Looking for advice RE cat and our now-lifestyle

[Spreadingtheword]

I’m looking for some advice or reassurance, I’m starting to feel like the world is against us and our cat, a mixture of unavoidable things, and decisions we need to take as a family.

We have a cat, she’s 3, the more gorgeous and friendly pure black cat you’ve ever seen. She’ll wear a plastic teacup as a hat and be ‘tickled’ to death by our toddler before she would even decide to scratch or bite her. She really is a treasure.

However, DD is allergic and it’s become quite apparent, whenever she’s around the cat her eyes get red, she gets snotty and she gets really itchy which leads to horrific bedtimes with screaming and crying from being itchy. We do give her antihistamines occasionally, but long term use isn’t recommended, and we try our best to limit their contact, but how do you tell a toddler she can’t stroke the cat sometimes ect? It’s heartbreaking as she’s smitten with her.

Another point to add is we’re moving from a house where we already had a cat flap installed in the porch, to a house without a porch and we’ve decided that we don’t want to spend all this money on our house being built to cat a hole in the very front door and have a cat flap, so we would be changing her ‘come and go whenever you want’ lifestyle, to come and go when we notice you at the door :(
Also, she has a bad habit of searching out bannister and carpet, she’s had and has stretching pads/posts but she doesn’t use them.. she prefers to use the house 😂 were really eager to try and cut this out in the new house as we don’t want things that aren’t easily and affordable to replace getting ruined. We’re investing every penny into our new family home.

Another point to add - our house is sold, and our new house build is very delayed, this means we’re going to have a period of ‘homelessness’ soon where we will go and live with my dad for a period of time - he has a cat that is not friendly at all, and a cat flap - he 1. Wouldn’t want us to being our cat there around his and 2. If there was a chance they don’t kill each other she may well escape through the cat flap as the other cat needs to use it - and get lost trying to go ‘home’.

This leaves us with very limited, if any options? We can’t afford to board the cat in a cattery - we just can’t afford it and have nothing to cut back on to make it affordable for a few months. My mum has a dog who wouldn’t tolerate the cat too.

Now DP is saying our best option might be to ask the neighbours if they would like to keep her (she’s often round their house asleep on their daughters bed apparently, has done this for years and they love her) - and failing that we may have to rehome her. Given DD is allergic and the cat will essentially become a ‘indoor cat’ in the new house we’re just not sure it’s suitable for us.

It’s a really tough decision because she is so well loved, we just don’t feel like we have many options that suit our needs going forward.

Is there anything we’re missing in terms of what we can do? We’ve never been in this situation before and we feel awful like we’re giving up the cat without a thought. But we have been thinking and we just don’t know if there’s any workarounds.. is there?

Have you tried the wipes that you wipe on the cat to reduce the allergens? They're really effective for many.
Also, quite a few people ARE on antihistamines permanently!

If the neighbours like having her round and are willing to take her on then I think that is a good solution, especially if you could keep in touch and see her sometimes. I wouldn't look to rehome her otherwise. If they don't want her long term, would the neighbours take her on until you have moved, rather than a cattery? If you offered to pay food/expenses?

I think asking the neighbours to keep her sounds like a good solution. It sounds like life would be stressful for her and you when you move. If your neighbours don't want to keep her is there anyone else you know who can offer a forever home?

Sounds like you have to rehome her or ask your neighbours.

Living with a pet will be miserable for your daughter if she is allergic. There are things that can lessen it a little (like the wipes mentioned), but really it's not fair on your daughter to subject her to a childhood of less than optimal health. It really is miserable being allergic to something you can't get away from.

I'm allergic to both of my beloved cats!!!

You have to be ontop of cleaning. Daily hoovering for starters. Keeping things clean really really does make a difference. I notice if I've missed a day.

Don't let the cat sleep in her room at all - ever.

Only you know if you could give your cat away. It would never ever be an option for me, mine are like my babies!

Having said all of that, if your cat is 3 and your child is a toddler (so 2?!) sounds like they're not becoming immune they're getting worse. It might well be kinder to see if your neighbour would like to have her.

I think you may struggle to overcome the situation with your daughter, which is a shame for you and her but it isn't fair to subject her to being uncomfortable, particularly when she's not old enough to express her views and make an informed decision.

The other matters you could have overcome if you'd been prepared to consider the cat's needs at the time you were making decisions. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh OP but I can't ever imagine moving house and not factoring the needs of my cats into the decision

I think asking the neighbour to have your cat sounds like a sensible decision and I hope that they agree. It sounds as though the cat would be happy with them and like someone else said you'd hopefully still get to see them occasionally.

If you can't house the cat for the next several months and your DD is allergic to her, I can't see that you have any option but to do as you suggest - either neighbours or rehome.

I agree that you need to rehome her. However being unwilling to put a cat flap in to a house just because it's new is very odd thinking and you can't be that concerned about her wellbeing that much if that sort of thing comes into the equation. Also flaps don't have to go in doors, they can go very easily in walls and the holes can be filled in again a later date if you're selling for example. And anyway why would you want a cat going out of the front door into the road rather than the back into presumably the garden?

But that's all beside the point really as what with the allergic child and the temporary accommodation I think you have to rehome her, preferably to the neighbours.

I’d ask the neighbours if they want her too.

In terms of the clawing the carpet. My mother in law told me a trick and damn it worked!
We bought some spray catnip stuff. And I spray it on her clawing posts. He now only claws that. No idea why but it works.

Thinking about what is best for the cat and for your DD, rather than how difficult you find it emotionally, it sounds like re-homing, ideally to neighbours, would be best.

Once in new home you can get a new pet that doesn't need a catflap and that your DD is not allergic to.

You can’t help that your daughter is allergic and for that reason I agree with POs that your neighbour is a good option, or rehoming through a reputable rescue (absolutely do not sell her privately).

On the other points, you don’t sound like you actually do love her that much as you haven’t considered her needs at all in looking for a new home, but I guess they are irrelevant.

@Logoplanter

I think you may struggle to overcome the situation with your daughter, which is a shame for you and her but it isn't fair to subject her to being uncomfortable, particularly when she's not old enough to express her views and make an informed decision.

The other matters you could have overcome if you'd been prepared to consider the cat's needs at the time you were making decisions. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh OP but I can't ever imagine moving house and not factoring the needs of my cats into the decision

I think asking the neighbour to have your cat sounds like a sensible decision and I hope that they agree. It sounds as though the cat would be happy with them and like someone else said you'd hopefully still get to see them occasionally.

I agree with this.

Your DD is allergic - that’s the best reason to rehome.

All the rest is lack of planning, or prioritising.

I had two lovely cats that we rescued from a building site. We had them about 5 years and they moved countries with us so we didn’t lack commitment. Unfortunately DS was born and was allergic and becoming increasingly so. It was impacting his breathing. I rehomed. I’m not going to medicate a toddler permanently to keep a cat.

@PrisonerofZeroCovid thank you, yes this is obviously our main concern. I’m not going to dose up my 2 year olds body on antihistamines long term.

We discussed the house when we brought it, that there would be no cat flap; we decided that it wasn’t that big of an issue as DB and SIL have a cat without a cat flap and manage fine however they rescued their cat while living their so it’s all he’s known, I can’t help but feel like I’d be making a huge change to our cats currently very free life to limiting her to waiting around for us to notice she needs to come in or out; especially in winter months when she’s out at night and doesn’t come when called; she’ll be out all night in wet, rain, snow- it just doesn’t seem feasible and I don’t want to wake up won’t day and my cat be dead in the garden from freezing to death (is that possible?)

We couldn’t not move house, we have another child on the way in a small two bedroom house that’s not suitable for us anymore, we need to be closer to work and our options were new builds; it’s not as if we deliberately planned our housing situation to go against the cat to say we don’t love her because we’ve had to prioritise our human lives over her is a bit naff. We’ve been discussing the options for months and it’s not something we’ve taken lightly we just can’t see how it can work without negatively affecting everyone in one way or another.

I believe that when you take an animal into your family, you make a commitment to that animal for life. That doesn't necessarily mean they stay with you forever. I once rehomed a beloved dog to a friend because my life changed and it was best for the dog. It broke my heart, but my commitment was to the dog's wellbeing and the best place for her wasn't with me any more. She lived a long and happy life with my friend. If your family is not the best place for your cat any more you have an obligation to find her a better living situation - hopefully one that is prepared to install a cat flap?

I really don’t understand why you won’t have a cat flap in the back door of your new house? We bought a new back door and paid a relatively small amount extra for it to come with a cat flap fitted. However it sounds like you don’t really want the cat so I would recommend leaving it with the neighbours who actually like her.

Actually my last post was unfair. You are quite justified in rehoming because of your child’s allergies. The rest is irrelevant and doesn’t show you in a good light.

If you want to keep her, you could:

Practise allergy management- previous posters have given tips. Allergy wipes, ensure sure new house has hard floors etc.
Ask the neighbours to look after her temporarily while your new house is finished.
Installing a cat flap in a back door or wall etc. This is not impossible!

However, if you want to rehome her because of your DC’s allergy, you should do so.

All the rest is irrelevant.

If you do ask your neighbours if they’d like to keep her, offer to pay them something for doing you a favour! Contribution to her insurance, or food, or vaccinations/health checks.

If they say no contact a reputable charity.

We don’t have a back door, we have patio doors straight into the living room; I didn’t realise cat flaps could be installed through walls? I thought it had to be a door so this might be something to explore, although we are shared own ship so I’m guessing we would need to ask the housing association if we can have that done to the wall as our paperwork says anything structural needs to be agreed with the housing association. - my DB and SIL were told no but why are in council housing; hopefully owning more than 60% of the house means we get a bit more ‘right’ to do it.

I think we could manage DD’s allergies, DP isn’t so convinced but it is taking a toll with the hysterical screaming and crying when it’s particularly bad and she’s so itchy.

I have emailed cats protection this morning asking for advice. - all in all, keeping her is likely manageable unless the allergies get worse or we can’t overcome them and it’s making DD’s life miserable. At the moment she’s too young to really understand it’s the cat so its not like we can just tell her to stay away from her.

The only thing we’re really quite stuck on is how to manage the house delay. It originally worked out so that we would complete at the same time, and then a very short delay to which we didn’t really think of the cat at the time as we’d already planned to complete and be in when we sold - but now the delay is much bigger, and the ah it’s looking I’m not holding my hopes up for it being ready when they say it will be either.. I just don’t know where she can go; will a cat charity board her for a couple of months cheaper than a private cattery? Is that a thing? There so much for us to consider and digest we’re just constantly back and forth what is or isn’t the best option.

NDN is also a very nurse, so they would be the best option in asking to cat-sit, however is that cheeky? It almost feels less cheeky to ask if they’d like to adopt her than it does to ask them to look after her if we pay them and use them as a cattery

I just don’t know where she can go; will a cat charity board her for a couple of months cheaper than a private cattery? Is that a thing?

Ask your neighbours to look after her for the period you’re homeless.

I really don’t get the point about the cat flap, this is a non issue. Is there no back or side door? No wall? That one just reads like you’re looking for more things to add to your list of reasons. Which you really don’t need to do, because your DD’s allergies are reason enough.

@RobinPenguins I’ve updated, we only have patio doors to rear of house, no side door.. we’re not made of money to have a home that needs three entrance points 😂 I didn’t realise cat flaps could be out in walls - have already said this is something I’d need to discussing with the housing association as we’re shared ownership but if they say yes then it’s definitely an option to consider.

It sounds like you've made up your mind. I'm a bit about choosing housing that isn't suitable for your animals but that's just me. However, on the allergy side - I had to rehome my cats after developing a serious asthmatic reaction to them, and that was with anti-histamines and good management. Sometimes the allergy just gets worse and worse and by the point I rehomed, it was very serious and scary stuff. So I would rehome on that basis.