Sudden overwhelming grief for DCat

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

My beautiful girl Bonnie fell suddenly very ill on Christmas Day 2023. She had breathing difficulties and i rushed her to the emergency vet. Sadly I had to make the difficult decision to have her PTS in the small hours of Boxing Day.

We have 2 new cats (as i just don't feel as home in a feline-free house) and it's the anniversary of when we got them tomorrow.

But all of a sudden I'm caught up in overwhelming grief for Bonnie. I keep reliving the memory of going to the vets. She was so pleased to see me, purring loudly and rubbing herself all over me. And i feel so guilty as I feel like she was so happy to see me and i killed her. I know it's irrational but where has this come from. I've shed countless tears over her before but this guilt is new. I know it was the right thing to do but i just wish I'd held her for longer.

Please tell me this is normal and it will pass. I will post a picture of her once I've calmed down a bit, but right now I can't. My heart is breaking all over again.

Aww bless you. Please be kind to yourself you made the decision in best interests of your loved pet. I hope your new kitties help with your loss and grief x

So sorry, this sounds like delayed grief, perhaps at the time you were focussed on doing the right thing and now around the anniversary the delayed feelings are coming through? (Perfectly happy to be told I am talking rubbish!).
You definitely did the right thing, but I can understand how her joyous greeting must make you feel so awful given that you were going there for such a sad purpose.
But she was glad to see you, she passed away with someone she loved nearby, rather than with nothing familiar around her.
It is so hard but be kind and allow yourself to grieve.
(I am in a not too dissimilar situation: I had to make The Decision NYE 2023 and my little love passed away at home a few days later, I was fortunate to have the time to arrange for a vet service to come to the house as he hated the vet even though they were lovely. This time of year is hard, I can no longer say 'this time last year he was....' as from now on, the previous year is empty of him...gawd it hurts!
Look after yourself and let your new kitties bring you their own joy 💐)

We had to have our lovely girl pts in April. It was the right thing for her (she had intestinal lymphoma) and I am proud of us for making that decision rather than keeping her going with invasive treatments that would have prolonged her life for a short time but not cured her. Like you, we have another cat now, and he is a joy.

Like you, I found myself consumed with grief a few days ago. DP came through and found me sat on the sofa sobbing. What was wrong? he asked. I keep thinking about collecting her from our vet when she was in for tests, and the nurse told me that they had been trying to play with her and pet her, and she didn’t want to make friends with any of them, or eat any of their food. I don’t know why that struck me when it did, but I was roaring crying that she must have been so sad and thought we had abandoned her.

I think it’s normal, and it’s sad and it’s awful, and also that it’s okay to feel how you feel. Your cat (and all the cats on this board) was loved and you did the right thing for her.

It’s completely normal and it will 95% pass. (The 5% is because you will always get pangs of rememberancr but over time they will be less sad). Both our previous cats were PTS over Christmas so this time of year is hard. But our new cats bring joy. You are not alone - I think the last queen said that grief is the price of loving.

Sending you a big hug It sounds like you did the kindest thing you could for her and I hope you can take peace in that ❤️

I've found that grief/sadness/trauma comes up for me around a certain time of year, the same time of year as the event. I think it's because everything feels the same (weather, season, what's in the supermarket, what's on the TV even!) and it hits me again. I wonder if that could be why you're struggling with this now. It's not easy and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Just so you know, the Blue Cross have a pet loss support line that I've heard lovely things about.

Take care of yourself. Losing an animal is hard, especially because we always question ourselves about whether we could have done more (which is completely normal) x

pics of old cats and new cats - all loved

How are you feeling today, @MyGhastIsFlabbered? Sending you love and sympathy - you did the very best for your lovely Bonnie. 💐

My heart breaks for you - our hearts stretch to love again but the pure and perfect love you had for your darling kitty leaves a hole that hurts so badly, I know . I’ve broken my heart quietly every day since we lost our beloved tabby 8 months ago and miss her so much. It’s indescribable.
The deep pain will give way to the best and most treasured memories, with the passage of time, and we will cope xx
Sending heartfelt hugs 🐾💔

Thank you everyone. I'm ok at the moment. I know I'll get sad again but I'm seeing it as a reflection of how loved she was.

Here's my lovely girl having a cuddle

Sorry, photo didn't attach

And here are my current voids

I sympathize, I lost my much loved boy early December, then caved and brought in a stray, who had previously been a house cat. Like you I couldn’t stand a cat free house. I have a lovely photo up of old boy. New boy plays with the same toys. I tell myself that my old guy sent me the new one and both total lap cats.
I too felt guilty that old boy spent his last day at the vets, because they missed a massive growth and had him on a pointless drip. He should have been with me. But I was with him at the end and like you I know really that I did my best for him and we were let down. Soon it will be spring and the world will look brighter.
As you new cats frolic in the son I think the old one would be happy for you to be comforted. Be kind to yourself and hope you can smile again soon

It comes in waves for me. We had to have our DBoyCat PTS because of cancer and it took me ages to reconcile this. I think it's because you have to make the decision, it doesn't just happen. I try to see it as our last act of love. He had an incredible life with us but you just want them to last forever. I loved him more than most humans and still miss him terribly.

Our DGirlCat went missing a couple of weeks before so we had a double whammy. I don't think I'll ever get over it.

All we can do is give them amazing, worry free lives for as long as possible. My DF used to say we are more humane with animals.

We adopted DGirlCat2 and she had an awful life that left her with PTSD. We now have DBoyCat2 who whilst cared for physically had no emotional or social care. They are both a joy and both help each other.