Am I being unreasonable to rehome?

[Thehonestbadger]

I never thought this would happen.
Hubby and I have a fab track record as responsible pet owners and when we took in our currently 5yo cat we had all the best intentions but it feels completely impossible now.

For two years it was ok, he’s never been overly friendly but we adored him anyway. Then we had two children, one of whom unexpectedly has severe learning disabilities and a whole host of other issues along side. His behaviour is loud, volatile and can not be managed to make life easier for the cat. He also needs a whole world of extra input which means the cat is now very much only having basic needs met (I still put the cat before myself very much so)

But he absolutely hates this set up and is very distressed and unsettled all the time: he’s scared of his own shadow, any other animal; anyone who isn’t us. He hides, hisses and sprints away from a simple knock on the door.

On top of that we had to move house recently, (due to finances as I can no longer work and have to now care for our AN child) and cat has taken the move very poorly. There are other cats on the estate now (we used to live super rural) so he won’t go outside, we’ve tried everything to help and have liased with the vets over and over again. Nothing works. so he’s now an indoor cat who is terrified of the kids, miserable and distressed:
he wakes everyone up all night, shits all over the house in the kids toys…etc and generally isn’t happy.

fwiw I have nothing left to give. I hit rock bottom months ago and am only just recovering from a serious eating disorder and depression. My life sucks so you can call me a terrible person, I can’t feel much worse about myself tbh.

hubby won’t hear of re homing but works 70+ hours a week as a junior doctor and is never here, despite the cat being his really and only actually wanting him.

I just don’t know what to do

Rehome. This isn’t because you can’t be bothered to train, or are ignoring the easy solutions. You have, unexpectedly, ended up in a situation which makes your cat very unhappy and it is not in your gift to change things sufficient to make him happy. I’ve been there - different details but the same issue of unforeseen change and a very unhappy animal. Rehoming is the right thing to do if it is the only way to provide a better life for the animal.

Just make sure to do it right - go via a charity which can homecheck, don’t find someone online or a friend of a friend.

Rehome, just make sure you find him a good home rather than a rescue where he'll be stuck.

don't feel guilty you're being a really good owner by putting his needs and wants first.

Oh this sounds so difficult for you all ways round. I think in the circumstances it might be kinder to rehome him. It would break my heart but he doesn’t sound happy and neither do you.
Things have changed drastically since he started living with you, and it sounds like it is having a negative effect on the poor chap - not to mention you trying to juggle everything. You can be really picky with where you let him go to make sure he gets a lovely new place where he can roam free and feel safe. It’s no reflection on you as owners - you are trying to do right by him 💙

I used to be involved with cat rescue and we took in many cats from this type of situation and they went onto find lovely new homes.

I actually disagree with a PP about rehoming directly- especially as your cat is currently stressed it's much better for him to go to a rescue where they can let him calm down, relax, assess his character and match with the best new home. Rehoming directly is much more risky and you won't have the experience rescue volunteers do.

I think you would be doing the right thing if you rehomed him . You have far too much to deal with already ; most of the housekeeping , childcare and special needs requirements fall on your shoulders as your husband is working outside the home .
Having an unhappy cat that defaecates on your children's toys is awful .
(I once nursed a child who died of toxocara plasmosis - it was horrendous .)
I hope that your husband understands the pressures you are under and willingly surrenders the cat .
Wishing you all the best in 2023 x

Regime if you have to but it's a cat and they don't need that much care!
My special needs son hates our dog so it's hard work keeping them both happy and entertained but it's doable.

Rehome, it's in everyone's best interests but particularly the cats. My lovely rescue cat comes from a family home where she was unhappy and now she has a lovely quiet life with me and is doing really well.

You must rehome. It's not in any of your interests especially the cat to keep him. He clearly isnt happy and he could easily live another 10 years of a really great quality of life with someone who has a set up that suits his needs. Do not feel guilty. Sometimes letting an animal go is the best thing for them.

Definitely rehome. And please don't blame yourself in the slightest!

We rehomed our lovely cat in similar circumstances. She was living with a family who had a very boisterous toddler, and another baby on the way - stressed and unhappy. They loved her so much, but wanted to do the best thing for her. She has lived with us for five years now, is the boss of the house, has a nice big garden to play in, and is currently snoozing on a heated throw next to me. I keep in touch with her former family still and they know how loved and happy she is.

Rehome the cat and don't feel guilty. There is no way I could cope with a shitting cat and I don't have nearly as much on my plate as you do.

I'm really struggling with our cat too and I can't trust him with young DD but husband loves the cat so much and we rehomed him from cats protection so we feel so bad to even consider rehoming him again. We also donate monthly to cats protection as the lady we met there was so amazing and ran a project to trap feral cats, neuter and release them as this was the kindest solution to the problem (plus she regularly put food out)
I'm thinking my solution might be a friend I know who is a cat lady through and through and she has taken on a family cat before that was superseded by children. She's in a great location and I believe the cat could be happier there, if even only on a temporary basis like a little cat gap year.
Do you know anyone like that? You could make gentle enquiries? I wouldn't cast any blame or guilt your way whatsoever given your circumstances. Peace OP x