Please help before we have to re-home

[hartof]

I posted previously but only got one reply.

We have a 2 year old male cat and have had him since a kitten he's recently started to go out. He always been very aloof, only loving occasionally and always towards DH never me.

4 weeks ago we got a kitten, another male. We tried to take it slowly with introductions but the kitten kept escaping rooms and big cat would always be there waiting for him. So we let them in the same room supervised, big cat hissed a few times (I had never heard him hiss before) so we kept them separate mostly until about 10 days ago when we just thought we can't keep this up. There were fights but no yelping or growling and I've read that's a good thing as it's play fighting?

Big cat (BC) comes in and the kitten is so happy to see him he jumps up at him and BC sees this as the start of a fight. This week BC seems down he has growled at me a couple of times and this morning swiped at DHs nose - this is not unusual for him as he has scratched all of our faces at some point he likes to be left alone.

DH says kitten is a mistake, I don't want to rehome him 😢 he's so lovely very loving and cuddly things BC never has been. He's very needy follows us everywhere I couldn't cope with letting him go. At night kitten is in a room away from BC so he has his own space and has the whole house to
Himself as he always did before kitten arrived.

We've had feliway friends the whole time, before that we were using normal feliway for BC with some issues he was having. They will both sleep next to each other so to me that seems a good sign that they can trust each other? Kitten is booked in for neutering in 4 weeks when he is old enough so I was hoping that would change their dynamic.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't know where to turn when I speak to others they just say leave them to it they'll work it out. But BC seems sad and I hate that, but I don't know if it's just the change in him from going out as opposed to being in the house all day when he used to be playful. I've added pictures

I wanted to add, I know they may never be best friends but I just want BC to be happy and the fighting to stop. I don't know if to plug in the original feliway to see if it helps him.

BC might be a bit jealous that your DH is giving attention to LC.

Ours have managed to form a truce and some of our cats are more friendly with eachother than others (we have five, all rescues of different ages).

Once BC gets used to the kit he’ll be fine. Our older cats do occasionally hiss and growl and swipe at the kits when they get too boisterous and don’t leave them alone. But our kits immediately lie down in a submissive gesture.

I also tend to treat the older cats first then the kittens to show the older cats they’re still first. Seems to mollify the older ones and the kits don’t care.

Sorry to just repeat what others have said but I think you have to give it time. Reading the thread title I thought you were going to say the cats constantly fought very viciously and BC was trying to kill the kitten. A couple of play fights and BC seeming down? But they have quiet times and sit/sleep near each other. That's totally fine. They'll be ignoring each other in no time.

@frazzledasarock

BC might be a bit jealous that your DH is giving attention to LC.

Ours have managed to form a truce and some of our cats are more friendly with eachother than others (we have five, all rescues of different ages).

Once BC gets used to the kit he’ll be fine. Our older cats do occasionally hiss and growl and swipe at the kits when they get too boisterous and don’t leave them alone. But our kits immediately lie down in a submissive gesture.

I also tend to treat the older cats first then the kittens to show the older cats they’re still first. Seems to mollify the older ones and the kits don’t care.

DH is very careful not to show the kitten affection in front of BC but the kitten has a habit of just climbing onto whoever he wants attention from. We joke that the kitten is my cat as dh has BC's affection.

We always feed bc first but he's not very good orientated whereas the kitten will eat all his food as well as his own and then more! We've been sure to give bc his special treats that we'd not give to the kitten.

I feel it's going well but dh keeps fretting over BCs behaviour. Thanks for replying.

@FlyNow

Sorry to just repeat what others have said but I think you have to give it time. Reading the thread title I thought you were going to say the cats constantly fought very viciously and BC was trying to kill the kitten. A couple of play fights and BC seeming down? But they have quiet times and sit/sleep near each other. That's totally fine. They'll be ignoring each other in no time.

No not vicious fights I think it was scary at first as kitten is small and BC is literally a big cat! But he's never been aggressive in his life so I felt like it would be okay to being a new cat in.

I have reassured DH that them sleeping by each other is a good sign.

I tend to put the BC's food aside as he gives food a little nibble then wanders off then comes back, and the kits are like gannets, eat heir food, and any leftovers.

So if BC wanders off, I put his bowl out of reach then I go find him and coax him to come and eat, he likes being fussed.

We also keep dry food down at all times and fresh water. So nobody starves.

But it sounds like they're rubbing along fine.

You might find if you get rid of the kit the BC misses the kit and starts looking for him and moping around.

Cat's do enjoy a bit of company.

Another idea could be to let kitten into the room and immediately give older cat a treat. Positive association.
Lots of beds and 3 litter trays at least so they don't have to share.

B&M do brilliant cat toys with feathers on a clear line, cats love them. Perhaps you and your DH could have one each end at the opposite ends of the room and let them chase together.

This sounds perfectly fine to me. It's normal for there to be a few minor spats, but a bit of hissing and cuffing is nothing to worry about.
Always keep an eye on them when they're together and I have always endured my cats sleep in seperate rooms until they are used to each other.
4 weeks is really early days. My latest kittens took several months for the relationship with the resident cat to settle. They're not going to be pals, but sleeping alongside or in the same room is a good sign.
If I were you I would not consider rehoming based on what you have said. Keep using the Feliway, have you scent swapped? Literally just stroke one cat and then the other or do it with a cloth. Cats recognise 'friends' by scent and reapply it to people they like (head bumps) so if the kitten smells of the BC he's more likely to accept him.

If they aren't getting into physical scraps and tolerate sleeping by each other I'd say you've just got to give it time. You've introduced something new into his domain so he's going to be a bit down for a while. He'll come around in the end. One of our older cats still hisses occasionally at the "new comer" 5 years later if he gets in his space

Are your two cats fed side by side OP? Although cats will often happily eat together, they prefer to eat alone ideally and this is especially so when a cat is feeling a bit stressed, such as your older cat. So it might be worth experimenting with putting their food out on different sides of the room or even set up a feeding area for each cat in separate rooms temporarily.
Also, once the kitten has been neutered and starts going outside, the relationship between the two cats will change again a bit, so maybe your older cat will perk up then. It sounds like he's doing really well for a cat that has spent the first two years on his own, it's been a big change for him. As others have said, it will take time.

I fed my cat upstairs and the kittens downstairs for a few months to give my older cat a break from being boggled at by nosy kittens!

I've introduced a kitten to two older cats and then dogs to the cats, then a puppy to the dogs after the cats all died.

The easiest was the puppy, anything involving the cats took ages. Months and months. Kittens are annoying and will get swiped.
It will probably settle down but it will take time and you need to be patient. Obviously if big cat is showing signs of real distress then speak to your vet but grumpy sounds normal for cats. They're all arseholes aren't they? 😄

The is for all the replies.

I know we need to give it more time, I know they're doing okay it's DH! He's very negative about it and that's what's getting me worked up.

They're not fed side by side they are separate but keeping them away from each other's food has been hard work. They are both on dry food only and tend to graze on it all day so it's difficult. I did start putting BCs bowls on top of the fridge as he sometimes gets up there and I thought it would be better than the kitten getting it. But he wouldn't eat up there.

We did scent swapping in the earlier days, we've still got the feliway plugged in.

This is going to sound mental to some people but I think we've seen BC as a baby substitute (we have a DD 13 but couldn't have anymore) and DH is really worried about pushing BC nose out. If he's ever out longer than usual, as he's in and out all day, we do tend to worry and dh will think he's run away because of the kitten 🙈 I won't be re-homing the kitten I'm too attached already. I just needed reassurance that things are going okay.

You could always put Bc on zylkene for a month. Bc does look a little highly strung in that pic.

It’s a bit like your dh coming home with another woman because he loves living with you so much.

I did wonder if this post was more about handling DH's than about handling cats

@Fluffycloudland77

You could always put Bc on zylkene for a month. Bc does look a little highly strung in that pic.

It’s a bit like your dh coming home with another woman because he loves living with you so much.

I think that's just his face he always looks like that 😂

I was told if there's no blood or screaming, then it's play fighting and not serious (rather like with kids I think! ).

LC jumping up on BC is his invitation to play, and if BC didn't want to he'd just not engage. If he really hated him, then damage would have been done before now and/or LC would be scared of him. As it is, BC is indulging LC by wrestling with him - my very bonded pair do wrestling a fair bit & they are about 6 now so well past the kitten stage.

BC is only 2 himself, so he's still at an age for changing behaviors a bit e.g. more confident about going out for longer, needing the comfort of being near his people a bit less than before.

Give them time

I had two sisters who got along ok, but my mum wanted her own kitten.

Despite the two living together like they did, they were not impressed with the new arrival.

A lot of hissing and swearing but no all our fights. They eventually worked out their issues and tolerated each other.