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Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

Original poster

DH wants a cat, the rest of us don't

27 replies

Sadgirlonatrain · 12/10/2022 11:07

I realise I'm amongst cat lovers here, so I don't want to get off on the wrong foot! But there's an argument in our house about getting a cat. DH wants one, and has gone as far as getting a cat flap fitted, but neither me or the kids want one. We do all like cats, especially my youngest, but three of us just don't want one to come and live in our house for however long it would last. My eldest gave various reasons for this last night in a discussion with DH, but DH would not listen to them (as usual) and is determined to get one, despite it being three against one. "It's not a democracy, this issue," he says.......funny that he fervently defends democracy when it suits him....but that's another story.
Do we give in to him and get one and see how it goes, bearing in mind if it doesn't go well it will need rehoming and be disruptive to the cat? Or just say no?

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 12/10/2022 11:10

Knowing the reasons is helpful. If someone had an allergy or is deathly afraid then fine. If it’s just ‘meh we hate the idea of a lovely soft cat curling up next to us on the sofa then just get a pair of cats. Def get a pair though as they will need company of you & DC won’t be interacting with them.

Topseyt123 · 12/10/2022 11:11

Why is it that you are so against having one if you like them?

whoruntheworldgirls · 12/10/2022 11:12

Is he prepared to buy the food/litter etc himself out of his money seeing as it'd be 'his' cat? Is he prepared to do all the feeding/litter changes, pay for a cat sitter/cattery while your on holiday? If he is I'd let him get one on the understanding all of the above is HIS responsibility and his alone.
Also if possible keep the cat out of the kitchen unless you can train it not to go on the worktops, i've never succeeded training mine so when i moved the kitchen was off limits to the cat
I have a cat who i love but honestly after 16 years of this it can get a bit tiring.

NoSquirrels · 12/10/2022 11:12

What are the reasons you all don’t want one?

Unless it’s allergies, or your DH not generally taking responsibility for things he wants or difficult stuff, then I’d say a cat is unlikely to disrupt anyone’s lives much - if they don’t want much to do with the cat it’ll probably be quite happy!

Heronatemygoldfish · 12/10/2022 11:16

Could you not foster? Shelters are crying out for people who can take a cat or two on a short-term basis. That way he gets a cat for a while. But not long-term. And you can all see how you'd get on...

Yarnosaur · 12/10/2022 11:16

No rescue or decent breeder would rehome to him without them and the cat meeting you all.

His only option to get a cat without checks is to buy off someone dodgy, which he obviously wouldn't do if he gives a shit about cat welfare.

Bramshott · 12/10/2022 11:17

Have you posted this before and you and your DH are soon to be separating?

ItsStardustBackAgain · 12/10/2022 11:22

V weird DH saying the rest of you have no choice. (Especially as it usually ends up being the mum who does the work with pets.) Tell him it may not be a democracy, but it isn’t a dictatorship either, it’s a marriage and he doesn’t get to just lay down the law. What if you announced that you were remortgaging the house and taking the kids out of school to take the family on a year long travelling holiday? Would you be entitled to simply announce “this is not a democracy” and book the trip?!

I adore cats, but I acknowledge that they’re expensive and a loooong commitment. Vaccines, check ups, cat fight injuries, scratching furniture, bringing in then releasing injured mice, vomiting up hair balls, the constant putting down food and washing up the bowls, and the eventual trauma and grief when they die… I put up with all that for the feeling of total peace and love my cat gives me when we snuggle up in the evenings. But I totally get why someone wouldn’t 😬

Original poster
Sadgirlonatrain · 12/10/2022 11:26

Aha @Bramshott I was just about to add that to the story...... Yes, a very big side issue to this is that I want DH to leave eventually. He wants to get this cat to improve his mental health, I want him to leave to improve mine. But if I can't even summon the strength to say no to a pet, how will I ever get to the main point? Anyway, I just think now is not the time to get a cat. The kids have their reasons for not wanting one, I'm not that bothered either way, but I don't want the kids to have a pet imposed on them. But as I say, it's all part of a much bigger issue. To me it would be the equivalent of him suggesting we have another baby to paper over the cracks...

OP posts:
ItsStardustBackAgain · 12/10/2022 11:27

Yarnosaur · 12/10/2022 11:16

No rescue or decent breeder would rehome to him without them and the cat meeting you all.

His only option to get a cat without checks is to buy off someone dodgy, which he obviously wouldn't do if he gives a shit about cat welfare.

This is such a myth, I’m so bored of hearing that pets must either come from a rescue centre or from an unethical breeder who treats their pets badly. Sure terrible breeders exist, but so do nice families selling kittens.

Loads of people I know allowed their female cat to bear one litter, so she got to experience motherhood (and the family got to bring up kittens, which is epic fun), before neutering the cat. Those kittens got sold, not to make a profit, but to ensure the buyers were genuine and prepared to spend money on their cat - vet bills get expensive!

And those families didn’t do home checks or ‘meet the whole family.” Anymore than you’ll get to meet all of the school staff who get to teach your child.

ItsStardustBackAgain · 12/10/2022 11:28

Heronatemygoldfish · 12/10/2022 11:16

Could you not foster? Shelters are crying out for people who can take a cat or two on a short-term basis. That way he gets a cat for a while. But not long-term. And you can all see how you'd get on...

Foster cats usually arrive with fleas, I do not think that would improve OP’s mental health or her marriage 😬

Original poster
Sadgirlonatrain · 12/10/2022 11:30

Thank you @ItsStardustBackAgain those are pretty much all of the reasons the kids have for not wanting a cat. We used to have one of the neighbours cats popping in occasionally for a stroke, and it would eat the leftover cereal milk if bowls had been left out from the morning, have a scratch of the stair carpet, all of which was fun for five minutes, but both kids would be relieved when it went home. Any pet is a massive commitment.

OP posts:
TheOGCCL · 12/10/2022 11:51

There are stories where someone already has a cat and then a new partner moves in and it’s understood that the cat is in no way their responsibility, so this would have to be clear here. I love cats but they are little mischiefs one way or another.

Sometimes the new partner ends up falling for the cat. I’ve known cat haters who come round. Cats can be very beguiling.

One thing he could consider is a more mature cat so it isn’t so full on. Many cats 5 years plus just sleep or sit around.

AnotherEmma · 12/10/2022 11:53

As I said on your other thread, you should forget about a cat and get on with the divorce.

He doesn't listen to you anyway, so mumsnet threads about the cat are a bit pointless.

Wombat27A · 12/10/2022 11:55

I used to clean for a lady with a cat. It's like my shedding dog, a lot of dust & hair. I love animals but so much work.

Leave your DH.

IHateWasps · 12/10/2022 11:56

Loads of people I know allowed their female cat to bear one litter, so she got to experience motherhood

And those people are idiots. Cats do not need to experience motherhood. It doesn't benefit them in any respect or the kittens that are unnecessarily being brought into the world. Cats breed because of instinct and their biology telling them to not because they long for the experience of raising kittens.

There is absolutely no need for "nice families" to breed their cats. There's more than enough unwanted cats out there, not to mention the risks to the mother.

IHateWasps · 12/10/2022 11:57

I wouldn't get a cat in your circumstances either.

Bramshott · 12/10/2022 14:12

If you want your DH to leave, then that's the main issue. The cat is a distraction. He can get one when he has a new place.

Clarich007 · 12/10/2022 14:32

Hi OP.
Your marriage problems aside, absolutely do not get a cat unless you are all on board with it. It's not fair to the cat or your family.
I know this from bitter experience, 6 years on, we are still struggling on with this cat.

Dogtooth · 12/10/2022 14:45

Terrible idea, if DH is going to leave then having a cat will cut down his choice of flats drastically, as well as costing a fair bit when money is tight. You'd likely be left with a cat you don't want, though that might be a fair swap for a husband you don't want!

Can he volunteer at a rescue centre or be a cat sitter or something?

Yarnosaur · 12/10/2022 16:14

ItsStardustBackAgain · 12/10/2022 11:27

This is such a myth, I’m so bored of hearing that pets must either come from a rescue centre or from an unethical breeder who treats their pets badly. Sure terrible breeders exist, but so do nice families selling kittens.

Loads of people I know allowed their female cat to bear one litter, so she got to experience motherhood (and the family got to bring up kittens, which is epic fun), before neutering the cat. Those kittens got sold, not to make a profit, but to ensure the buyers were genuine and prepared to spend money on their cat - vet bills get expensive!

And those families didn’t do home checks or ‘meet the whole family.” Anymore than you’ll get to meet all of the school staff who get to teach your child.

Show quote history

People who care about cat welfare do not let their female cats 'experience motherhood'. The unneutered toms that father those kittens are responsible for a lot of the spread of cat diseases, and the mothers are often very young. Being 'mated' is a horrible experience for a female cat. And not doing proper checks on where those kittens go is lazy and poor practice.

Wolfiefan · 12/10/2022 16:17

Yep. Decent people don’t leave their cats unneutered and then send them out to roam.
You need to hasten the split not argue about a cat.

ErrolTheDragon · 12/10/2022 16:20

"It's not a democracy, this issue,

He's right. But in the wrong direction - when it comes to pet ownership, one vote against (maybe just the adults) should veto it.

Waitingfordecember · 12/10/2022 16:27

I agree that decisions about pet ownership shouldn’t be a democracy (or every family with more children than adults would be screwed!). But your partner seems to think he’s running a dictatorship instead.

That’s not how it should work. Both parents should decide together based on the family’s wants and needs.

Your reasons for saying no don’t even matter that much. You both need to give an enthusiastic yes before you commit to getting a pet.

Echobelly · 12/10/2022 16:35

TBH, I get a dog being something that takes total buy-in from everyone, but I've had cats most of my life and continually since I moved out of my parents' home and find them to be extremely low-stress pets really and not something that dominates your life, certainly if you get an ordinary shorthair mog - if you have a cohabitee who's not that interested, they don't have to get involved.

If DH will do the feeding and care, I sort of understand why he doesn't see why you can't get one seeing as there don't seem to be more concrete issues that 'we're not that into it', but at the same time ultimately it should be the whole household's decision so if everyone else is against it's not really a goer.