DS scared of new cat

[PixieL]

Looking for advice, more on how to help our 9 year old DS but wondered if any fellow cat owners here had been through similar / had any advice.

We lost our 19 year cat in June (which is a whole other thread), we'd had her from when she was about 5 so she's always been around for our DC (DS 9 and DD 6). They were both very fond of her and in her final years she was a bit slower and they knew how to be gentle with her.

We decided to get a new cat as the house didn't feel right without one and at the weekend fostered (with a view to adopt) a just over 1 year old girl. She had been rescued from a hoarder house along with 20 other cats and had just had a litter. Both DC were super excited and we shared pictures and talked about welcoming her (no pre-visits at the moment!).

She arrived on Saturday and my DS9 has been highly anxious ever since. He won't sit at a table and eat if she is in the same room, shits himself in his bedroom and is getting really upset.

She's quite timid and very gentle (with the exception of the mad half hour at night with a catnip mouse!) so although she is different from our old girl, she isn't scatty or erratic in a way that might cause him to be anxious.

My husband and I really want to keep her, but we can't if he cannot cope with her around. We have a really short time to decide whether to adopt. Any advice or similar experiences?

Thank you!

Major typo! SHUTS himself in his bedroom.

Can you get him to talk about what exactly is bothering him? You might have to sit with him and acknowledge his fears.

DD was bothered when we got her kitten a few years ago. She didn't like the unpredictability of the kitten's movements. We spent time reassuring her and teaching her about the cat's body language eg. tail up wants to talk etc. We told if she was afraid of being pounced on or played with, the best thing was to distract the kitten by throwing a toy or playing with her at arm's length with a fishing rod toy.

DD had really wanted the kitten too, but the difference between expectations and reality was quite large. I think she was just overwhelmed. DD and kitten are now best friends. There is hope.

Maybe he's still grieving for your old cat, worries about losing the new cat or feels guilty for liking her. You could start the conversation with him by asking if he thinks new cat is settling in ok and how strange it must feel for her coming to a new house etc and see where that leads.

Depending on how your chat goes, is it possible to give him some responsiblity for her, something fun like choosing a toy he'd think she would like or counting out treats?

Hope you can work it out, you sound a lovely home for her after her sad previous life.

I haven't had the exact experience but my son is 8 and when we said we were getting cats he cried and cried. Which was not the reaction we expected. We worked through it and he sits with the cats and plays with them. My sons worries were about the change in lifestyle - not being able to go away so often etc - not that we do.....but I guess what I'm saying is this could be a very odd fear which is absolutely real to him.
Maybe he is scared of getting close to her and losing her.
Maybe he doesn't know what to do around a kitten.
Maybe he is scared of hurting her by mistake....

Talk and talk to him. See if there is any reason.

I love the idea you take him to buy a toy for the cat.

Reassure him he's still your baby too!! Lol. Male ego and all that...

Thank you all! This is really useful. We’ve tried talking to him but I think he’s struggling to articulate. We’re taking it slowly and not forcing him to engage with her. I love the idea of taking a little bit of responsibility, whether it’s choosing a new toy or a small part of her care. Fingers crossed we see a bit of progress, we need to make a decision on Friday. I don’t expect him to love her by then, but if he’s made some progress that will help.
Thanks!

It took DD about a month to fully relax around her kitten. We had other adult cats at the time and she wasn't bothered by them, just the new cat.

How is the cat around your DS and the rest of the family? Is she interested in him or is she happy to ignore him and come and be friends with the rest of you? If you think you can give her a good home and that he'll come round, I would keep her and ride out the consequences.

I think the only thing that you can do is give it time. Don't force him to be in the company of the cat and vice versa.

DD(7) was so, so excited when we were getting a puppy and then when he arrived she was absolutely terrified of him 😳 We just let her do whatever she wanted, keep away, or see him on her terms. It took a few weeks before they both got used to each other, but now a year on he is almost like her own dog, they absolutely adore each other, it will be fine.