Cats are not becoming 'best friends in a week'

[MrsDukeOfHastings]

Hello I am after some advice, although I am pretty sure I know the answer, I'm just hoping to avoid rehoming.

This may be a bit long. So I have a nearly 2 year old female and a 9 month old male both neutered. Had them both since kitten so have been together now for 7 months.

There has been no changes, they are indoor but with lots of stimulation and I have a calcony (catio but enclosed balcony) no stress that I can recall, no litter or territorial issues as they have lots of space both shared and isolated.

First my female cat did not like new male at all, I did all of the right introduction as in separated from the beginning, scent swapping, feeding either side of the door etc etc I did this for about a month and eventually they got curious and see each other. Female cat would hiss and run away.

Slowly, they were completely integrated but have NEVER got along. Male cat has now become quite dominant and pretty sure he thinks he is boss and will constantly, and I'm not exaggerating, pounce on her. Sometimes it is playful but always turns into real fighting.

It's gotten to the point now that they simply cannot be together even for 5 mins without fighting. I've tried feliway, diffusers, all the plug ins, I've done shared play and shared positive experiences. I've had them both checked at the vet and nothing is standing out as wrong.

The strangest thing is though, they can have rare moments where they have laid together or bumped noses and greeted each other but this is so rare that its kind of irrelevant now.

It's come to a bit of a head this week where I noticed male has a wound on his head, I presume from the fighting, which means they are meaning to hurt each other. I don't know what to do because even rehoming I couldn't choose which one as I don't want to rehome either of them but this isn't enjoyable or peaceful for me or the cats.

They both have separate everything, 3 litter trays all in separate 'safe' spots. They both get the same amount of play and love. I originally thought male was the aggressor and tbh still do but now female is just as bad.

Everyone irl said to me, they will be best friends in a week and cuddling up to each other, it's been 7 months and they don't even tolerate each other.

Any advice please?

A friend of mine adopted an eight week old kitten to keep her two year old cat company, after another cat went missing. Started ok, she has a photo of them curled up together, but as the kitten grew he was continually attacking the older cat in a not-entirely friendly fashion. Older cat was overgrooming through stress. Friend tried everything you listed, but eventually had to rehome the kitten. He's with me now, my cats have adjusted to his existence and are not intimidated by his dominance issues, and after a month all is well.

You need to rehome one of them, I'm sorry.

(All cats in this story are neutered males.)

Thank you for your response.

I agree that it does seem to be the males that act like this a lot. It's actually quite sad because he is really sweet and loving except towards her and I think in the beginning he was just trying to be friends with her and she wasn't having it so now it's turned into this.

I'm glad you took him on though and he gets on with your cats, if I had someone to take him I'd do the same, I'm worried he might be 'too much' for someone and he will end up rehomed again.

I do also think my female is one of those cats that just likes being alone because she was for a long time and she was very spoiled by me, they both are now but I don't think she's prepared to share any of it.

I had a female cat that lived with her brother for 11 years. I lost the male and got another cat who was very relaxed. They never really got on, just tolerated each other. I ignored their bad behaviour and they seemed to sort it out between themselves.

Have you considered reintroducing them to each other? Give them food and treats together. Have you heard of Jackson galaxy? He has some really good videos on YouTube on feline behaviour.

Maybe the male cat needs more play time? I am thinking about getting my cat a running wheel (like a big hamster wheel) because he has lots of aggressive energy!

Yes, my kitten (he's about 7months old now) is absolutely adorable with humans but really wants to be Top Cat with felines. My friend's older cat is an Oriental breed, very fine boned and thin-coated, and the kitten was her first moggy. Mine are moggies, we live on a farm, and they have good thick winter coats on them, so kitten attacks hurt less! He did intimidate one of my cats for a while, but after seeing his littermate brother splat the kitten a couple of times (no injuries) he stopped running and ended up playing with the irritating wee bugger! 😁

It's been even better since I allowed the kitten to go outdoors, he uses a lot of his aggression in chasing dead leaves and will undoubtedly deplete the local rodent population come spring.

So It's all worked out for my friend, her other cat (who has emotionally recovered) us, my cats and the kitten. Could you also rehome to a rural area? I do think he'd benefit from being an outdoor cat. I know loads of cats are happy indoors and don't criticise that decision at all, but some just won't settle.

I would try splitting them up completely (within the flat) for a good month and reintroducing them. I know Jackson Galaxy has had some success doing this on his shows.

I have tried the reintroduction and they are separated again, they've been separated pretty much the whole 7 months, more so now, it's just the odd times when they slip out.

I've watched Jackson Galaxy which is where I even knew to do the introduction process in the first place. I think I've just got 2 cats that will not ever get on.

I would much rather accept that then force all these techniques to eventually still not work, surely it cannot be nice for them to live like this either. I feel like I just needed to hear from other people that some just don't get on and that's OK.

I don't have many people irl that actually own cats so they don't really get it.

I think it may be right that one of them would be better suited outside. In fact I think they both would thinking about it. I feel I have some things to consider.

Is there any way to let them out to roam?

How much time have they actually spent together?

You've said they've been separated for the whole 7 months unless they escape, so I wonder if it's still just new to them and they've never really gotten used to each other?

They do roam, they both have run of each side of the house and I swap them over regularly, they also go on the calcony.

They've actually spent a lot of time together, when I say they've been separated pretty much the whole time, what I mean is at the beginning they were able to be around each other for longer than they can now but it always resulted in the same thing and I was separating them often throughout the day but then bringing them back together, harmonious, fighting, separate, rinse and repeat.

So essentially we went the other way after introduction where we weren't building up interaction it was building down. Now they are completely separated again.

They are very used to seeing each other, they once were feeding together, laying in the same room together just apart. That seems like a distant memory now and even then I thought that was bad! From day one they have fought and they've wound each other up and they did play until it turned real.

One of the things I noticed was when they were playing female would want to stop and she would warn him but not hurt him and he would completely ignore it and carry on and then of course it turned into a real fight.

She didn't like him from the beginning but she was never aggressive towards him, as he has gotten older he has tried to dominate her and be boss and I kind of wish she did put him in his place at the start and maybe he would have learned his boundaries but here we are.

I do agree though thay they haven't really gotten used to each other by how they act but you would think they never laid eyes on each other sometimes.

It's confusing because even when Ive had people over and they have seen it they say its odd because they could be around each other perfectly fine, pay no attention, no threats, no hissing, no negative body language and then within minutes they are scrapping.

I hear you! Two pairs of brother and sister here, now 6 years in and still have to keep them separate!

We've spent hundreds on behavioural consultants (happy to give you the name if you're interested) and done all you described above. Because giving up the cats is simply not an option for us, it's just our way of life. Swapping them everyday does seem madness to anyone else but it works for us.

I don't have answer unfortunately, other than to say it is possible to live like this in the long term is 3 you decide to keep them.

I didn't get notified about this post again and I then lost it 🤔 anyhow thank you all for the advice and sharing your experiences. I have decided, after very very careful consideration, it's best we rehome him.

It was the very last thing I wanted to do but you know what he is actually a little bit of a bully and I think he would suit just having all the love and attention for himself.

There is this lovely lady that is going to take him, she sounds perfect for him and pretty similar set up to what he already has, only difference being that he will be the only animal in the home and she isn't going to be adding any more so I think he will be just fine.

She has assured me that she will send regular updates and he isn't going that far from me. I'm really upset about this but after weighing it all up I do think it's for the best, I was keeping him here and trying all these things but it was for selfish reasons because i just love him so much i didnt want him to go, but at the end of the day the cats aren't happy and it's not fair for them to live where they aren't happy and even if I love him it's not enjoyable or fair and he will be just as loved with the new lady.

Thanks for the update. I think you made the right decision, especially as he'll be close enough for the odd visit. The lady from whom I rehomed my kitten dropped by today and was happy to see him roaming the great outdoors, and obviously comfortable in the house, so all's well that ends well. 😎