My cat is very needy, but I don't know what he needs!

[CheeriosOrFrosties]

Ok this is going to sound a bit stupid!

I got 2 cats as kittens a year ago. One (DCat1) was very friendly and chilled, very content with life, ok with being in the living room overnight as a kitten, happy to be picked up, would come to us for a fuss etc. His brother (DCat2) was originally quite happy to be picked up and would sit on me, but over time has become far more aloof, doesn't sit on us, doesn't like to be picked up etc. However, despite seemingly not wanting me to stroke him, he continually meows at me!!

We went on holiday in May 2024 and they stayed in a cattery, and after that DCat2 objected greatly to being in the living room overnight. Would wake up early in the morning and jump up at the door handle to be let out. This drove me up the wall, so I started letting them have free roam of the house overnight. It took a while for them to settle into this, as they were only about 6 months old at this point, but they were ok - in and out of my bedroom but would also go outside through the cat flap and all was well.

DCat2 however would still meow at me early in the morning for "breakfast", usually at about 5am. I would go and feed them both and they would usually go outside and I'd go back to bed for a couple of hours. This was not ideal, but not awful and definitely better than door handle rattling, so I just kind of went with it.

Sadly, DCat1 died at the end of November. Since then, DCat2 has been more "needy", as in meowing at me more, but nothing I seem to offer seems to be what he wants. He does it in the middle of the night, and if I don't respond, he will go and rattle my son's door handle, which he knows I will respond to as I don't want him to wake up my son! I will often go downstairs with him at this point (this can be anywhere between about 2am and 5am) and I'll feed him to keep him quiet, even though I don't think that's what he wants (he doesn't eat a lot, unlike his brother he is not at all motivated by food). I know I'm probably reinforcing the meowing, but I'm not sure how to manage this. I feel terribly sorry for him as his brother only died a month ago, so I would feel really mean shutting him out of my room (I suspect he would go mad anyway and wake us all up with meowing/door handle rattling) but I've had 6 months + of disturbed sleep every night, and I can't deal with it much longer.

What does he actually want?! It predated his brother's death, so whilst I get that he is probably missing his little buddy, I don't think it's (just) that. I need a cat whisperer!

Some questions that might help others answer this as not sure I'll be a huge help but...

Is he neutered?
Does he go outside at night or locked in?
Does he use a litter tray happily or would he prefer outside
Does he get much 'playtime' with you or others in the house?

Could be bored, or needs toilet but also cats are so all about routine he probably does this 'cos that's what I do at this time of day'...and 'i rattle the door handle and make noise and it makes interesting stuff happen (you come) like last night'...I suspect he's bored which really isn't ideal at 2am 😱

Yes he was neutered in April 2024.
He is allowed outside at night, but since his brother died he does less of this
He does have a litter tray but never uses it, he always goes outside
I try to play with him but he rarely joins in. He used to play a lot more

Yes he may well be bored, especially now his brother has died and they can't go out playing/hunting together like I think they used to. How on earth can you stop a cat being bored at an inappropriate time!?

Where does he sleep? Does he have the option of sleeping with you?

Dcat isn’t a cuddly cat but loves to sleep with us and basically follows us round the house! Dcat meows at any closed door! We are an open door house thanks to the cat!

He has free range of the house overnight. He will usually sleep in my room at points during the night, by my feet normally although sometimes I think on the chair.

Both kids have their doors closed overnight and have done since they were babies so I don't think it will be an option to change that. I don't think he actually wants to go into my son's room (although son not there tonight so I could leave the door open to see what he does) - he just rattles his door handle because he knows it will get me out of bed.

I should be impressed by his skills - he's clearly a very intelligent cat. I'm just knackered!

Don’t put up with this. Shut the cat away from you overnight. In the same room as the cat flap (kitchen?) and make sure you can’t hear her miaow etc.

Sheesh sounds awful. Jackson Galaxy on YT is pretty good for cat behaviour stuff.

It might just be that he's young and full of energy, it's cold out at the moment so perhaps when it warms up he'll be outside more at night. Perhaps you could consider shutting him downstairs (if you can with a warm mat or something that might be a bit of comfort) I don't know if that would work though.

My cat also yells at me and then tries to lead me to whatever she wants. It can take a while but I usually work it out after a while. Sometimes it's just that she wants company outdoors or while she uses the litter tray 🙄

Hi sorry to hear about your other cat dying.
I too got myself another cat over a yr ago.
Sleeps on my bed then became v lively at 3 am.
I get up around 5 for work so it's handy he scratches my bed frame then.
He is clever though and learnt ripping at the wallpaper by my window got me up or pawing at my picture above my bed.
Cats are clever and want a response .
Hunger,more playtime in the day or is it worth a feliway plug in.
I think some cats are more needy and luckily I don't mind my 5 am alarm.
I hope yours settles down soon.

The kitchen is open plan to the rest of the house so there is no way of shutting him in there. The only option is the lounge, but that's right below my bedroom and he will rattle the door handle on that which would keep me awake more! Unless you think that eventually he would just give up and accept that I'm not going to respond?

Thanks, I'll try the YouTube suggestion. Yes he has def been in more at night recently but wasn't sure if that was weather related or because he can't go out with his brother any more (they often used to hang out outside together)

Hmm maybe I'll give that a go. I tried to mirror him in the lounge just now, he rolled over on the floor so I copied him. He found it quite amusing and came and rubbed his face round my head. More affectionate than he's been in weeks.

I have a timed feeder for mine which helps with the night waking

It's hard to figure out - mine was so restless when I first got him from rescue and kept looking at me, then at the bed and it took me ages. Eventually he practically eye rolled and dug at the duvet and glared at me
Turns out he likes to sleep as little spoon, under the duvet

They're closed for Christmas but maybe one of these scented blankets?

www.facebook.com/share/189SqU4pUM/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Jackson Galaxy suggests a bedtime routine and ignoring or not rewarding the bad night time behaviour in anyway (sounds like having a kid haha!) we've found him to be pretty informative for advice on different things...

https://youtube.com/shorts/gfpmJJbEP6M?feature=shared

Any of this stuff is nearly always easier said than done...but may be of help

New toys and rotate them so he doesn’t get bored.

I wonder if he is missing his brother, maybe they did cat stuff in the night and he no longer has that company. He is still young so still developing. I hope Jackson has some kind solutions rather than shutting him away as another poster suggested when he may be grieving or lonely or adjusting to his loss. You sound very tolerant of him so I hope you can find a good solution

I think he’d give up. Put tinfoil on door handle and he might give up quicker. Cats hate it for some reason!

Your boy sounds lonely! So sorry to hear you lost DCat1!

I have one of these, big chonky boy cat but totally and utterly needy. It confused us because he doesn't love affection and cuddles but he did just want to be with us all the time. I also think they treat us as part of their tribe and think their night time antics are "guarding" their colony, hence they are more active. He also I think wanted to play and use energy and just found humans trying to play with him utterly boring!

Couple of things that worked for ours were a nighttime helping of biscuits just before we head to bed, in addition to their 2 "main" meals a day. He scoffs it straight away but it did move the shouting for food from 5am to 7am!

And then we got him a friend... introductions were stressful but they eventually declared they could live with each other and both are much more confident and settled with the other around. They have the odd scrap, usually over who's sleeping on the bed with the humans(!) but mostly can be found sleeping on the same sofa and properly playing together in the evenings- chasing and sharing toys. It's actually a joy to watch because they are both displaying much more natural cat behaviours.

There, I said it, you need another DCat!!!

I ignore any requests for entertainment/food overnight. If you cave once then they will remember that one time for the rest of their lives.

I agree part of it is missing his brother and not understanding why he isn't there. But also he is a teenager and when my boy cat was that age he had all the attitude that goes with that. Mine I decided just likes the sound of his own voice. I would respond to the crying by calling out 'I'm here' but I don't think he was really looking for me.

Have you tried just meowing back? I've found one of mine just wants to "talk" for a bit once or twice a day.

If I ignore him now he'll come over and bat the side of my face until I meow back then he runs off happy after a bit of a natter with me.

Yes. This. Love our cats dearly but at night they are shut in the utility room with access to the cat flap/outdoors. On the odd occasion one has got shut in overnight by accident, and around 4am they’ve started racing about and meowing and being very annoying!

I've found the best way to stop early wakening is to give a bedtime supper that is different to their meals. So if he eats wet food then give him a small bowl of biscuits at your bedtime. If he eats biscuits then perhaps try half a pouch of wet food or a cat soup. Make sure it's part of their daily calories so he doesn't get chunky which is my failing 😬

I've done this with four different cats now (at separate times) and it does work.

Ha I love this! No, I haven't tried it but will give it a go!!

Thanks for all of the ideas. Lots of things to think about and try adjusting. He has biscuits available to him all of the time but maybe I need to change that and encourage actual meal times rather than grazing?

Just came on this board to ask for advice as I’m struggling with something similar!

We adopted our second cat in May last year but for the last few weeks she’s been driving me absolutely crazy waking me up every morning, this can start any time from about 4:30 onwards. She scratches at my wardrobe door to wake me. I’ve tried getting up to feed her but she just eats then comes back up and continues the scratching. Sometimes she’ll settle on the bed with me for a bit but then she’ll decide to get up and scratch again. I just don’t know what she wants!! In the warmer weather I’m sure she was outside more at this sort of time, catching mice and things.

She has an older “sister” who also occasionally does the scratching to wake me but far less regularly. I couldn’t shut them in anywhere as they’d probably kill each other! They rub along ok but aren’t exactly the best of friends.

Really at wits end with this as well so I feel your pain, coupled with peri-menopause making it difficult to get off to sleep in the first place I feel like I’m slowly going mad 😴