Preparing to say goodbye

[mrsprefect]

Our darling girl has throat cancer. She had an operation in July but we knew it wasn't curative and now the symptoms have returned and it's time to prepare.
Our DS (4) adores her. Last year we lost our other cat very suddenly, and he has gone through stages of obsession with death ever since. He asks a lot of questions and I find it really hard to answer them when grieving myself so I am trying to be prepared. I think I am prepared for most things, but there is something worrying me.
He has asked before to see videos of what it looks like when someone dies (I said no, that it's not a thing that gets videoed), so I am anticipating that he will ask to see her once I break the news. I guess my question is, would you let a 4 year old see her afterwards? I don't want to traumatise him

So sorry for your loss. It's hard coupled with a young child trying to get their head around life and death! Age 4 as well, they do fixate on things. I probably wouldn't let him see her afterwards. Just say she looks the same as she did when fast asleep.
Children are very adaptable. I imagine he will get used to the situation very quickly and won't feel sad, but his obsession with death is curiousity more than anything.

Really sorry to hear about your little cat. That's very sad. I wouldn't know what to suggest for your DS. I wonder if asking in the bereavement forum might help?

Thank you. I've ordered Goodbye Mog which I had read was good for helping little ones process pet bereavement. Maybe I am overthinking it and he won't even ask but a good idea to be prepared to describe it to him instead. At least I have time to prepare this time.

Sorry for what you are going through. Am sure you are spoiling her rotten for the time she has left.

I think at 4, they are quite good at separating the emotional side from the actual curiosity about what happens, so they can ask about ‘what happens when she dies’ without necessarily connecting that to the sadness of losing and missing her.

I am a vet and I have had varying ages of children present during euthanasia/coming in afterwards to say goodbye to a pet. IME the younger ones have been very unfazed, I have found older children (8ish) seem to find it harder, but obviously it would depend on the individual (we always leave it up to the family so the only children who are present are those where they/their parents have decided that it would be helpful).

An alternative would be getting him involved in the burial / scattering ashes, so focussing less on the death itself but more thinking about returning the body to the earth - a bit less potentially upsetting at that age.

Very and it's so hard to make that decision even though you know deep down it's the right one .

My DC were 3 and 5.5 when our elderly cat (she was 17) was euthanised .I took her to the Vet .
DH and DC dug a hole . DS gave the cat his camolflague cotton bag ( he didn't want her to be just in the ground , naked )

They saw her , she was curled up , peaceful.
How you choose to explain it is really an indidual prefernce .
I didn't say "sleeping" or "injection" because I didn't want them fearing sleep or needles .
Couldnt say "the vet killed her" either !

Are you having her ashes home or ger body ? If you bury her , make sure she cannot get dug up by foxes . That would be more traumatic that her peaceful body !

Spoiled, oh yes. She has lived the life of a queen since July, and will be danced attendance on for as long as I feel that she continues to be happy and comfortable.
With our old cat I forced myself to use the words 'dead' and 'died' to avoid confusion and because I was also worried about a fear of going to sleep. He is always a little worried about vet trips so I will definitely avoid any suggestion that the vet did it 😬 for that reason I think it would be better for him not to be present at the euthanasia, but i do wonder if he might feel comforted by seeing her if she looks peaceful. She will be cremated rather than buried for practical reasons (we don't have a big garden and have resident foxes). However, this is another thing I really struggle to explain to DS, how can I tell him that I plan to burn his beloved cat into ashes???
He noticed that her noisy breathing has returned and told me I would need to take her back to the vet. I tried to plant the first seeds by saying I wasn't sure they could fix it this time, but the 'why's' that followed quickly got a bit overwhelming

Sorry to hear about your cat. The Blue Cross has some downloadable leaflets about pet bereavement here including suggestions on how to talk to children about the death of a pet

We lost our cat today with this 😕 she was almost 19 and had never been ill. She stopped eating on Thursday and her voice was croaky. The vet found a large tumour in her throat so we had her put to sleep there and then. They did sedate her first and let us stay with her until she fell asleep, it was all very peaceful.

We have just dropped her off at a lovely pet crematorium, which has made it easier as it's like she'll be coming back home x

Could you do this too? The one we used had a lovely room with a basket in to spend time with your pet. We didn't do this but I can see how it would help to say goodbye away from a clinical vet environment. Then maybe he could choose something to bring her home in?

My DD was 4 when QuantumCat (QC) died. We had known it was coming for some time, as she had a variety of age-related conditions that we were managing. Steadily, the managements became less effective, until it was time.

We made sure that DD knew in the lead up that QC was very old, and very ill, and that she wouldn't be here for ever. We had some conversations about death and dying, although not connected directly to DC.

When the time came, I'm took the judgement call not to tell her that QC was being put to sleep. Instead, I made sure she said goodbye to her that morning, and then when she came home from school, I told her that QC had died, though not exactly what had happened. She was very upset, but bounced back very quickly. She still talks very fondly about QC, and is very matter of fact about her dying. Looking back, I'm as happy as I can be about how we handled it. DD would have found knowing in advance much harder, and certainly would not have coped with being present - though of course every child is different.

When our cat #1 was PTS because of cancer my daughter would have been 4 1/2 and a very sensible little thing. She had also experienced my dad dying a few months earlier and like any death in Ireland we had the usual open coffin, tons of people visiting etc and it helped normalise death for her I think. We explained to her what was happening and she insisted that she wanted to be there when the cat was PTS. It was actually lovely to have her there stroking her pal at the very end and I think she found it more comforting than us coming home and telling her that it was all over.

Unfortunately it looks like we might have to go through it all again soon with cat #2 and I'm sure she'll want to be there again if we're allowed (not sure what the covid rules are).

Of course it depends on the individual child but I wouldn't rule out letting him be present if he wants to.

Sorry you're having to go through this, it's very hard

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and advice. She's still doing well, noisy breathing aside, so I won't rush into anything. I've started planting the seeds - DCat is old now, DCat's body is not working as well as it used to etc - and I guess we will see how things go. I'm definitely going to get him to help me make a wee memorial garden for some of our previous pets, and when the time comes her ashes can go there. It's so sad 😞 for those who have also been through it.

We had to have our bunny put to sleep.
My child came with me. She was 5. So not much older
She didn't find it traumatising. We were both sad. We both cried. But I don't regret taking her. It's life 😟