How do I make him love me?

JustSortYoursefOut · 14/08/2022 20:01

Some cats take ages until they feel relaxed/safe enough to sit on someone. You haven't had him that long. Some cats are naturally aloof. My boy (had him 11 years, he was about 7 and a stray when we got him) took years before he sat on me - he used to sit on my husband and our sons though. Now, he loves a cuddle.

Give him a bit longer to adjust to you. You could always tempt him with Catnip - most cats love it.

unvillage · 14/08/2022 20:33

It might just be his personality, some cats just don't need much of a fuss. Does he play actively with you with wand toys? That might be how he shows his affection. He's still only a baby - how much attention are you giving him daily? Are you around most of the time, or is he alone during the day while you work?

Original poster

IconicKitty · 14/08/2022 20:35

I usually work from home so I'm with him 99% of the time.

OP posts:

BlueKaftan · 14/08/2022 20:37

Dreamies
Play
Talking to him in a soothing voice
Dreamies

BlueKaftan · 14/08/2022 20:38

And give him more time

hilariousnamehere · 14/08/2022 20:46

One of mine was like this when she and her sister came to me at nearly six months old - but after about six months here she would let me stroke her for a few seconds at a time rather than hissing from behind the sofa 😂 she generally likes to sit near me but not necessarily on me, and is always careful to be out of touching distance, and that tends to mean I feel honoured when she does choose to sit in the same room near me.

Once she allowed me occasional strokes, she would also sometimes sit on my lap when I was on the loo, weirdly, but otherwise was a strict look but not touch kitten for a good six months to a year - and then she started to relax and show more affection gradually. She was also happier about my presence once she was allowed out although I have no idea why - wearing herself out running round outside so she was more chilled in the evening maybe?

She has relaxed more over time, and nine years in she comes and demands cuddles in bed most mornings (not when it's this hot, admittedly!).

So I'd say give it a bit of time - not suggesting you will be waiting nine years, but ten weeks is still very early days - he'll come round!

Is your boy neutered? That might also help if not :)

And in case it helps, even the other one of mine, who was right up in my face purring the first time we met, and who sleeps in my bed and would sleep on my face if I let her, won't come near me atm because it's too fecking hot 😂

Leafy3 · 14/08/2022 20:48

It's also been pretty hot!

I'm struggling to force* fuss on my usually very cuddly cat!

*don't take this too literally

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 14/08/2022 20:51

We have three in total and they're all very very different in terms of what affection they'll accept and ask for.

Girl cat is mega tolerant and loves everyone from the second she meets them - climbing on laps and demanding cuddles.

Fat cat is a bit more selective - likes women and children but took him about three years to purr around DH he's w rescue and we think he was abused by a man in his previous home. He loves DH now, but affection has to be on his terms and he will hiss and swipe if he's had enough of you 🤣

Little cat is shy and doesn't like strangers or new people - he'll run and hide on top of the fridge. It took him two years to come and say to my mum and she visits almost weekly! She was so chuffed last week when he came for a head scratch 🥰 he does like cuddles but he won't initiate them often, you have to call him over and start fussing him and then it's like he thinks "oh, that's nice actually" and he'll flop on you and refuse to move! He's two now but it took him ages to learn to love fuss even though we've had him since he was 12 weeks.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/08/2022 20:57

He’s still a kitten, the worlds far too exciting to sit around having fuss. It’s very unlikely he doesn’t like you.

HMSSophia · 14/08/2022 21:05

It's not that he doesn't like you - I dare say he absolutely loves you. But he's working through some mega tough shoot, he's trusting you'll be stable and loving no matter what while he works out what's good bad and wetnhorrible in his world. Give the boy time.

HMSSophia · 14/08/2022 21:06

Tough shoot? Shit!!

Fortuny · 14/08/2022 21:07

Cats can show affection in very different ways, he may never be a lap cat. Ours isn't and I've come to terms with that. He shows it in other ways which are just as rewarding; he always wants to be near us, gives us leg rubs, is very talkative and now loves a fuss on his terms - ear rubs are a daily essential.

Respect his boundaries and don't push him and you'll start to notice the unconventional ways he shows he cares. You also might find he's more snuggly once winter sets in and your body heat benefits him

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 14/08/2022 21:38

Our cats are 4yo (we got them at 1yo)
MaleCat adores my DD , Female Cat loves DH -cuddles , head rubs , Zoom Meeting Bombing for DH
Female likes DS bedroom so tolerates him.

I am the one who trawled the Cat Rescue websites (DH waited patiently till our last elderly guinea pig died , then he was granted his wish of cats . We all wanted the cats , house of four adults, you have to all be on board )
My moment of glory was picking them (we had a Cat Criteria List)
After getting a "Yeah , this'll do , you picked well" look from our new housemates , I was dismissed .
I know my place LitterTrayers . I know my place .

AWOL66 · 14/08/2022 21:44

My 8 year old rescue cat was like this but over the course of a year we bonded more and more and now I look back and can't believe I was even so worried as we've clicked so much.
For a few months he didn't like to be touched at all and was so wary of everyone I felt a bit on edge.

I let him come to me for face rubs rather than going to him to stroke him all the time and I still tell visitors to not stroke him and just let him enjoy their presence by sitting near us.

With some people he now does go up to them for a cheek rub which is adorable and proves they've EARNED his trust. 😻

Now every morning he face nudges me for ages lovingly letting me stroke his fluffy cheeks and chin. He often lies next to me leaning on me as support. He follows me round the house. He never sits on my knee but he lies on me some days if I lie on the sofa and kneads me. We play games each day and bond that way more and more.
I appreciate our routines and have learned how if a cat sits near you in a room that's affection in a way in itself as they want to be around you.

He seems different in many ways to my old cat who I was grieving for as I lost him not long before I got him but now I love him in his own right 100 percent too.
I like his skittishness and the way he runs off galloping and how he's so shy around visitors. I find it really endearing and 'normal' now.
Also I find visitors trying to stroke him all the time really noticeable now - it seems a bit full on at times so I get why he wants space as he doesnt really know them well.
Some cats go up to you even in the street desperate to be stroked but others are more like humans and need time and familiarity.

user1471453601 · 14/08/2022 21:52

Many years ago I had the most unfriendly cat ever. I loved the bones of her, and she would, on occasion, sit on me and purr when I stroked her. When she's had enough, she's bite me and jump off.

Unlike any other cat I've ever had, she would run to, apparently, greet, visitors. No such thing. Cue me screaming at visitors, don't put your hand out. If they did she would bite and dig in with her claws.

Even on the day I had to have her pts, and she was very frail, the vet commented that she was still fiesty.

From This experience, I just think some cats don't take that kindly to people.

I still loved her very much. It just wasn't necessarily receprocated.

SammyScrounge · 14/08/2022 21:55

IconicKitty · 14/08/2022 19:56

I have a 5 month old cat, and I've had him for about 10 weeks. I make a fuss of him, play with him, give him treats and good food. But the only times he ever shows any affection is at 5am when he wants breakfast

I know that's not surprising for a cat, but I've had cats in the past and they usually show some sort of desire to be stroked, sit on laps etc. My cat doesn't seem to love being stroked - he walks away if you try or stands up and sits further away. When he sits in the same room he sits as far away as possible.

It feels a bit sad because I feel like I love him so much but he would rather not be here. Some say he may change as he gets older, and of course I'm not going to give up with him, but wondered if I'm doing something wrong or if he just doesn't like me!

You're taking the cat's behaviour too personally. They like to ease into a relationship and must have things their way. Our cat liked my son best. He would never sit on my lap or curl round my feet purring.
Then my son left home and the cat only had me. No sitting in lap. No curling round feet. He sat on the arm of my chair, purring gently until he lay down along the arm and fell asleep.
Occasionally a lazy pawsneaked over to me and patted my arm.
I felt so privileged.

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 14/08/2022 21:55

My cat is 11 now, in the last few years she's got into a routine of being anti social, but will come see me long enough for a fuss then go back to wherever she parks herself. She's better than she used to be, which is hard to believe, she usedcto surface long enough to ask for a fuss then bite me.
I am largely to blame because when she was a kitten my mental health was shit and I didn't bond with her.
Although she has bonded with my ds and bugs the shit out of him instead.

CSIblonde · 15/08/2022 03:24

My previous rescue was like that. Maybe he's a little timid like mine was . I started using myself as the playground! I'd put her fave toy on my lap & swish it so the play involved getting on my lap then running off with it. Treats only on your lap. Soon, a little paw would pat my arm or she'd get on my lap & nuzzle me for treats or playtime. That progressed to her initiating a brief kissy snuggle before her naps. If you are patient it will happen. Also she massively preferred chin & butt scratches to stroking.

Rheia1983 · 15/08/2022 22:07

Cuddliness may come with time. When I got my little Lily (female cat) at three months, she was very aloof and would walk away when I stroked her. Little by little she grew friendlier.

Now at two years old, she demands cuddles half a dozen times a day, especially if I go to the toilet😃

Her brother, Zorro, on the other hand has been a cuddle bug since day one.

doilookremotelyinterested · 16/08/2022 18:14

One of my cats was distant for the first 11 years! I could pick him up and hold him for 10-20 seconds but he didn't want to cuddle or anything - the claws would come out. Now he'll tolerate being picked up for longer but will actively seek my attention at other times by calling me from upstairs to go and fuss him, and will join me on the bed at night most nights to be stroked. He likes to play chase in the garden (me chasing him) and he'll sit waiting for me on the landing if I go and do the ironing or anything. So give it a few more years 😁