My cats sudden death is breaking my heart

[Ailime]

I lost my precious cat to a brutal death couple days ago. She died the same way i've had nightmares and phobias of. She fell from a window sometime in the night or early morning. There are so many questions about how it could happen because i ALWAYS locked the window the way that my cats cant get out of it. I feel like i am to blame but also i know myself and i certainly know i locked it. When i was young my cat had already fell from a window but she survived without injuries. That happened on my brothers watch in a much lower building. I became so obsessed with keeping her safe after that... i thought i could keep her safe... but on friday morning i got a call and they asked if i had a black n white cat with a pink collar... they said she was laying down on the pavement. I just collapsed... i just broke down to little pieces. When i got down and touched her, she was cold, hard and wet from the rain. We didn't get to say goodbyes... i didn't even know she fell...

My cat was 8 and a half years old. She was always on my lap and she had a beautiful personality. She kissed me all the time and curled up on my chest everytime i would lay down. The last time i saw her was right before i went to bed. She was laying down and just looked at me with her beautiful green eyes. Then she jumped of the bed and went her own way... i wish now i had took her in my arms..

Right now i am in a awful place. I cant function. I cant even open the curtains because it kills me to see the windows. I cant go out the back door at all because i cant forget the image of my loved one just laying there..

I also have a older cat, she is 14 and she really needs me. She has always had a cat companion and now she is just lost. Lost like me. She keeps meowing and wont eat unless i give food to her catbuddys bowl too... she is waiting for her to come home and it breaks my heart.

I feel like my friends and family dont really understand me. My cats are a part of me and when they go, everything just falls apart.

What can i do? How can i live? I already have severe depression and anxiety but this just makes it all so painful... i am so sorry for my darling cat... i just want to apologize and take her home...

How are you coping today OP? I have been thinking about you, sorry to hear that where you live offers no support and no understanding from the people around you, that must be so hard. There may be some online support from the Blue Cross? Might be worth looking at their website?

www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo

I don't cry as much anymore but i feel very depressed and empty. And a bit confused. I am also worried about my old cat. It's hard to live in this building now. My boyfriend has had to take my garbage out from the back because i still can't go there where my cat was laying.. thinking about moving but i'm worried that i'll forget more of her if i move

It’s very very early days yet, you are bound to still be traumatised and in shock by what has happened, I think it’s a very natural reaction to want to escape from the bad memories because they are still so raw, if you can, try and give yourself some time before making any decisions on moving, your cat also had a full and happy life there so try and focus on that if you can, if over the coming weeks you still can’t bear it then maybe you should think about moving on, you won’t ever forget her and her memory will always be with you wherever you are. Your other cat will be confused as to where their friend is, in time that will lessen, if they are off their food etc though I would speak to your vet and take their advice on the way forward. Be kind to yourself, it’s such early days.

Hi OP, I've only just discovered this thread. I just wanted to add that I'm so sorry about your cat.

My previous cat went missing and I still blame myself for that. The pain of losing her was unbearable, I wanted to die. I had two experiences of people calling to say they'd found her but it wasn't my cat, having my hopes dashed was so painful. To add to the pain, two of her kittens (I had rescued her when she was already pregnant) were still up for adoption. They'd been in the shelter for months and I wanted to get them, as they were a last connection to my cat. I'm disabled and depend on my parents and they refused to let me get them back. That only added to the pain.

Your feelings of grief are normal. I know you said you can't phone the Blue Cross helpline but they also offer support via email. Email them at [email protected] and someone will reply within 48 hours (I found they replied much quicker than that). While it doesn't offer the instant support of a phone call, sometimes it's easier to express yourself in writing. Having the reply in writing means you can re-read it whenever you need support. You can also contact them via a form at www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-and-pet-loss
All communication is confidential, whether by phone, email or form.

I'm not au fait with technology stuff but you might be able to call the helpline via Skype. You could try it and see if it works.

To help your older cat, I'd recommend reading one of Vicky Halls' books, Cat Detective or Cat Confidential would probably be best. The author is one of the UK's top cat behaviourists and is also a vet nurse. The books are about cat psychology and behaviour and you can learn from them, even if you've had cats for years. Ms Halls writes about helping cats cope with the loss of a companion and the things you learn will help you choose the best companion when/if you decide to get another cat.

Please try to be kind to yourself. When I lost my cat, I already had depression too. She had given me a reason to live after an agonising betrayal when I discovered my then-boyfriend had been cheating on me. He left me for the other woman and I fell apart. I ended up rescuing Fudge a few weeks later and she literally saved my life because I had to keep going for her. So I have some idea of the pain you're going through.

If you already have depression and experience a traumatic loss, you're going to struggle. For many people, especially those who have physical or mental health problems, their cats are like family or even children. If a member of your family had died, people would be sympathetic. If you'd lost a child, people would understand that you were struggling mentally and emotionally. Please contact the support service I've linked to above. You're going through a very tough time and you need proper support. I hope you can feel a bit better soon.

What a kind and thoughtful post stars and you have been through such a terrible time yourself I hope you have managed to get through the pain, I must say though I can’t help but be appalled that your parents would not help you get your cats kittens back, it must have been devastating really hope you found your way through it.