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My darling ginger cat died while I was away. Can't stop feeling angry.

34 replies

Piggywaspushed · 03/11/2024 07:54

I know, I know this could have happened any time but it didn't happen while I was at home to protect my beloved bufoonish hulk of a ginger boy,who had just turned 9 and had loads of life to live.

DH and I went away for half term. Resented person number one . I didn't want to go away but DH (teacher) has a two week half term (I have one and wanted to slop around getting hair done,sitting about and resting really) and we didn't get a sunbathing holiday in the summer so he really pushed going away. I have just had an operation but in the end I acceded without a huge amount of enthusiasm. (as it goes it was cloudy nearly all the time)

When we have gone away before cats have generally been looked after by DSs 1 and 2 if they are home. DS2 (20) is the more reliable , responsible and generally cautious. He is currently at uni so only DS1 (23) was home. Resented person number 2. DS1 loves the cats but tends to think my rules about not letting them out after dark and always getting them in are a bit over fussy (or used to). I left explicit instructions saying the cat could no longer jump up at his 'let me in, humans' window and that if DS wasn't sitting in the kitchen at night he would need to prevent him going out after dark what with clock change,

So , off we went.

On the very first day of our holiday , DS phoned and put me on to our lovely NDN who helped him explain that out beautiful boy had been found dead that morning outside our house,probably knocked down and trying to crawl home. DS said he had rattled Dreamies and called for the cat lots of times the night before and expected to find him annoyed at the back door the next morning. When this didn't happen he found him when he was going to knock on a few doors. This must have been devastating for poor DS who then had neighbours help him take the cat to a vet where the poor cat has been all week waiting for me to go and say good bye.

I am so preoccupied with thoughts of my terrified, lonely cat trying to get home to safety with no one looking out for him to let him in, probably in dreadful pain and I wasn't there . If I had been there, I am 90 percent sure he would have been inside and safe , pawing at the door indignantly to try and get out and swatting my foot for food. He had almost certainly tried to get in a few times that evening and then after not succeeding , I guess went off to hunt for food (although it's a it odd he didn't just set up base camp on our patio chairs)

I don't want to blame anyone (except the driver but I don't know who that is and that's all a mystery. Dcat didn't ever cross the quite busy road and wasn't found near the road so I suspect a delivery driver on our drive) but I can't get rid of this ball of anger in my stomach and I miss my darling boy too much. I know DS feels awful and saw a terrible thing. It could have happened at 5 pm for all anyone knows and that's why dcat didn't come back earlier.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I need to let out what I can't say IRL. I still have his sweet sister who has already cuddled me this morning. My previous cat was PTS so I have never dealt with this level of unexpected grief and shock before. I just keep staring at photos of him but he isn't here in the house taking up an entire recliner, snoozing.

OP posts:
GirlInterrupted · 03/11/2024 08:26

Op, that's horrible! I don't have anything to say other than, I am sorry for your loss. ❤️

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 03/11/2024 08:39

I’m so sorry for your loss but please don’t blame your DH and DS. It’s not wrong to want to go on holiday, and it does sound as if your DS tried to get the cat in so he wasn’t out overnight? It’s not as if he just went off with mates for the evening without a care for the cat at all. Your DS will be devastated enough anyway - he doesn’t need to be ‘resented person no.2’ 😢

Having lost my own cat recently (also overnight as she was very difficult to get in for the night and would disappear at bedtime) I do understand your grief and am very sorry for your loss.

Onelifeonly · 03/11/2024 08:44

I am really sorry for your loss - what a horrible shock. Anger is part of a grief response but something similar couid have happened at any time. It's not anyone's fault - well maybe a careless driver's, though I once saw a cat killed by a car gently backing into a space - driver couldn't see the cat suddenly deciding to cross the road and those of us who witnessed it had no time to alert the driver.

Piggywaspushed · 03/11/2024 08:45

Thank you. I know I shouldn't blame them. They both loved DCat ,too. It's really hard with grief though , isn't it?

Obviously, I am not saying any of this out loud, hence the torment.

DS kept DCat 2 in all week and she slept in his room I think he certainly wanted to keep her extra safe. She is out now , I think looking for her brother.

OP posts:
Kaleidoscopic101 · 03/11/2024 08:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a real gut wrenching shock and I can only say that it's going to hurt a lot for a while and the anger is a normal reaction. It's so hard not to wrestle with the 'what ifs' but we know won't change the situation. It's in our nature to analyse it so we can somehow make sense of it and prevent something similar in future. It could have happened on anyone's watch and there's always a risk that it could happen on someone else's watch, it sounds like he was pretty determined to do what he wanted and to some extent we can't be wholly responsible for their little world. May he know deep down you're still there for him, and that time is the best healer it's just a case of riding out this horrendous time and being kind to yourself and family x

Clearinguptheclutter · 03/11/2024 08:50

I’m very sorry for your loss that does all feel awful

I don’t think you need anyone to tell you this but don’t blame ds or dh, I’m sure they are feeling bad enough as it is

Kaleidoscopic101 · 03/11/2024 08:59

We lost our 10 month old in June (we don't know what happened to him but the phone call from the clinic that he'd been handed in deceased turned my stomach). We'd only had him since this time last year, no scuffs or injuries so not sure if it was RTA or natural causes. The other unrelated cat (same age female) looked for him for about a week but settled, it was more like she thought he would pounce out at her. Now she's more content especially around her food.

The other thing I would say re this week just past is that I noticed the cats in our area pretty unsettled. I can only assume it's because the kids are home/change of routine/ Halloween stuff going on. It feels like there have been more cats out and about, breeching territories. Ours was on high alert wanting to be out in the early evening, it's been warm calm evenings this week too. I saw two cats I'd never seen before in or around our garden.

Freeasabird76 · 03/11/2024 09:08

I am so sorry,exact same thing happened to me with my 12 year old boy,it's the fact it wasn't instant that torments,we've lost 2 more to rta over the years and although devastating,being instant is a blessing.

ReadingGladys · 03/11/2024 09:14

I’m sorry for your loss. My dog died in similar circumstances (an accident while being looked after by family) and I think it’s natural to feel a lot of conflicting things including anger. I think sometimes it’s tempting to focus on anger because it’s easier than confronting the loss, if you see what I mean.

You will still be in shock. Give yourself some time. I’m so sorry this happened to your lovely cat.

VenusClapTrap · 03/11/2024 11:42

I’m so sorry op. I would be a ball of resentment and blame too. That’s grief. You know it’s unfair but you can’t help feeling that way. Would you like to share a photo of your beautiful boy? He sounds fabulous.

Piggywaspushed · 03/11/2024 12:42

Here he is and I have added the obligatory tree photo although he got rather too hefty for that.

He was a hugely friendly cat. He befriended everyone, plumbers, binmen, vets with big needles, passing schoolchildren.

My darling ginger cat died while I was away. Can't stop feeling angry.
My darling ginger cat died while I was away. Can't stop feeling angry.
OP posts:
Freeasabird76 · 03/11/2024 12:44

What a handsome boy he was 😍💐

Donkeyfromshrek · 03/11/2024 12:52

I do get how you feel. We lost our old cat one night when we had some friends round. One friend turned up early. The last time I saw the cat alive he was heading down the back garden towards the house. He saw a stranger in the house and ran off.

Had she turned up later he would have spent the evening hiding in a bedroom until everyone had gone. As it was we got a call about 9.30 to say some kind soul had found him dead on the side of the road and taken him to a vet. It is so easy to think what if. Doesn't help though. It is pure chance/bad luck. Try to focus on the happy life he had and the joy he brought you.

NapTrappedAgain · 03/11/2024 12:53

I think its’s entirely natural to feel the way you are. I know I would be. So sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy OP. He sounds wonderful.

CallYourselfAChef · 03/11/2024 13:35

I'm so sorry for your loss 😥

VenusClapTrap · 03/11/2024 13:35

He was gorgeous op, and sounds like he was a lovely soul.

Lostmycats · 03/11/2024 15:00

So sorry for your loss 🌈

LorettyTen · 03/11/2024 15:04

I'm so sorry, it's a very sad thing to lose a beloved pet. At least you gave him a lovely life and he would have always felt loved.

Piggywaspushed · 03/11/2024 16:56

Thanks all.

Just been sobbing again because I keep looking at the kitchen door where his little head should appear and the empty food bowl which he would be demanding to be filled and then not eat.

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 03/11/2024 17:04

@Piggywaspushed That’s awful.
Blame the driver.
My brother lost a cat this way- Cat was found covered in frost under a tree in their front garden.

He now only has indoor cats - as does my son.

It’s not your fault or your family- just the driver who didn’t stop to read his collar to get in touch.

KeepinOn · 03/11/2024 17:12

Oh op. It was nobody's fault but the driver's. I'm so sorry for your loss. We have 4 cats but my partner is so deeply attached to them I dread to think how we'd cope with their loss, especially if I was the one on duty as it were. I'm sure your son did all the right things. Cats are willful, which is part of the joy when they grace our lives.

Piggywaspushed · 03/11/2024 17:13

I know you are both right.

OP posts:
Girliefriendlikespuppies · 03/11/2024 17:31

Op he looks like a great cat, I'm really sorry for your loss.

This was no one's fault, not yours and not your ds's, it's just bad luck.

Your car was clearly loved, had a lovely life so was much luckier than lots of other cats so don't let the end bit define his life.

BlastedPimples · 03/11/2024 17:45

I am so sorry. He looks to be an amazing cat.

ProfessorInkling · 03/11/2024 17:57

I'm so sorry @Piggywaspushed

I am pretty sure I'd feel the same resentment in your shoes. It will fade, I'm sure, this is no ones fault, it's just a very sad accident. You gave him a good life and that is what matters most.

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