Don’t like my cat anymore

[HarrietM87]

I feel like a terrible person so please don’t lay into me!

I have a cat who is 9 years old. Had him since he was a tiny kitten and for the first 7 years of his life absolutely adored him.

When I had my first child 2 years ago my feelings for the cat changed overnight - I was repulsed by him, didn’t want to touch him or have him go anywhere near the baby. I put it down to hormones and thought it would wear off. The really strong feelings have gone (after the first few months) and I now pet him and give him affection, but only out of duty really. 2 years on and I just don’t love him anymore and primarily see him as a nuisance. He tries to eat our food all the time so it’s a constant battle keeping him out of the kitchen and really difficult to manage now with a toddler. I’m pregnant again and worried that it will he even worse with the new baby. I feel awful about it because I used to adore him and it’s obviously not his fault.

I just wondered whether this is normal and if I’ll ever get my feelings back for him. My husband is not a cat fan but my son loves him (though I also have to constantly try to keep them apart as the cat can be unpredictable and not really a baby fan - don’t blame him for this!). I’d feel so terrible to rehome him but wonder if it would be kinder.

@madcatladyforever that’s a lovely offer but sadly my big boy does not love other cats 🤣 - he needs to be an only one I think.

Thanks so much @BEANBAG765, @Lemonpink88 and @blackwellsj for letting me know that I’m not completely alone in this.

People fall out of love with their life partners, who they were deeply in love with and had babies with, so it's not that odd that our feelings can change over time. Sometimes people we love become repulsive to us (see threads on the ick factor). However, in this case, it's a dependent animal who can't care for itself, so I agree with everyone who has suggested perhaps a private rehoming as your best way forward. Or just accept that others in the family such as the children may be getting something out of having a pet and it's just your duty to carry on now.

Hi @HarrietM87, you are not alone. Please don't feel weird. It is more common than you would be lead to believe here.

I had the same feelings about my dog. He's a lovely little fella and I absolutely adored him.... until my Dd came along.
I really considered rehoming him but I knew he'd be traumatised being separated from my husband. Anyway long story short we kept him. My love for him never fully returned to be honest but he's still part of the family. He's included in everything he can be and gets plenty of attention but I feel the burden of having him as I'm home more.. if that makes sense. I'll be heartbroken when he's gone. I feel really shitty that I don't love him as much. But I will not be getting another pet any time soon.

This exact thing has happened to me: the cat has been with us three years, much adored by me, husband and daughter. During this pregnancy/after having baby no. 2 I don’t know what’s happened but it’s like a switch has flipped and although I’m really trying I just resent her presence: I know it’s irrational and I’m really trying my best to overcome it, really hoping I can

Sorry you’ve had such nasty replies. Lots of people would love to have your cat, and I think it’s ok to admit that maybe it’s not the right thing for him to stay with you. That doesn’t make you a bad person - you’re trying to do right by him.

Glad to help @harrietM87 - for what it’s worth I think you’re brave to speak out about this and I’m sure you can work this out and love your cat again :) And there’s nothing wrong or weird with you!

Yep, happened to me as well.
Have 11 year old dog and two kids. My feeling towards the dog was changed as soon as I had my first child. She still gets attention and love from my husband and the kids but I wonder if I ever feel love towards her again. It is truly sad and I really can't explain it. Would never imagine to feel like that towards my 'first' baby.

Your feelings are very unusual but obviously real to you even if a lot of people will think you are an incredibly selfish and callous person.

Hopefully you wont feel the same about your first child if you have another.

Is it poss you are having some sort of psychosis and maybe a conversation with your GP or referral?

I would say if you don’t love your cat, there’s more chance of you ‘missing’ health problems, as you’re no longer invested in it. I’m not saying you’ll do that deliberately, but it is much more likely that you’ll miss stuff and even if the cat lives to a really old age, it’s better to be with someone else, as I don’t think you’re the kind of person that’s going to be able to deal with any health problems that will impact on kitty’s behaviour. If you can rehome it, you might be better doing that as they live a long time. I have two gorgeous old souls aged 19 and 20.

I’m so sick of people treating pets as if they’re a practice run and getting rid off, or worse neglecting them when a child comes along. It’s so bloody depressing. Poor kitty.

Feelings change and we wish they didn’t. But we can’t change that instinctive reaction. Bless you, you must be gutted. As people say: the cat won’t care as long as you are kind to it! Try to view it in a rescue mindset rather than as a member of the family? I.E. you are giving it a home.

@VerityB1 are you one of the people who thinks I’m incredibly callous and selfish by any chance??

A number of other people have said that they felt the same when they had children, so it may be unusual but not unheard of. I’m doing my best.

The psychosis comment has also already been made. I can assure you my mental health is fine but thanks very much for your concern.

I’m a cat owner but some of these answers are a little cray. Don’t take them to heart.

@VerityB1 How about you call your GP yourself! Such negativity is often sign for deep depression!

I could have written your post, my DCat is even the same age! I wouldn't say I'm repulsed by him but he's become such a nuisance. He's always been naughty but me and, especially, DH end up getting completely exasperated with him since we had our DS 8 months ago.

The main problem is that he waits until I'm BFing or DS is napping in the living room to start scratching the playmat, knocking down ornaments or miaowing loudly for more food. I either have to let him get on with it which wakes the baby up or put the baby down to stop him which means he wakes up anyway **

My DH says all he can hear from the home office all day is me telling the cat to stop!

When I was pregnant I remember crying one day, worried I wouldn't love my DS as much as my cat! It's not at all about him being replaced by a baby, as PP said. I was so excited about them growing up together! It's just hard to feel so enamoured by him when he's constantly finding ways to get on our wick!

Btw he gets plenty of attention but, like you, I do now feel like I'm going through the motions and I feel sad about it

A friend of mine rehomed her previously much loved cat after she had a baby.
I don't understand it myself.
But, in the circumstances I would suggest that you contact a rescue after lockdown eases and ask realistically what her chances of being rehomed are. 9 isn't old and your cat could live out it's life in a happier home.

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I’ve already explained that my cat was in no sense a practice run - I had him 7 years before I had a child and had no thought of children at the time. I couldn’t have predicted that my feelings would change and I’m really upset that they have. I’m sure you wouldn’t suggest that no one childless should ever get a pet in case they one day have children and then have this weird shift in feelings.

I also hope I’ve made clear that I haven’t neglected him at all since I had my child. There is zero chance I’d miss health problems.

I think you will regret it if you rehome him, doesnt sound like you hate him and sounds like you are caring for him. I completely adore cats and they are a massive part of my life, I had PND with my first and I had no feelings for anything, including my cats, it was a horrible time. I have recently had my second child and luckily this time no pnd and I still adore my cats so it may be different this time for you

I don't understand it. I've always had cats and loved them just as much after each of my 4 kids were born. BUT I do think it's probably hormonal, something has triggered your brain into thinking the cat is bad for the baby.

Whatever the reason I wouldn't get rid of the cat. Continue to feed it and stroke it etc and teach your child do the same. Be careful he doesn't pick up on your negativity towards the cat. Put on an act if you have to (like my late DM used to with spiders, I had no idea she hated them and I've grown up loving them).

When the new baby is born I'm guessing you will still feel the same but it may wear off after a few years, maybe once the children are past that needy stage.

Don't beat yourself up over feelings you can't control but at the same time look after the cat, there are too many unwanted cats in shelters

The amount of cats who end up in rehoming centres/rescue when a baby comes along is sadly pretty high.
If you have a cat ideally that is a commitment for it's life which I feel very strongly about. However, circumstances can change which obviously has with you.
You should contact some reputable rescues once lockdown is over and they will rehome your cat. Be prepared to wait as most are only taking in emergencies and there is usually a waiting list for admissions. A 9 year old cat won't be PTS unless it's seriously ill. I have seen several cats in their mid teens get rehomed.