to eat or toilet

So you either turf her out the room and force / encourage her to be elsewhere - maybe the living room? - maybe encourage her to go outside too? - or you insist that the rescue accept her back.

She probably isn't feral but some cats are just like this - it's their personality

Could you open up the whole house to her and block off the cat flap temporarily to see what she does? Even go out during this time and if you've got a camera..

My girl cat took a year to accept our new kitten but they were never friends. My boy cat accepted the kitten straight away - girl - and now she smacks him but I've also caught them kissing.

I find it a bit unusual that she still doesn't have unrestricted access to your home and cat-flap after almost a year. Why can't she free-roam like your other cats? You could always get a micro-chip cat flap that won't allow her through for the moment if you're concerned about her doing a runner.

Thanks, it's helpful to get a perspective from someone with your experience. Tbh it's quite possible I'm being over-protective, I can be a bit that way with our cats, without really meaning to be. DH and I did speak a little earlier today re letting her out and he's still convinced she'll run away, but she's such a cautious cat I can't really see it happening. Might give it a go.

Thanks as well for the reminder re eye contact, I think I've been forgetting that as I've been so keen to try and communicate, and although I don't stare at her or anything, I should probably go back to looking at her less. I spend a lot of time in the room with her, letting her do her own thing and just sitting and chatting to her really, and she seems quite relaxed about that. It's only if she thinks I'm going to try and approach that she puts the brakes on, so to speak.

Cats are weird. I have one semi feral that doesn't leave our terrace but won't let us touch him, but he follows me round the garden and keeps for food. He sleeps like a sentry by the back door even though all his brothers and sisters are up the top in the shed with the heat mat and sofa.

Can you play with her at all, and spoon feed her all her wet food saying her name every time she gets a mouthful, with a slow progress to head strokes as she eats is how I get most of my semi ferals used to me.

Aww, bless them 😸

Yes, we do this for a chunk of time every day, with varying degrees of success as she's so skittish that any noise elsewhere in the house tends to send her running for her 'safe room' if she's even ventured out in the first place (which she often doesn't, which makes me wonder if she's becoming institutionalised so to speak)... she does tend to come out more often if she can hear our boy cat miaowing though, she's got a bit of a case of unrequited cat love going on, I think! 😸It does make me wonder if she'd be happier in a household of cats that actually got along, but I know re-homing her would be no small matter either. It's definitely a toughie.

Have you tried to get any further with the cats befriending since the hiss?
Some of these ideas could help?
www.cats.org.uk/help-and-advice/cat-behaviour/introducing-cats

That might be an option, actually, hadn't thought of that.

Re free-roaming, I wish she would! - definitely inside the house at least. Most of the time she doesn't show much inclination to explore, and usually ends up back in 'her' room of her own accord. A friend of mine mentioned that possibly she'd never had a safe space of her own before, which I guess might be the case.

I've had two failed adoptions, it broke my heart. The problem was that both of the cats wanted to play with my resident cat who didn't. Neither of them had an agressive bone in their bodies, they just wanted to be her friend. She was absolutely terrified, so it was the only thing to do. They are both thriving in homes that suit them better. The first one went straight to his new home. But taking the other back to a cage in the rescue was awful.

But it was the right thing for existing cat.

That's interesting, your semi feral seems to have evolved his own little habits which is what I've been hoping will happen with Kitty. I've managed to get her to eat treats from my hand (sometimes), but so far have never tried feeding her her wet food, could be worth a shot. She will occasionally let me play with her if I dangle one of those mouse on a stick type things for her. So it's not been zero progress, just glacially slow. 😄

Thanks, I'll give that a read!

Oh, that must have been heartbreaking, but as you say the best thing for your existing cat. Thankfully I don't think our boy cat is scared of Kitty, he's just really not used to other cats trying to interact with him.

Cats can be so unpredictable sometimes, DH and I have been owning them for over 25 years and we've never met one like Kitty before!

A microchip cat flap seems like a good step!
Also it always helps cats to settle in when they are given the space to roam at night when humans are out the way. However it’s going to be tricky when the cats don’t have a relationship yet.

Some cats are just skittish. I have 4, 2 rescue and 2 I've had since kittens ( brothers )

One brother is really outgoing and loving like my 2 rescue cats and the other brother is very timid and much prefers to be with other cats rather than people. I've had him since he was a baby and he's always been like that. He's never been harmed or neglected ect. The adult cats loved him straight away,

If she eats food from your hands then she trusts you to an extent,

Could you build her a catio if your worried about her running away? Does she answer to her name when you call her?

It will. We do have a few Ring cameras dotted around the house though, which can be handy for seeing what the cats are getting up to. 😄

Honestly, I would do more ignoring. Let her do her own thing and don't try to micromanage it.

I realised my semi-feral she would be happier in a household without other cats (I had 3 others) and I was concerned I was not providing her 'perfect life'. But I came to realise she did not need the perfect life.

Thing will never progress unless you give her the freedom to roam, including outdoors. She has been with you for a year so she is as bonded to you and the territory as she ever will be.

Kitten season is about to start so the shelter will been overrun with multiple cute kittens available to adopt. If a cat already has a home, they will be last on the shelter's list anyway because there are so many others in greater need.

For additional help you could request a visit from a cat behaviourist who will come to your home to see the situation. You will need a referral from your vet but you can check here for a behaviourist in your area.

https://abtc.org.uk/

This is all helpful to hear, and the link looks helpful too, thanks. I am starting to feel we should get started on letting her roam freely, I do feel nervous about letting her but she can't continue as she is now, being cooped up is no life for a young cat. Might get a collar on her at the weekend, open up 'her' room and see what she does...

Feeding them their wet food on a spoon is the quickest way of gaining connection in my experience.

She's your cat now. You can't be sure she'd find another home and you've made the commitment to her. I think you should let her go outside and follow her lead on that.