How to tell the children our cat has died?

[ZigAZigAhh]

We have a beautiful cat who we just discovered was hit by a car last night. A neighbour found him. We have two children (8 and 6) who are going to be absolutely devastated. It was the cat’s ‘first proper’ birthday next week (he was born on 29 Feb 2020) and the children have been planning a little party for him. I am heartbroken - he was my best friend. For those who have very sadly been in this position, what is the best way to break the news?

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to happen.

When this happened to us, I was very straightforward. Told them together and said something like “I’ve got something really sad to tell you. Bobby was hit by a car yesterday and he has died”. We all took a day off school/work and we had a little funeral.

I don’t think there is a way to make it not sad for them so I would try to be very clear (as children can misunderstand adult euphemisms) and then all be there for each other.

Thinking of you all.

So sorry.
Do your children understand what death is? Try not to say stuff like gone to sleep forever or gone to heaven.
Mark his passing, and allow them to be sad, and explain it is OK to feel sad.

Agree with this. Sorry for your loss. Avoid saying the cat went to sleep. Tell them it's OK to be sad. It's OK for them to see you sad. Say you are there if they need to talk about it x

Oh this is heartbreaking 😔

I think its fine to be honest. You could leave it a couple of days until the weekend and then have a little funeral. If you have your cat cremated do it locally though an independent crematorium, rather than via a vet, because you'll have his ashes by the weekend. You could tell them in whatever terms make sense to them. Most just say they died, or more gently that they went to heaven. If you are anything like me you would use it as a lesson in road safety. Death and grief is a natural part of life, and it's important that you let them see you cry, so that they can feel safe in expressing their own feelings.

I have very sadly just been through this with my own dc recently. We actively chose to get a new kitten very soon after and this has been a big comfort to us all. Not to replace our old beloved cat but to fill the cat shaped hole she left in our house.

As today is Thursday I would also recommend telling them Friday if possible, to give them a couple of days to grieve before having to go to school.

Thank you all so much for your kind messages and advice. They mean a lot.

I would ideally like to leave it until the weekend too so am doing my best to put on a brave face even though I am absolutely devastated. We don’t have his body - I’ve been told the council took it away - so can’t do a proper funeral, but I would like to buy a plant to put in his favourite spot in the garden.

I have been wondering about getting another cat, too - obviously I don’t want to do anything too quickly but I had thought that it might help us all through this.

If you get In touch with the council, they may return him to you. Although it might not be a good idea to see him. I wouldn't delay telling them.

The kids that is.

I'm sorry about your cat. We sadly lost several when I was between the ages of 6-11. I think it's best to be honest. Tell them the cat was hit by a car and he was hurt too badly to be able to live with his injuries. Tell them sooner rather than later, as I'm sure they've already noticed he's not around.
Maybe at the weekend you could make a little memory box or photo book with them and perhaps you'd like to plant a rose or something in the garden to remember him by - they could each decorate a pebble or make a little memorial sign to put beside it.
Another cat isn't a bad idea but leave it a little while. The new cat will be very different and it would be very hard for everyone not to compare them when the memory of the deceased cat is so fresh. Perhaps in the late spring / early summer (peak kitten season) you will be ready.

Have you seen photos or definitely confirmed it was your cat? (Via collar/microchip)
several times well meaning neighbours have misidentified other cats as ours - and insisted they were right even when our cat was right in front of me. Just wanted to ensure there was no potential for mistaken identity before you break the news to the kids. So sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss. At times like this I wish the Rainbow Bridge was real.

Honesty is best. He was hit by a car and his injuries were too bad, and it’s okay to be sad. Non pet owners may not understand the grief of losing a pet so they should also be made aware of this.

Hugs.

Sorry for your loss! My advice is:

-Tell them directly and honestly without euphemism. If it feels unnaturally blunt, you're probably doing it right. We use euphemism to soften the words because adults know what is being said but children often don't and find it confusing. E.g. avoid words like "lost" and "passed". Do not lie about "going to live on a farm" etc.

• Be prepared for questions e.g. "what happens when animals die? What about people?" etc. and answer them as honestly as you can. Be clear that nobody knows for sure. If you have beliefs of your own then share them, but ideally also mention what other people believe.

• There's a good chance, if it's their first loss, that it may provoke a lot of anxiety about themselves or people around them (like you) dying. This is very difficult. When you're a child you just think everyone will be there forever even if you do logically know what death is. Be prepared for them to ask about this and be upset by your answers. This is natural. While it's fine to reassure them e.g. that you're all healthy and keeping yourself safe and there's no reason to think you will die any time soon, again do not lie to them. It's tempting, when a child is so upset to just tell them that mummy and daddy won't die until they're very old but you can't promise that so don't.

• Be careful with words of reassurance. People who believe in heaven often say things like "they are in a better place" or even people who don't believe in heaven might say things like "they aren't suffering" or "they had a happy life". While these are intended to reassure and aren't necessarily bad to mention in the context of a conversation where it comes up, if they're used as a way to try to "fix" the child's feelings they can have a negative impact. They can come across as dismissive or as if the child's feelings of sadness are shameful. Don't try to fix their feelings - validate them and be there.

• Be prepared for other unexpected feelings aside from sadness e.g. anger at your cat for not being 'careful', anger at you for not keeping the cat in, a seeming lack of caring e.g. "can we get a dog now?". These can be harder to deal with and they feel so illogical and out of character that they can throw you off but keep reminding yourself how much they adored the cat and their little minds are trying to understand what's happened and protect them from very distressing feelings. It's very likely that these feelings will pass quickly and make way for more 'standard' feelings of sadness, especially if they are supported and validated with their grief, but do be prepared.

It's a really difficult thing to go through but unfortunately they will experience many losses in their lives and the way they are encouraged to process it now will pave the way for the rest of their lives.

Oh no, don't tell them that he was hurt too badly to live with his injuries. That's too graphic.
Also baldly saying he's died is too blunt. Tell them he's gone to heaven and if they want to then they can still mark what would have been his birthday. Don't replace him for a couple of months at a minimum. Get a cat from a sanctuary when you do.

Oh no @Bbq1! They are old enough to understand what 'he died' means, and that he was hurt too bad to live - seems totally appropriate.

@OttolenghiSimple has nailed it.

Don't say "he was hurt too badly to live with his injuries" because they may then focus or dwell on "hurt".

Just a simple "he was hit by a car and died, and we are very sad" will cover it.

We lost ours last week - my kids are a lot older but they were still sad, and we all acknowledged that we were sad. When they were younger and we lost a cat I'd keep it brief and simple and never offered up any details. Just a "sit down with me, I've got some sad news: cat has died today".

We will get another cat I'm sure, as this is first time in 25 years we haven't had a cat in the house. If you're a cat family too I'm sure you'll have another one before long. Not ever a replacement, just another cat to love.

Gosh, no. Don’t do this.
You must say he’s died, not that he’s gone to heaven. It’s also fine to say he was hurt too badly to live. That’s not graphic at all.

So sorry, that’s really sad. Are the children asking where the cat is? If so I would be honest and tell them, you will have to at some point. Unfortunately it’s the worst part of pet ownership loving a pet and then losing them, been through it many times and one of the reasons we don’t have pets now. It’s really heartbreaking.

We went through this at exactly the same age of dc. My oldest is autistic as well which made telling them even harder.

We said the cat had been hit by a car. Very sadly he was badly hurt. That meant he died straight away.

We said he didn’t suffer and he did not know anything about the accident. We said he had had a wonderful life with us and would always have known the children and me and dp loved him.

We had the ashes in our case and buried them in the garden. We encouraged the children to write a bit about memories of him. We read them out in the garden. You could still do this even without the ashes.

When we were growing up our grandma lived with us. We had 3 cats too.

grandma developed dementia and could be quite blunt to put it nicely 😂 one of our cats passed away and she decided she must tell the 3 of us ‘kids , you all need to know that Terry is dead, he’s completely dead. He won’t come back , you can probably get a replacement if you want but it’ll only look like him it won’t be the same cat. No point anyone crying it’s just nature!’ and we all sat there just not knowing what to say ! We were 5,7 and 10.

When grandma passed away 2 years after that my youngest brother said ‘I don’t think we can get a replacement for a person can we ?’

At 6, i think that's too much info. Why do young children need to know how badly he was injured? Surely that's obvious due to the fact the the poor cat is dead. Why add a bit more distressing detail about what he died from?

Don't do what I did.... one of our cats had to be pts while I was pregnant and I couldn't bring myself to tell our then two children for a couple of days that he had died. They didn't know I was pregnant... so I blurted out, "I'm so sorry but X died. But you're getting a new brother or sister!" I have no idea over 20 years later how I managed that!

I am so sorry about your kitty. I think be gentle with them but be straight to the point too. Do the council not still have his body? My friend's cat was killed and the body lifted by the council and she got him back.

In terms of getting another cat, I would. Our old boy died 2 years ago and we were all devastated. I didn't think I was ready for another cat, but the house was so empty and there was a cat-shaped hole, so after I few weeks I adopted two rescue girls, and have since added a third! We were still devastated about losing our boy but these cats have brought so much joy and fun to our house. They lifted everyone's spirits.

No helpful suggestions just wanted to say so sorry for your loss 💐

A massive thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply - your messages have been such a comfort and a source of excellent advice. We broke the news last night - we were direct but gentle. The children were absolutely devastated and there were many many tears and hugs from all of us. Things are a lot calmer this morning. The house does feel very empty though and I think we will look to adopt again sooner rather than later - not to attempt to replace our lovely boy in any way, but to be able to give another cat in a shelter a happy home and have another purry furry companion to love.

@ZigAZigAhh you won't replace your boy - he will always be in your heart x