Completely heartbroken after losing my old boy

[Sadcatlady2020]

Long time follower, first time poster.

My beautiful 20 year old boy was pts on New Year’s Eve. He had a tumour which took hold really fast and within 3 weeks of being diagnosed he was gone. I was with him at the end and it was peaceful and he didn’t suffer, I know I made the right decision for him.

I’d had him since he was 7 weeks old, he was my absolute best friend. My daughter left home recently so it was just me and the cat. I loved him so much. We had such a close bond. Now I just feel so heartbroken I don’t know what to do with myself. Thankfully my work let me take some emergency leave so I’ve just spent my days at home, mostly just in bed sobbing. I don’t want to go out, I don’t want anything except my cat back. I think it’s only properly hit me today that he’s never coming home. I’ve lost human family members and it’s not hit me so hard.

A friend suggested yesterday that once I feel ready I could think about getting another cat. It was comforting to think that I could do that when the time was right, but the fact is I live near a busy road now, I’m on my own and I work full time. My two (We lost his sister in January to kidney failure) used to go outside before we moved here, but because they were so elderly they weren’t that bothered about going outdoors anymore anyway so while it wasn't ideal at the time (we didn’t move by choice and it was really hard finding a landlord who accepted pets) they very easily adapted to being 100% indoor cats. I’d love to get two kittens one day as I’d really like to ‘start at the beginning’ again, but I’m out all day and they wouldn’t be able to go out and while my house is big and I have lots of toys etc it would just feel cruel. I felt guilty enough leaving my boy on his own all day, even though I know he mainly just slept.

So not only have I lost my babies, I also have to accept I won’t be able to make some new furry friends, and that hurts so deeply. I’ve never not had a cat, since I was a child, and moving house isn’t an option anytime soon. I feel completely lost without my purring fur ball curled up beside me, like I’m in a fog of grief I can’t see an end to. Can anyone who’s been through this offer any advice on how to get through these first few days or weeks?

I have no words to make it easy for you. I’m so very sorry.

It is the most awful pain that a lot of people just don’t understand.

Just know that he was a lucky boy to have been loved so much

I lost mine November 18th & he was my best friend, my little boy & ray of sunshine on the darkest days.

Cry as much as you want to, there’s no timescale on this & he mattered to you.

Long term you can cat proof a garden. I’m going to.

So sorry for your loss. I've been through it and it feels like your heart is torn in two. Cry as much as you need, I still am. They take up a huge part of our lives. I spoke to a counsellor recently and I couldn't even speak I was so upset over losing Esme. Counsellor told me that the reason we feel so much grief after losing a pet is that they give us unconditional love not like humans. Every day you will feel a little less raw. When the time is right open your heart to new fur babies. I'm thinking of you x

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my boy on the 30th of December he was struck by a car outside my house. He was nearly 3, he was also my best friend. I collected his ashes today I'm going to get a necklace to put some in so he is always with me. Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself xxx

That’s true, most humans will piss you off but animals are just all the good bits.

I'm so so sorry.

If you really do want another cat and you feel a house cat is the way to go, there will be so many rescues that need a home.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy 💐

I just want to let you know I have four indoor only cats. People just fly up and down our road. Our house has lots of climbing places and windows to look out of. Our cats are a contented and happy bunch.

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry. I lost my old boy in July age 13 (he was a dog and our absolute treasure). Had him since a baby too. We were all heartbroken but it was the right thing for him. Don’t make any firm decisions and allow yourself time to grieve.
We had him cremated and still have him at the moment as not ready to scatter him anywhere yet. It’s been a comfort having his ashes with us.
And it does get easier. People were so kind on here and they really understand how it feels. Sending unmumsnetty hugs and

So sorry. It's awful. You could consider a Persian or a ragdoll when the time is right. As they are happy to be indoor cats.

I'm so sorry.

I don't think our old boy has long left. He's eating and still fairly agile, vet can't find anything wrong and he's not got any sign of pain, but in the last few months his sleeping has doubled. And except for the occasions he decides he fancies being active, he doesn't really respond to much.

Previously he'd glare if you disturbed him, or do his poor old cat act so you'd obey his exacting demands, before merrily trotting away. Now he just cba most of the time.

In the future, have you considered cats that have to be indoor cats? Eg injury or infectious? If they can never go out anyway and their only other choice is a shelter you won't feel the same guilt about keeping them in.

So sorry for your loss. We lost our old beautiful girl in October and I still struggle some days. I absolutely underestimated the level of raw grief I felt.
We picked up our 5 year old boy not long after losing our girl and he's brilliant. Totally different from our girl in a lot of ways but also very similar which is strangely comforting.
I second others in suggesting an indoor only cat. A lot of rescues will specify if a cat is indoor only. You might not get a kitten but older cats bring just as much love with them. And have their bonkers moments to make you laugh. The benefits of an older cat is that their nature is already established and quite often, they're happy to snooze during the day. I have a camera and he goes straight up to our bed as I leave the house in the morning, only surfacing when he knows my husband is due home! It's then dinner time and then playtime.

Its cold at the moment so he's not fussed about going out. He likes just being sat on the threshold having a good sniff or sat on the windowsill next too the window on the safety latch.
I intend to either cat proof the garden in the summer or take him out on the leash if he's desperate to get out.

I'm sorry for your loss.

A lot of cats can be happy being totally indoor cats, and some rescues will home to indoor only homes. Don't feel guilty about leaving cats alone during the day as they happily keep themselves amused.

I’m so sorry. Cats leave a hole when they go. My old girl was pts 6 years ago and I still miss her kneading my cheeks to wake me up for breakfast.

If you do want another cat have a look at FIV positive rescues, they can only be house cats so it might work quite well for you.

It is only natural to feel so upset - your cat has been such an integral part of your home life for the last 20 years. The pain will lessen with time and you will always have some lovely memories. I love encountering photos of our 1st Madcats. If you take as many photos as we appeared to, creating a photobook/collage might help you deal with your loss.

Our kittens are nearing 6 months. It has been a shock after looking after two elderly gentlemen. Possibly because we have more clutter and computers etc than 15 years ago, but they always seen to get into scrapes (maybe the Madcats did too - we were both at work).

Anyway, in my quest to replace them I found so many rehoming and rescue groups on Facebook (we were keen to have siamese/orientals again). Breeders stop breeding, owners move into homes/hospital, people have to move to a "no pets" rental. A great many seem to be house cats only.

Thanks everyone so much for such lovely replies. And so sorry for everyone else that’s lost their furry mates too.

I will look into indoor cats. I don’t have a garden to cat proof unfortunately like someone suggested, only a very small yard which would kind of just be the same as being indoors! I think the only reason I thought kittens would be best is that they could be company for each other during the day, I’d worry a solitary cat could get a bit lonely stuck indoors? Anyway I think it’ll be a while before I’m ready yet.

I hate coming home to an empty house, it doesn’t feel like home anymore without him waiting for me on his spot on the kitchen floor purring away. I miss him trying to steal my dinner, and waking me up licking my nose. I miss how he’d seek out sunny spots in the bedroom and bathe in the warmth so happily. I miss his gorgeous cat smell, and most of all I miss his purr.

I do know it’ll get easier. It just doesn’t feel like it at the moment.

I know what you mean about the house not being a home anymore 😩

You can get rescue adult cats in pairs, when the time comes.

Griefs like being punished for a crime you haven’t committed.

I lost my 9 month old kitten to a "door dashing" road accident 4 weeks ago and my 17.5 year old in March last year (put to sleep due to renal failure and cancer). 18 years ago I also lost my darling 2 year old boy to a road accident, which was my first experience at losing a very much loved cat. It actually took me about two years to be able to think about him with joy and not sadness anymore. Its different for everyone but the rawness of it takes at least a month or two to subside. Unfortunately there's just not much you can do to stop the process - you have to go through it to heal. Its the most awful, nightmarish and utterly hopeless feeling ever, but you have to just let it envelop you in all its darkness. You honestly don't think that you'll ever be ok again, but I promise you that you will be. I still have moments when I break down and can hardly believe that he's gone (at least once a day), but I am now able to do things and actually forget about the pain for a bit, whereas before it was a constant feeling of darkness and depression. So already healing. I will never stop missing him, or loving him or ever forget about him (or my old girl, or the boy I lost 18 years ago). I think in the beginning it's so hard because its the shock and trying to get used to and accept the "new normal". I once read that grief is simply love with no place to go. Which I think is quite true. You never stop grieving the loss because you never stop loving them, but you do adjust and get used to living with it.

Just to add, getting two kittens is certainly better - from my experience they do keep each other company and play together beautifully. If they're going to be alone during the day and be indoor only I think this is the better option. I've had an indoor cat that was alone all day while I worked and he displayed some very destructive behaviour out of boredom - ripping up books and furniture and generally just being very restless. The two kittens I got recently together have been so easy and great fun too :-)

Thank you Burm. And so sorry about the cats you’ve lost. It’s a strange rollercoaster of emotion, one minute I feel like I’m doing a bit better then something small will set me back off again. Like I found a single piece of litter on the sofa where he used to sit that must’ve fallen off a paw, and just sobbed for ages.

Sundays were our days together, having a lie-in with him snuggled next to me then doing a roast chicken in the evening and giving him a little plateful as a treat. So today is awful, I don’t know what to do with myself. And it’s strange but losing him has made me grieve for my other cat again too. I miss them both so much.

Having thought about it I think in the future I will get two kittens yes, my house is quite big - 3 stories plus basement so lots of stairs to run up and down. I have cat trees and plenty of toys to keep them entertained and would look into getting one of those cameras so I could see they were okay during the day. Maybe in the summer when my daughter is home from uni for a few months would be a good time. I could always think about moving if they weren’t happy being kept in. Actually there are tons of cats on my street, next door has an elderly one that has a cat flap and is always outside, maybe they’d be okay, I would worry though.

We have chicken on sundays too & miss fending him off while I prep or serve. He’d only eat breast.

Even last night I went to save steak for him then realised ☹️

I'm so sorry OP, 10 years ago I lost four elderly cats within 6 months. I just let my grief overwhelm me completely. There was nothing else I could do. My old girl is currently at the vets having some last ditch treatment and when she goes I'll no doubt let the grief overwhelm me again.
What I did when they all went was to have a lovely picture of them professionally framed and made a little shrine for each one burning candles in their memory everyday until I felt that I could move on.
I still have all their pictures, I'm pagan and it's our tradition to make shrines at Samhain (Oct 31st) every year to remember our loved and lost family members whether cat or human. It really helps.