My daughter hates my cat and my cat is stressed, please help!

[mistymoon7]

I wasn't sure where to put this tbh but I think I need to appeal to cat lovers first and foremost.

My daughter is 6 and is high functioning autistic. She had grown up mainly ignoring my cat but occasionally being quite sweet with him. When she was around three or four she started to get jealous if he was on my lap and she would plonk herself in it. That I could live with and I just saved the cat cuddles for when she wasn't around, but since around the time of lockdown she has been increasingly hostile towards him. He is a very loving and sociable cat but she constantly shouts at him, shooes him off with cushions and tries to shut him out of the living room where she tends to base herself. This results in me telling her off and opening the door so he can come back in but then she wails and whines and the cycle continues over and over. Her main issue is with him licking which for some bizarre reason she finds utterly unbearable even though it never used to bother her. I have noticed he is licking more than ever which I'm certain is a stress reaction as he has been checked out by the vet. So you see it's set up a vicious cycle.

During lockdown I managed to curb my daughters behaviour temporarily by introducing a sticker chart which worked really well for a few weeks but then for some reason it stopped working and she is back to her hostile behaviour again. She now even wakes him up when he is sleeping and takes issue to the fact that he has a water fountain and she wants one and he has a scratching post and she doesn't have one, when I remind her that she's not a cat she says "yes I am!" This is the level of logic I'm dealing with. It's causing constant battles every single day and it's wearing me out. I have tried talking to her about this when she is calm but all she tells me is that she just doesn't like him.

It makes no sense. He is the most loving and affectionate cat you are ever likely to meet and he has never once hurt her. She adores my sister's cat and always wants to stroke cats she sees in the street so it not about cats in general.

There have been times I've been so worn down by it all I have considered trying to re-home my cat, but the thought of it makes me tear up, I just couldn't bare it, I love him too much!

Hoping someone can offer me some sensible advice as I'm all out of ideas.

I think you're asking for trouble here - eventually your daughter is going to push the cat too far and one or both of them will end up getting hurt. The cat is already stressed and unhappy, the kind thing to do would be to find it somewhere peaceful to live where it can get the attention and affection it deserves without threat or stress.

@Sayitagainwhydontyou

I think you're asking for trouble here - eventually your daughter is going to push the cat too far and one or both of them will end up getting hurt. The cat is already stressed and unhappy, the kind thing to do would be to find it somewhere peaceful to live where it can get the attention and affection it deserves without threat or stress.

I agree. Your job is to keep both of them safe and happy. I don’t think that’s possible in the same house.

The noise of a cat licking is fairly loud and not pleasant. Maybe its a sensory overload issue for her.

Is she feeling jealous and maybe feels that the cat gets more time and affection. Its not fair on a cat to feel that level of stress so it over grooms. Could your sister look after your cat if it gets on well with hers. I would look at rehoming pussycat and meanwhile have kitty sleep in your room with strict no access to dd. Can dd say why she doesnt like him.

I think it is possible to have two creatures in the same house who don't get on - i can do it with my dog and my cat.
They both have clearly defined areas and we manage them to make sure they don't interact, I have time with the cat on her own and she has quiet space.Obviously it's different with your DD, and my cat by nature is shy and retiring anyway, but is it possible to implement a routine with your cat that limits contact with your DD?
Food & water in a different room she doesn't go into, distracting activities for your DD when the cat is there? Keep the cat out of the living room and create him his own safe refuge elsewhere?
For his stress, potentially get something like Feliway plugins?
And can you reach an agreement with DD about what is cat's space where she mustn't approach him - your bedroom for example?

Sadly i have to agree with the pps above. Stress in cats can lead to health problems and pusscat is already exhibiting signs of stress.

It sounds like your dd is jealous of the cat and having no experience of autism i cant guess how you might combat that. It almost sounds like sibling rivalry.

One idea i have is could you get your dd to make a scratching post/cat tree for him and maybe something similar for herself with lots of tactile stuff on it? You could do it together.

I cant help but wonder how your dd would feel.if you did rehome the cat? She may well love him but struggles with expressing it. She might be jealous because the cat prefers you to her iyswim, so rather than try to gain his affection she pushes himaway.

Can you involve her in feeding him or would she not like that?

As i say i have no experience of autism but i work with cats and the dynamic of the human feline relatio ship fascinates me.

My one worry after reading ur post is that the cat will leave with nowhere to go. They could end up in a shed somewhere. This has happened to someone I know and it was heart breaking.

I have a cat and this would break my heart to but I do feel it would be best to return home before u get to the point the cat leaves on its own accord.

@mistymoon7 as dd will be going back to school shortly, that may relieve some pressure. Does she have any support in school? If so, could they do some work with her around cats and maybe create (or support you in creating) a social story about cats, their habits and behaviours?

I have a 15 year old cat and 13 year old HFA DS though he's always been gentle or afraid of the cat. He did spend many years saying he was a dog.

It sounds like your DD is very jealous of the cat. I'm no expert on this but ASD kids are slow to understand impact on others so I would maybe let her pretend to be a cat and role play. Ask her when she is the cat if its OK if you shut her out of the room as you find cats annoying, is it OK if you throw cushions at her, is it OK if you shout at her. Or would she prefer it if you got her some cat food, cuddled her etc. Hopefully she will then think about things from the cats point of view and realise her behaviour isn't kind.

I would also try and involve her in getting things for the cat or maybe get the cat to send her little presents. Or maybe get her a camera and ask if she can take nice photos of the cat and praise any positive interaction.

If she scares the cat I would point it out to her. Explain he licks as he's anxious and that you need to make him less anxious by being really nice to him. Ultimately if things don't improve I would rehome the cat but it maybe worth saying to her that the cat is sad and we need to find him a happy home before you do it as underneath she may love the cat. Hopefully the return to school will give the cat a break.