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The litter tray

Join our community of cat lovers on the Mumsnet Cat forum for kitten advice and help with cat behaviour.

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Original poster

How to break it to the kids

21 replies

Limpshade · 03/09/2022 09:25

Our lovely old lady cat is being PTS on Tuesday but I am not sure when to broach this with the kids who are 4yo and 5yo?

When I was around the same age, our family cat was PTS by a rural vet at our home and then we had a burial in the garden. Neither are possible for us.

I just can't picture the kids going to school that day knowing their much beloved cat won't be there when they come home. But it doesn't seem right to take them out and make the situation unnecessarily sadder and "bigger". For context, the 5yo is autistic (not sure if relevant)?

All advice welcome.

OP posts:

Toddlerteaplease · 03/09/2022 09:42

Tell them the truth. Maybe get a copy of goodbye mog. It's a lovely book. Would it be better to wait to tell them
After it's done?

Toddlerteaplease · 03/09/2022 09:44

Children are far more resilient than we give them credit for.

AnnaMagnani · 03/09/2022 09:49

Just do it. Some warning shots that cat is very ill and may die very soon over the weekend then tell them on Tuesday.

They go to school as normal - not doing that sends a message that they should be sitting at home crying all day.

Sadly pets (and people) dying is part of life. It's important you model how to deal with it.

Original poster

Limpshade · 03/09/2022 09:52

Thanks all. Yes @AnnaMagnani I am so aware of this and really want to get it "right". I feel like I know how to explain it to them (technical terms they will understand) but I'm not sure when to do it. Monday night? Tuesday morning? When it's already done? I feel like they need a chance to say goodbye but then it means sending them off to school possibly in bits

OP posts:

Original poster

Limpshade · 03/09/2022 09:55

They do know she has been to the vets already this week and we talk a lot about how she is old, and this is why she's a bit slow, and why they need to be extra gentle with her. So I have already started to prepare them a bit. Just when to "pull the pin?"

OP posts:

HeadAboveTheParapet · 03/09/2022 10:58

After school.

My kids are much older and had already experience death( grandparents, friends & pets).

I had to put one of our kittens to sleep in the middle of the night after a saddle thrombosis. I didn't tell them anything until they came home from school late that day.

If they know the cat is old and sick then wait until after school

LovelyDaaling · 03/09/2022 18:52

Tell them after school. There's nothing to be gained by telling them in advance. I can almost guarantee that you'll be more upset than them.
Just say he went to sleep and didn't wake up

MeredithGreen · 03/09/2022 19:00

Let them know the day before that he is very I’ll and not expected to live long. Then after school tell them he is dead and answer any questions that throws up. They may be too young to understand or relate it to people. You could opt to bury the cat in the garden which might help them understand.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/09/2022 19:04

Our 17yo cat was PTS when DS was 5 and DD was nearly 3

We said she was ill and old and not going to get better
Didn't say about going to sleep in case my DC were scared about this happening to them.
Didn't say anything about needles (DD is phobic ) or the Vet 'killing' her just that I had to take her and she was dead and it was peaceful.

They dug a hole in the garden with DH , DS gave her a cotton bag to be buried in
They saw her body so they knew she was bloodied or broken , but a bit rigored .

DeanStockwelll · 03/09/2022 19:11

I agree with others over the weekend explain dcat is old and poorly and may die soon .
Then tell them on Tuesday afternoon after school.
Telling before they go to school means may be be upset at school and very distracted , keeping them home from school on the day will mean you have to deal with both your grief is their grief and actually having a cat put to sleep.
Personally I would be very careful about using the words ' put to sleep' it may make them worried about going to sleep themselves and it may make them believe that your cat will wake back up again.

unvillage · 03/09/2022 19:21

LovelyDaaling · 03/09/2022 18:52

Tell them after school. There's nothing to be gained by telling them in advance. I can almost guarantee that you'll be more upset than them.
Just say he went to sleep and didn't wake up

Please never ever describe death to small children as "going to sleep".

But agreed, warn them a day or two beforehand that kitty is very poorly and will die soon. Answer any questions they have as honestly as you can, let them pamper her (as much as appropriate for her obviously!). Then after school on Tuesday tell them that she has died. Sorry for your loss :(

Original poster

Limpshade · 03/09/2022 20:07

Oh yes, I won't use the word "sleep", that will particularly confuse ASD DD. We are quite technical in this house: "her heart stopped beating", etc. Thanks everyone, this is really helpful

OP posts:

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/09/2022 22:20

They saw her body so they knew she was bloodied or broken

She was not bloodied or broken ( flipping trucker hands)

Original poster

Limpshade · 03/09/2022 22:36

That's OK @70isaLimitNotaTarget I understood! Unfortunately as I said, burial is not an option for us (as we rent). We have been offered a scatter box by the vet.

OP posts:

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 22:47

LovelyDaaling · 03/09/2022 18:52

Tell them after school. There's nothing to be gained by telling them in advance. I can almost guarantee that you'll be more upset than them.
Just say he went to sleep and didn't wake up

Noooo. Please never do this. You'll give them an awful fear of going to sleep!

LovelyDaaling · 03/09/2022 22:51

Good point, Unvillage. Sorry, I should have thought of that.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/09/2022 22:51

When our cat was euthanised she was injected in the kidney , she was always fine with ingections though a but judgey at the Vet .
She was facing me , and put her paw out then sort of rolled ( controlled by the vet) onto her side . Not a single noise

Even my guinea-pigs that I had to have euthanised didn't squeak (and guinea pigs really don't like needles ) . One of my sows peed on the vets table as a parting shot ! My DD was with me each time and e always took a cagemate so the last thing they saw was anther guinea .(Course I wept snotty mess tears !)

Euthanasia means "good death" which is really the best thing you can do for your pet

There's always "better a week to early than a day too late"
And "the pain you feel is so that they don't have to"

Toddlerteaplease · 04/09/2022 13:06

My cat has a beautiful dignified death when she was put to sleep. I took a lot of comfort from that. I knew it was coming and had planned what I wanted to happen and it did.

HeadAboveTheParapet · 04/09/2022 21:41

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/09/2022 22:51

Euthanasia means "good death" which is really the best thing you can do for your pet

There's always "better a week to early than a day too late"
And "the pain you feel is so that they don't have to"

I'd forgotten that my eldest was with me when we had one cat euthanised. DC was probably 7. She stroked him while it was done, gave him a cuddle and we let her keep his collar.

purpleme12 · 04/09/2022 21:49

My child was 5 when our dog was put down. She was poorly for a while and we knew when it was going to happen so I said her before school the vets going to come and we don't know what's going to happen if she's going to get better or not so give her a cuddle before you go. And she made her some pictures too. That was how we did it. Then we told her she'd died after school.

As time went on, I think we must have discussed in more detail about what happened and why but not at that point.

When she was 6 she came with me to have my bunny put down.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 04/09/2022 23:27

I'm sorry about your cat :( our dogs were both PTS within a few weeks of each other when my children were about the age of yours and on school days. We told them before and it was horrible seeing them say goodbye but I think it was the right decision for us and them to be prepared.

We have now got cats and they're delighted to have pets again but still miss the dogs.

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