Adoption regret - really need advice

[TheKurgan]

I posted a few weeks ago about adopting a kitten, which we went ahead with. We already have a 7 year old cat.
The kitten is originally from Romania and is about 7 months old. After a day or so I noticed she was very sneezy and possibly had ear mites so took her to the vet. The vet examined her and thought it very likely that she is a cat flu carrier and the stress of the journey had brought on a relapse. Though she had not been introduced to the older cat at that point they said there was a risk of infecting the older cat (who is vaccinated) but it had probably already happened just because of the scent swapping etc.
I phoned up the shelter, who said that all the litter had had 'the snuffles' for the first couple of weeks after moving to a new place. They are fully vaccinated but presumably were infected already. I was cross and very upset as I never would have knowingly taken on a flu carrier with my existing cat, they knew we already had a cat and they said nothing. They said they would take her back if that's what we wanted.
After a long chat with the vet, she persuaded us to just go with it. She said to separate the cats if the little one was having a flare up but otherwise there was no need to keep them separately.
We've now had her for two weeks. At the moment she still has a watery eye and sneezes occasionally but I don't know if this constitutes a flare up or whether it's a permanent state of affairs. She has been gradually introduced to the older cat and they are fairly relaxed in each other's presence - so far no symptoms in cat no. 1.
The trouble is I still feel really ambivalent about keeping the kitten. She is a sweet, mad little thing, very affectionate, but also very needy and vocal. Constantly monitoring her health and that of the other cat have made me incredibly anxious and panicky (probably abnormally so). After being excellent with her litter tray she crapped on our bed this morning, which hasn't helped. She is also incredibly greedy due to her past, which I doubt will change!
In all honesty I feel I have made a big mistake adopting her but I don't know if this is 'adopter's remorse' that will pass when we all adjust to each other or whether I should take her back to the shelter (which would break my heart but I can't deny I would feel a sense of relief).
I just wondered whether anyone had any advice or insight, particularly into cat flu carriers.
Please understand I NEVER thought I would be the type of person who would rehome an animal. I took her on knowing what a commitment it was and with every intention of providing a loving home, but my anxiety levels are through the roof.

I would say cat flu carrier isn't the end of the world. I've had 3 cats now who are/were carriers due to having cat flu as kittens pre-vaccinations (all rescues) and really they just got over the initial episode and then lived their lives.

Current pair are now 1yr plus and bouncing around full of beans. First one lived to a ripe old age and yes he did get a bit wheezy but his sister never noticed.

The good news is your 2 cats are getting on. It took my old lady ages to put up with the new arrivals so this is seriously good news.

Single kittens are needy and vocal, it's just who they are. And yours has gone through a lot of change - cats hate change. I'd get some Feliway in -for you and the kitten.

Thank you @AnnaMagnani, that's really helpful. I have some Feliway but I think you're right that I need the human equivalent! Any tips to stop the bed crapping from happening again? That really was the last straw!

You might need to put the kitten into a (big) cage with a litter tray for two weeks to retrain her. This is recommended for rescue/feral cats to help them adjust. Your local cats protection might be able to lend you one.

Yep, sounds like the cats are doing fine and it's you that's the problem

We adopted our second cat in similar circumstances at 7 months and she turned out to have luxating patellas, a condition that will be costly once she ages. She also hated us and our other cat at first. Like yours, the rescue offered to take her back but I feared she'd be pts so here she remains and she is honestly an absolute joy. It took 6 months for her to gain some confidence and be able to walk again. Probably 2 years for her to feel at home. It was worth everything

If she's a rescue kitten, how house trained is she?

I've had issues even with grown up cats deciding to poo in my bed but it is usually a sign of stress on their part - they have done it when they are ill or when left alone in the house when I'm on holiday. I think they just want to be somewhere that smells of you.

However I had one who seemed to have the idea that textiles were for pooing on - I don't think her mum had taught her properly when she was a baby. It was a long road to unteach that but we got there in the end.

2 weeks is a v short time. My neighbour has adopted a stray who turned up at her doorstep. He used to be a big bully outside all the time. A year on he's cottoned on he's on to a good thing and is a giant softy, plays nicely with my kittens instead of duffing them up and doesn't like to go out in the cold. If yours has been a street cat it takes them time to learn that life is good now.

I think that when anyone gets a new pet there’s a stage where you regret everything especially puppies and kittens. After my first dog I regretting begging DH for a dog every day for a year. I think it’s the massive amount of change that you never can anticipate because so much comes down to personality.

Definitely agree on re toilet training. Our dog backtracked massively on the toilet training front when we moved house due to the change in environment. Kittens are also incredibly loud! I was shocked how loud when we got our guy and he was 6 months and pretty self sufficient.

In regards to the cat flu, it's really not a big issue - your other cat, if up to date on vaccinations, will almost certainly have protection against the strain of virus and won't catch it. If your cat goes out, she's just as likely to come across other cats with cat flu (active or carriers) out and about anyway.

I've fostered kittens for a charity for two years now and the majority of kittens have some cat flu symptoms (sneezing, eye infections/milder eye discharge) when they are small. Unless she had a really bad case of cat flu, chances are she might have some symptoms when stressed but will mostly be fine.

If they're getting on well it sounds great! I think a lot of people have some thoughts of "oh gosh what have I done!" after getting a new cat - it's a long commitment and most cats come with some challenges... I hope things work out for you and you feel better as things settle more.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so conflicted about the kitten. The rescue charity should have notified you that the litter had possible cat flu, not least because of the additional vet costs.

But as Anna has pointed out, lots of rescue cats carry cat flu and it tends to only flare up under stress. Useful remedies for that are Feliway or Pet Remedy plug-ins (the latter contains valerian and other essential oils and I've heard of anecdotal reports of humans benefiting too!)

Other helpful things to consider trying are 1) L-lysine in powder form or as supplements from Viovet, Vet UK and Amazon 2) Fortiflora probiotics and 3) Bisolvon powder to clear a stuffy nose which you'll need to get from your vet. All are put in food which is handy if your kitten is a greedy guts. They don't work in all cats all the time but are cheaper than antibiotics from your vet.

Also, if the kitten is really greedy, try a feeder like the Catit Food Tree, Trixie Cat Activity board or the Catch Interactive cat feeder from The Company of Animals - all will make her work for her food and are found on Amazon. A more expensive option is a microchip feeder which will stop her from wolfing down the other cat's food.

Also consider laser toys, cat wands etc to tire her out and keep her occupied (you can be postrate on a sofa at the same time).
A pet is meant to enhance your life not stress you out but I'd give this kitten a bit of time. Best of luck!

Thanks for the replies, they are really helpful. Having not had a moment of misgivings over adopting the first cat as a kitten, the regret and panic have really taken me by surprise.
She had a 100% success rate with the litter tray up until this morning so it was a nasty surprise! I thought possibly that it happened because she had an upset stomach (it was pretty loose). I'm hoping that if I make sure she is shut in the box room with the litter tray for a while after eating (which is when she seems to go), it will get her going in the right place again.

One of our cats has cat flu, he’s pretty sneezy and snotty but he’s 5 years old now. His brother had cat flu as a tiny kitten (we got them at 4 weeks old) but he completely recovered. We introduced an older cat earlier this year and she’s not had any problems

I had a stray cat that I took in that was a flu carrier; stress was a big trigger for his symptoms. He would frequently suffer, but our other cats never got an infection from him. Wejust learned to live with it and he was never separated from the rest.

Your kitten will be adjusting and soiling the bed is also a sign of stress, so I'm sure she will settle down, she's had a tough time poor little thing.

It does sound like you are worrying lots, but I think more time and you won't be able to be without her; they are all so individual and sometimes we have to grow to love them, but invariably we do!