My cat died and I feel so guilty and heart-broken

[InsomniacA]

I don't know what I want from this thread, but none of my real-life friends or family understand why I am so upset weeks after my cat died.

I had my girl for 10 years. To make this short, when she was diagnosed with cancer, I opted for all treatments/surgery that was possible, even though it was terminal. I just loved her so much and thought that I could give her a comfortable last few months.

The end was terrible. I think she was in pain. Extenuating, unusual circumstances meant I couldn't get her to the vet for a week after she began to show symptoms of suffering, and it was hellish (there was physically no way it could happen, long story). Her death at the vet's was terrible, exactly what I didn't want for her.

I hate myself for what happened to my kitty. I wish I could go back in time and euthanize her the day she was diagnosed, before she had any symptoms. Looking back, I wonder why the vet advised surgery/treatment to me as the best choice, even though she knew my girl only had a few months. Is this normal vet protocol? I was so emotional and upset when I learned the diagnosis, and I can see that I also had some kind of magical thinking going on. Deep down, I believed that my girl would be a miracle case, that she would have much more time. I am so, so selfish and stupid.

I feel like I did such an evil thing, putting my girl through surgery for her to die so soon after, in such a terrible way. She was such a loving little cat, and she trusted me so much. I stayed beside her for her last days and nights, just talking to her and trying to sooth her when she cried for me. I know I let her down. I can't believe I was so delusional as to think surgery/treatment was a good choice for a terminal case like cancer.

And I just can't get over it or stop thinking about it. I feel like I somehow flipped a balance in my soul, or karma bank, or something, that I did something so evil that it really does make me a bad person. My girl deserved so much better than me.

I keep looking where she used to sit and the fur patch on the sofa, and her toys and bwowls, which I can't bear to put away. I cry every day. I will never get another cat because I don't deserve one, and because I can't handle this ever again.

Has anyone else ever been through anything similar? What finally brought you peace, if anything?

Just to let you know I’m thinking of you and your beautiful fur baby. What was her name?

Vets sometimes go for the option that will be more… financially viable… to them. Sadly 😞But you made the choice based on the advice given, and it can’t be faulted.

She’ll not be in pain anymore and will be missing you as well.

I just loved her so much and thought that I could give her a comfortable last few months.

Looking back, I wonder why the vet advised surgery/treatment to me as the best choice, even though she knew my girl only had a few months.

You trusted your vet. We are told to trust the doctor, to trust the vet.

Extenuating, unusual circumstances meant I couldn't get her to the vet for a week

DM had to have one of her cats PTS during lockdown and she couldn't get an appointment as soon as she would have liked. He too should have been PTS several days earlier than he was.

It's easy to say "better a week too soon than an hour too late" when it's someone else's cat. At the end, you always want just a few more minutes with them. You know you shouldn't, but you do. I'm terrified that I won't be strong enough to let Dcat go when the time comes.

I'm crying for you. You made a mistake that I can so easily imagine myself making. I should be angry at you and I can't be.

Im so so sorry for your loss. I had to have my dog put to sleep 2 months ago and I still have elements of guilt and questioning my decisions. He was old and had an horrific seizure. I chose to have him euthanised. He was 15 years old and after I felt like I rushed into the decision. Truth is guilt, bargaining and denial are a part of the grieving process. You did what you thought was right at the time. All you are guilty of is the love you had for you furbaby. X

That's so horrible. Ultimately you were badly advised and it was just terrible luck that you couldn't get emergency assistance when she needed it.

I've been thankful to have good advice and let mine go in good time but with a bad vet can imagine not knowing when enough is enough or rather when it's the best time in the circumstances. So I'm saying it could happen to anyone and I'm sorry you're left with this guilt on top of sadness.

Now look, you did what you thought was best after taking the advice of your vet. You weren’t to know what would happen and you must forgive yourself. You are only human and you loved your cat. I’m sure she would forgive you because she loved you too.

If it’s any help or comfort I still don’t think I had two of my cats euthanised early enough, I think a lot of people feel like this. It’s very hard to judge sometimes as cats hide pain and discomfort so well. You are still grieving and that is hard enough (I cried for days when my mine died and I am usually hard as nails and rarely cry), I only really recovered when I got another cat - not that I am suggesting you do this. Please stop torturing yourself with guilt and allow yourself to grieve. Your cat lived a loved and happy life with you. Many cats don’t live a life like that. Big unMumsnetty hugs.

I am so sorry OP. I really feel for you. Sorry this is long, but we have a similar tale.

I had a lovely girl cat before I had my current one (there were two; one had to be PTS a few weeks ago, but in better circumstances but still awful elements of guilt…) & first she had kidney problems, but well controlled with diet. Then she was diagnosed with mammary cancer. She was also ten and the operation would have been too much for her for not much life afterwards so I decided against it, but kept taking her to my local vet as she was on medication and she was obviously getting worse in hindsight. She was having seizures, bad UTIs & so on. But otherwise like all cats, hiding her pain. Resting and sleeping and purring and still eating. But like you, the vet kept advising treatment and meds, & I’d never experienced a cat with a terminal illness before. My cat before lovely ginger floof died suddenly which was differently awful. Anyway - local vet clearly all out of ideas. HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME TO HAVE HER PTS. Instead referred me to a whizz bang specialist centre in Surrey.

I cannot relay to you how guilty and awful I feel for going along with this. I vividly remember scooping her up from her beloved comfy blanket, stuffing her in a carrier and taking the vet transport van to this place which was a long drive and must have been terrifying for her, her carrier was held in with chains at the back and they clanked and rattled the whole way. All seemed good at whizzy bang place at first, seemed like they might be able to do something for her. So I left her there and went back home. Each day telephone updates were a bit less positive. After a few days very clear there was nothing they could do, total fool’s errand. I went to pick her up with the idea of bringing her home again and getting a vet to the house to put her to sleep in comfort. But when I got to the vets it was horrific. She was barely alive. She had been a in a tiny cage surrounded by other sick and loud cats obviously she would have been immensely stressed and she was doped up the eyeballs. So hopefully some of the stress was mitigated by the meds. She didn’t seem to recognise me at all. When they got her out of the cage she started shaking. No doubt because of all the awful tests she had had. Steel counters in room, just typical large vet room but maybe I was naive, I didn’t realise it would be as awful as that. When I took her in they didn’t show me that, of course. Nothing could have prepared me for seeing her there. I told them to end her suffering there and then. It was brutal, it was horrific. I couldn’t comfort her, she didn’t know who I was. She was so weakened she went instantly, her head just dropped. It was an absolutely horrific experience and I felt the greatest guilt and sorrow that I had taken her there. It was really hard to get over and try and forgive myself and even though it was 6 years ago it was hard to write it here and remember it again.

I was badly advised. So were you. It wasn’t our fault.

We both loved our cats very very much and tried to do the right thing for them. We thought we were doing the right thing.

my cat had a lovely lovely life with me no cat could have been more spoiled or fussed over or loved. She was my baby. Before any actual DC so she was my world. I try and now only think of the good times we shared, and when she was happy and purring in my lap.

You are not evil. Don’t hate yourself. You acted out of the best intentions. You did not set out to cause your cat harm or distress. You loved your cat.

What has brought me peace is 1. focusing on the length of her life and time we had together compared to the short time at the end. 2. learning to forgive myself because I thought, like you, I was doing the right thing. I had no experience with sick pets and I was given dreadful advice. I think vet 1 wasn’t very good at their job, didn’t know what to do, so fobbed me off on vet 2. and yes I do believe vet 2 wanted the business regardless, as they should have turned us away and let her die in peace at home.

1. Finally, What has also brought me peace is that I have learned from the experience. When my lovely old boy also developed cancer, diagnosed in March, I didn’t put him on any treatment. I just strengthened my bond with him; kept a close eye on him; gave him all his favourite treats and spoiled him rotten. When he started to decline more I took him to the vets to confirm what I already knew, they offered to euthanise him there & then. I said no, booked them to come to the house on the Monday (this was Friday) and spoiled him rotten once again for one last weekend. Whilst being with your beloved pet when they are PTS is never a nice experience at least one minute he was out in the garden, then I brought him up to the bedroom and cuddled him on the bed. He had a sedative as I didn’t want him to be frightened (he did try to run away when he saw vet and nurse and all the kit) and he died with me there in his favourite place.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s very hard. But as you grieve for your lovely cat also try and forgive yourself. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to get it absolutely ‘right’ when you have to make hard decisions about having your pet PTS.

much unmumnetty love and hugs to you

JFC @LittleBrownJug I'm so angry for your poor cat.

Not at you, I hasten to add.

It was fucking awful @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia I was so unwise to what her situation would be at vet 2 that I took in a Tupperware of tuna water for her as a treat! Every time they called they said she was fine; even said she had “luxurious accommodation”, what a fucking crock of shit. I am so angry at both sets of vets, all these years later.

I don’t live there anymore but avoid the Goddard’s near Stockwell Station (if that one bad vet is still working there!). I was too upset and traumatised at the time to process it all and the damage done but I really can’t believe he sent me to the specialist vet. I honestly think he didn’t know what to do & just wanted to pass the buck.

I’ve moved towns since & I like and trust my vets but more importantly I will trust my own gut now. So many people told me I would know when it was time with my most recent boy cat. And they were right.

RIP Duchess you lovely, sweet gentle girl
RIP Jitsu you beautiful, sensitive empathetic boy

@LittleBrownJug, that is so sad, but so similar to what happened to my girl. She was my first and only cat, and I always trusted that vets knew best and had her best interest at heart. But now I wonder if my vet pushed the surgery for her own gain.

It was a different vet where I took my cat when I was finally able to get her there at the end, and I think he did the same thing. My girl was clearly dying and I wanted her put out of her pain, but the second vet insisted that if he could get just some fluid out of her lungs, she would feel better 'immediately' and could go home to rest and eat. But she died on the table, and it was terrible, just the most violent, distressing thing I have ever seen in my life. When she went still the vet was trying to get her to breath through the mask, and then was giving her chest compressions and at one point tried breathing into her mouth himself. And then I just crouched beside the table and sobbed. The vet said that she had been so weak that this wasn't surprising, which now that I think of it makes me so angry. I was very clear that I didn't want her in pain. He didn't tell me prior to trying to take out the fluid that she would probably die from it, that there was a small chance it would work. He also asked to see the records from the first vet and disagreed with their course of treatment, not because he thought that there shouldn't have been surgery, but because he thought there should have been more aggressive chemo after the surgery (first vet said tumours in lungs were too advanced for chemo to work and would cause unnecessary side effects for no real reason). To be fair, the second vet refused to take any payment at all from me. I think he was relieved that I finally got up and moved out of the examination room because I was a mess.

Again, I should have researched. I should have thought and been less trusting of what the vets advised. I don't even think we treat until the end like this with dying humans, do we?

I will never get another cat; my cat is dead. But if I could go back in time I would euthanize as soon as I learned her diagnosis was terminal, even though she was perfectly pain-free and healthy seeming at that point. I would advise anyone to do the same. I am so very angry at myself for not seeing this clearly before. And I will never forgive myself. All her life, my cat used to come to me or call me when she needed something or if she was distressed, and in the end I let her down.

I think humans get a worse rap than our pets OP. There’s no euthanasia for us, not in the U.K anyway. Death is rarely pleasant.

You could put a complaint or ‘feedback’ in to the veterinary practice, may help with closure to have an explanation as to why you weren’t told of the risks at the time. The vet sounds a bit wet behind the ears. Wasn’t she sedated for the procedure to remove the fluid…

My lovely cat was pts, about 26 years ago and I’ll never forget it. It was awful. I know a lot of people say it’s been peaceful for them, it wasn’t for me. There are no guarantees. If you had made the choice earlier you’d feel like it was too soon and feel guilty.

I am sorry about your cat, you clearly loved her and did your best. Would it help to post a photo so we can see her?

Allow yourself to grieve, could you have a little garden memorial.. . 💐

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I found this thread while searching for solace after my 3 year old boy cat was pts last week. I was offered surgery at a cost of thousands of pounds and panicked and opted to euthanise him and I'm consumed by guilt. He deserved a human who would have had a clearer head and made a better decision. He was my faithful little companion and I didn't come through for him. I'm taking a small amount of comfort from this thread and I hope you'll take comfort in my experience too as it seems there's no right answer whatever we do. We'll feel guilty and grieve for them no matter what.

I am so sorry that you have lost your lovely girl and that the natural pain and distress you feel is magnified because you believe you let her down. As LadyChilli s post makes it clear we make different decisions, none of them easy, and sometimes we are not sure it was the right one .

All I can say is to take comfort in all the right decisions you know you made for your cats during their lives that made those lives richer, more comfortable and full of love . Remember the food you chose because they loved it even if it was the one they decided they hated the following week, , the unconditional affection, the times you sat very still so as not to disturb a sleeping cat, the day to day care, the grooming, the times you forgave them for unwanted gifts, the flea treatments they hated, the tablets you disguised as ham, the treats you gave them because they looked at you with those big eyes.

I know I waited too long to make the decision for one of my cats, and my dd and I made the mistake of prolonging treatment for one of hers which was the wrong choice. But we learnt from those mistakes, subsequent cats have benefitted from our knowledge, it doesn’t stop the guilt, but it helps to know that.

And OP, I know you are feeling raw, and reading your account of your cats last appointment I can understand why. But please, in time, reconsider having another one to share your life . Good owners - and despite how you feel , you are a good owner, you were badly let down - like you are desperately needed, there are so many cats that need loving, caring homes and one of them might be able to help you accept your loss, and fill that space on your lap.

But if I could go back in time I would euthanize as soon as I learned her diagnosis was terminal, even though she was perfectly pain-free and healthy seeming at that point. I would advise anyone to do the same.

^ the thing is there's a huge spectrum of possible scenarios in between. You wouldn't go to Switzerland following a routine mammogram discovery. If you want to be critical, your only "mistake" was not asking enough questions, or getting second opinions.

What are the risks, benefits, alternatives? What happens if we do nothing for a day/week/month?

This is the conversation to have next time including for humans.

You did what you thought was best plus your vet didn’t say anything against it.

You couldn’t have known.

So sorry for your loss.

@LittleBrownJug you reminded me of my experience 15 years ago now. I had two beautiful sisters since they were kittens, one tortie and white, the other dilute tortie and white. Like you they were my babies before the human variety came along (and after too!). They had their own bedroom. They came downstairs for breakfast and had their dinner in their bedroom. Their food was on a tray and every dish was freshly washed every time. I'd call them did they want to go upstairs, and they charged upstairs in front of me. We sat on the floor so they could stretch out on the sofa. They had smoked salmon on their birthday!

We later acquired a gorgeous ginger boy and a blue tabby (always said I had 2 planned, 2 accidents!) Ginger developed kidney failure from FIV when he was 10. He was vet checked every Friday and on this Friday the vet said his levels were through the roof and they didn't know how he was still alive. I brought him home anyway. On the Sunday morning, I knew it was time. It was peaceful for him but harrowing for us.

Dilute girl died suddenly - just found her gone. 6 months later her sister was diagnosed with a tumour in her stomach and The Decision was looming. The plan was she would spend a couple of days on the drip and then come home for a few days. I went to collect her. Receptionist greeted me with, "oh it's awful, it was so fast!" Turned out my girl had died shortly after midnight and the fuckers let me go there to pick a live cat! They'd also run tests that I'd explicity asked them not to, but they ignored my wishes.

Autumn of 2021, I knew my old boy was very unwell. He found us after 3rd cat died, all three within 11 months. I had also vowed never to have another, but he adored us, and we adored him, and we had 12+ happy years with him. He was 20+ when he passed by himself, vet reassured us he wasn't in pain and he went very peacefully in his own time with us all around him.

@InsomniacA I didn't know if I had it in me to go through it again, but you have to focus on the joy they bring in their lifetime more than the devastation when we lose them.... it's hard, trust me I know - I adore cats and I've had them my whole life.

I missed my boy so much. The house was so empty. So, guilty as I felt, I adopted 2 rescue girls just 8 weeks later. People said he would be happy that we had cats in our lives again - I said, "would he fuck, he hated other cats!"

They aren't a replacement - not at all - but they find their own place in your heart. I couldn't love these two girls any more after a year, and they have their own little personalities and they have brought life and joy back to the house.

You did what you thought was best for your furbaby. There was no 'easy' answer to this - please don't beat yourself up. We kept our old boy going through arthritis, epilepsy, several bouts of vestibular disease, losing the sight in an eye, diabetes and finally losing power completely in his back legs, and incontinence. And I am glad we didn't euthanise him because he wanted so desperately to stay with us! Plus we now have a wonderful vet, so I trusted their advice.

If you had euthanised your baby, you'd have always wondered what would have been the outcome if you'd opted for treatment. That kitty loved you and was loved in return. That's the important bit. Some many cats don't get that loving life.

I've literally learned something from every cat I've had in 60 years of life. There's some little soul out there in a rescue, waiting for someone to love them. The best way to honour your little cat is to do the same for another cat that you did for your darling girl. I don't think I will ever be without at least one cat in my life unless I get so old and decrepit that I can't look after one.

Love & hugs xx

But she died on the table, and it was terrible, just the most violent, distressing thing I have ever seen in my life.

I think that a substantial part of why you are in so much pain and unable to even start to start to process it (e.g. by putting her toys away and vacuuming the sofa) is that you are traumatised 1) by witnessing her suffering and 2) by being unable to protect her from it because the vet wouldn't carry out your wish to euthanise your dying cat. The combination of violence and lack of control is a perfect recipe for trauma.

Trauma means that your brain gets emotionally "stuck". You replay a mental video tape but you can't process it emotionally. You might benefit from professional help with this.

Sending lots of hugs to everyone here who has experienced such pain.

To the OP. I assure you it does get better xx

With regards to the vets - I do think it’s important for people to remember that the vet might be optimistic because they have seen treatments work. Or for all we know they might have killed (PTS is just a euphemism- THEY killed them) 10 animals that day and they just wanted to save one with a chance. Or maybe it’s an unscrupulous practice which they have no choice but to follow the policy. So in a week or so do email advice (complaints/suggestions), but to the practice as a whole.

It is so hard. And it must be really hard for them. I don’t know how they do it. I was a big mess when my dog died and they were amazing counsellors

So very sorry for your loss OP (and to other PPs). I think that you all did your very best with the information that you had at the time, and did what you felt was best for your DCAT. That's not something to blame yourself for.

[Also and FWIW, I may have probably opted for having the fluid drained from the lungs too - I work as an HCP (but for humans) and it is something that we often do for our patients who have pleural effusions due to things like cancer. The benefits outweigh the risks (in most cases) and it is a procedure frequently/routinely carried out (for humans!). It can be pretty fast relief from discomfort (I've seen it) for my patients, and enables them to breathe a lot easier and experience less pain. So with that in mind, if it was put forward as an option for one of my cats, then I'm pretty certain I would have gone for it (based on my own current knowledge and experience as an HCP for humans!) to relieve discomfort/pain.]

You loved your cat so very much, and gave her a wonderful life, a safe home and all the care in the world. She was happy, adored you and was secure throughout her life. Had you PTS right at the start, I'm betting you would be wondering if you could have done more. Please be kind to yourself, you honestly did the best you can xx

for all we know they might have killed (PTS is just a euphemism- THEY killed them) 10 animals that day and they just wanted to save one with a chance.

Vets have four times the suicide rate of the baseline population and four times that of doctors. Euthanasia is part of why that is.

I’m so sorry I lost my first cat to cancer he was only 7 years old. We did minimum treatment but it was still hard at the end deciding when exactly to PTS.

I didn’t think I could have another cat as I was so heartbroken. Out local rspca has a website and for some reason a couple of days after he died I scrolled and saw two kittens and a few days later they were home. They helped enormously with my grief.

I try not to use vets too much. I think we over medicalise pets. Your job as a cat owner is to provide them with love in their lives for as long or short it may be.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. Try not to let a short period of suffering (for both you and your lovely cat) outweigh the happy years together.

Op my heart breaks for you. You clearly loved your cat a lot and I’m sure she knew that. Please believe that you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had. She is safe from pain now. You didn’t let her down.

You poor thing - I’m so sorry. You sound so distressed. What happened really wasn’t your fault - you trusted professional advice and had no reason not to. Your kitty clearly had a lovely life with you, so try to remember that rather than what happened at the end (which is hard, I know).