New cat & grief

[SydneyReynolds]

Hoping for some advice.

We lost our magnificent cat at the end of last year after owning him for 15 years. He was a handsome and characterful cat, hard work at times but he was my everything. We lost him very quickly one morning to heart failure, which was sad but I felt at peace with that fact he was an old cat and we’d given him a very happy life after rescuing him from a local centre aged 2.

My husband wanted to get a cat immediately afterwards but I wanted our cat to a least have a mourning period out of respect to his memory.

After realising I may be ready for another cat a few months ago, I’ve gone through a bit of an emotional cycle whereby I’ll see a cat I’d like to rehome, but pull out or change my mind at the last minute. This has happened about 4 times, each time I’ve felt a huge sense of relief after.

I decided to bite the bullet last week and we reserved another rescue cat who came home with us yesterday. She’s a young cat, extremely friendly and sweet natured, my two young daughters absolutely love her.

However….I haven’t been able to stop crying since we got her as she shares too many similarities with my old cat (old cat was black and white, long haired with a white stripe on the nose and new cat is grey and white, long haired with a white stripe on her nose)

My family think I’m seeing things and that she is nothing like our old cat in colouring and markings but I keep bursting into tears and I’ve found the whole experience hugely upsetting. I’ve brought my old cat’s ashes (which were on top of the wardrobe) back down and put them by his photo and I’ve been very indifferent to the new cat, not wanting to look at her or stroke her, although I have tried.

I feel like I’ve made the wrong decision and I should have chosen a VERY different looking cat like a tabby or a cream point.

For some context, I have struggled terribly with grief in the past, losing my mum fairly recently when I was just 30 and my maternal grandmother earlier this year. My childhood home (my safe place) is in the process of being sold.

Psychologically, I presume the grief is all linked but I don’t know how to get over these feelings towards my new cat. I honestly can’t bear to look at her at the moment and I’m ready to take her back.

Has anyone else had trouble with grief and getting over an old cat? Please be kind.

I made a conscious decision not to call my new cat any of the nicknames that I had for my old cat. But apart from that, I've enjoyed every cat as an individual - they all have their own special quirks and character to me.

It does sound as though maybe your cat is the easiest way to express all your pent up grief. I don't know if that makes sense, but almost like your magnificent cat (right now) represents all your losses, a short hand for it all.

But I also think by loving your new cat, you will heal as well. It sounds as though that will be a process which will take time; after all, she represents a lot of new things... Be gentle on yourself. You're not rejecting me cat, you're learning to heal and accept things...

And my magnificent boy died on Saint Patrick's day last year. He was a black and white tuxedo cat and he was my soul mate in feline form.

I got another cat the next day. He too is long furred although a different colour. He has bags of personality and sometimes when I'm stroking him, his fur feels the same as my magnificent boy.

He's just someone btw to know and love because my boy isn't here (well he is, he's cremated and in a small box behind my sofa where he liked sitting)

I know exactly what you mean OP
I ended up adopting a cat that was almost identical to one I'd lost 1.5 years previously, I felt it was a big mistake , kept calling her by previous cats name , kept comparing pics of them both , felt very sad
However , in time , new cat's personality and little habits took over
I became at peace with loving her and still loving the memories of the other one but found joy in her little ways ,
We never forget the ones that have gone but there are so many others that need a home , need love and give us so much in return
💐

Have you had any bereavement counselling? I agree it sounds like all your recent losses have compounded and now with the new cat the emotions are being focused there. Talking through what sounds like a very tough year with a professional may help. Aside from that, focus on what's different about new cat, buy different toys and cat stuff to make her distinct.

I understand. We had our beautiful girl pts in April following an unexpected and devastating cancer diagnosis, and adopted a new cat indecently quickly. He “spoke to me” from the CP website, partly because he is our girl’s absolute opposite (she was pure white, he’s orange, she was 10, he’s practically a baby, she was a very calm little soul and a lapcat from the day she came here aged three, he’s an absolute riot) and I am so glad he is very different.

Despite that, it took a real adjustment period, and there were a few times I cried and said to my DP that he was the “wrong cat”, and I didn’t think I could love him. It’s 1 October tomorrow and I can categorically say I do now love him. I’ve had to invest a lot of time and patience in him as he is an ex stray but it has paid off, and every week he’s become more “our cat”. I’d like to think our darling girl sent him because she knew he was what I needed to help heal my shattered heart.

She’s still my best girl, her ashes are in the hearth next to a framed photo of her - keeping an eye on the orange menace who is in utter disgrace for trying to steal a roast chicken yesterday!

You've had way more than your fair share of grief recently. It's early days, give this kitty a chance.

When our old boy died aged 20+ (originally a stray so not sure exactly), to begin with I couldn't contemplate another cat. My DD and DN picked one out on CP website, but I just wasn't ready.

Move on another few weeks, and our house was so quiet and lonely without a cat! Lo and behold, tortie and white girl was still available. There'd been applications for her but none was the right home. As soon as I'd reserved her, I fell in love with a long haired tortie and white girl (pretty sure she's part Maine Coon!) on a local rescue page and literally begged for her!

Almost 2 years on, we adopted a 3rd cat, half Maine Coon, half Ragdoll boy. First two cats do not get on unfortunately and I had hoped a nice chill boy would defuse the situation! Cat #1 hates them both, but happily Cat #2 and Cat #3 have bonded beautifully!

This wee cat deserves the same lovely life as your last cat did. Maybe it was a little too soon to adopt again - I waited 6 weeks. It's lovely when you see them start to trust you - that they can sleep really soundly in your company. All three of mine took a bit of time for that to happen.

I relate in taking time out before adopting another cat as that was my sentiment too but I would have found the similarities comforting. My DH and DC's heart was set on a vastly different cat when I had wanted a cat similar to my deceased beloved cat..this new cat's mannerisms and likes are so different I miss my old cat all the more. Honestly, I wish we hadn't got this new cat because she just does not compare to the love and support my other cat gave and it's not the new cat's fault, she has her own personality but her presence is making me compare to how wonderful my old cat was. I hope this will stops as my family would never let me rehome her!

I had a new boy very soon after loss, but was a domesticated stray on allotments for two years, so could not choose his looks. Took him in two days before Xmas and he healed my heart. Looks like prev boy, but not as confident or biter. He is named Ernie and a total lap cat, predecessor was Eric. We are all different and I had intended a few month gap, but could not leave him outdoors.
He is a gentle soul and obviously had lived in a home before. Jumped on my knee when I first met him. He loves both indoors and being out, won’t go out if cold or wet, he stays in at night. In summer follows me round the garden. Very spoiled, but really seems to love his home comforts. At the time a friend pushed for me to take him and she was right. We needed each other and Eric is not forgotten. Your heart is big enough for yours too.