Will I ever love this cat in the same way?

[Fluffle55]

Hi all,
In October 2018 we adopted a kitten, our first ever pet. My husband is an animal lover and after we got our cat I finally understood what everyone was on about. He was the most beautiful and affection cat. My Mum died very suddenly in June of 2019 and he would come and find me whenever I was sobbing and rub my face with his, he just knew I needed some comfort. Then in October 2019, we got new neighbours and their dog spooked him, he was knocked over and killed. On top of my Mum, it was devastating for us all. So, in November (while taking our cats things to Cats Protection) we left with another cat. He had been there since he was a kitten and was five months old at the time. He is a real character, clumsy, funny and a bit mad, has shredded the stairs, but we love him. He's not affectionate, will sit on me for a ten second stroke then hops off. But, I just don't feel the same as I do about my first cat. Is this normal? Will I ever grow to love him the same? Is it maybe all tied in with losing my Mum the same year? I've never had pets before, and I miss the companionship my first cat gave me. Do you love all your pets in the same way?

I'm sorry for your losses - what a terrible time for you.

I have grown to love each of my cats differently. They all have unique personalities and so I love them in different ways. I still miss the cats that are no longer with me, but the 'cat shaped hole' is filled by their successors.

It sounds likely that the loss of your kitten and of your mum, as you say, may be tied up together in your mind. I hope your love for your new cat continues to grow, and while he can't replace the kitten you lost or change your feelings of loss for your mum, he can bring you new happiness in his own unique way.

@Pelleas thanks so much for replying. It's been a rough year.

I think you're right though, grief is hard and it's all mixed up together. My husband says that our first cat was sent to show me how much I could love any animal. And that I have to think of the different way I love the children 😀 Thanks for taking the time to respond, I'm sure I'll love this mental moggie just as much, but in a different way.

It must be so hard having had two bereavements so close together, Fluffle55. Your kitten is still very young. He may become more attuned to how you are feeling as he gets older, a bit like the way some people are naturally empathic but others take a while to learn.

I’m so sorry for your losses. You’ve had an awful time.

I’ve had different relationships will all my cats. There are a couple that are way above the others in how I feel about them, a little like people I suppose, but generally I’m not a huge kitten fan because they don’t tend to be loving and affectionate. Once they settle down, they often have very different personalities to when younger.

It's the same with my dogs, they all have special places, but I'm sorry to say I'm do have my favourites!! Unlike my DC

I think if your new cat was more affectionate like the one you lost, you would love it as much, there is scientific reason behind this, Oxytocin is released when you cuddle an animal, ( the same hormone that is released when a mother cuddles their baby) this is probably why although you love your cat your bonding and love feelings are not as strong. I’m sorry for both your loses it must be very hard.

Thanks everyone, all very reassuring. Honestly, he's a great little cat. I just feel guilty pining for the first one but natural I suppose. Since I posted he has brought me his first "present", a slow worm

I know what you mean, one of mine is very affectionate towards me, I don't have kids so he is basically my baby!

Some cats do take a while to become more affectionate, said cat has basically ignored DP since we adopted him as a kitten but in the last month or so has started to become much more affectionate towards him (e.g. sleeping on him, wanting to be petted). He just took longer to warm up.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I only had one loss of a cat, but several months later we adopted a kitten.

I was at the end of my tether with this kitten and regretted it. The kitten was affectionate to my husband, but not me. She was a real pain too and I missed my boy, who'd gone.

Five years on, the kitten is now a cat who is besotted with my husband, but not me! She catches lots of birds (I'd hoped for a more docile cat) and is a real livewire, but I love her to bits. As much as the cat we lost. I couldn't be without her now. She has her own quirks and unique features.

I've had 5 cats in my life and loved each one differently. Some have been more affectionate than others, but they all hold a place in my heart. I love their differences.

My advice is give it time

I was afraid of cats. Probably because I associated them with scratching.

I acquired my first cat after my neighbours got a dog. They didn’t get on and my neighbour asked me if I’d take her.

She was with me for 22 years. In her life she had a few non serious operations, but at the age of 20 needed teeth out. She came through the operation and it was like her saying I fought to stay with you.
At age 22 we had to have her pts after being diagnosed with stomach cancer.

Cat we have now was my MILs who we promised to take before she died. She’s had a sad start to life, living rough having 1 set of kittens taken from her and pts after the neighbour complained to the council.. Her other set we got rehomed. MIL took her in.

I have to say I do love her but not in the same way.

You're still grieving him. It takes a long time for the pain of loss to lessen, especially when it's so sudden. Combined with the very sad loss of your mum, it's no wonder you're struggling.

In my experience, there's normally one pet that really gets into your heart. I had a cat, Toby, who I absolutely adored and when he died my heart broke. I thought I'd never recover. All of my cats since then have brought so much joy into my life, but they're all so different. I do love them, but there's no doubt that Toby was the cat of my heart.

Take things slowly and everything will be fine

Thank you all so much. I think my first cat has taught me how to love the second one. Hopefully he'll be with us until he's an old man. Thanks again everyone.