Reasons why my cats are bastards.

[QueenOfIce]

He will not stop scratching our new carpet even though there's plenty of scratching posts for him to use.

She somehow manages to creep between my legs at night so I wake up all contorted and aching like buggery deliriously believing I'm giving birth to a cat. BUT if I so much as place a bum cheek on a chair she's on I get a thorough telling off.

He meow meow meow MEEEOWWWWWWWWWS at 4.30am Every. Fucking. Morning. Doesn't matter what we do it never stops.

No one can eat yogurt in our house unless you stand up because he will ambush you as soon as you're seated.

Our bedside lamps are touch for on and off and if you forget to turn them off at the plug you will be woken up by Blackpool illuminations at 4am by one of their arses having bumped it.

I love them stupidly, I am a total slave

Also if we shut them out (which we have many times) we end up with a riot outside the door.

Apparently I am responsible for the weather, and must be tripped up and mewed at until I change whatever it is that they don't approve of. And it must be an immediate change - any delay will result in leg swiping.

My cat likes to play mind games with me . She comes and bites my feet , which indicates she wants food , I get up to find she has a bowl with food in it , I have to bend down and point at the bowl, cat will begrudgingly lick it and then stare at me , I cave in and add more food to the bowl. I sit down . Cat then comes and bites my feet again . I get up and go to the food bowl , cat nicks my seat .

It's the same with her wanting to go out ( nowhere to put a catflap). She sits by the back door , I get up and open the door , cat walks away . I sit down , she sits by the door again ,this can happen 4 or 5 times before she actually goes out .

She hates me .

She pisses on the carpet, well not the carpet but the puppy pads I have to buy.
He cries and cries until you cuddle him and let him in the bed.

I get one sleep in a week. DH gets up and feeds cat.
Cat comes and wakes me up by meowing in my face to check he has done it correctly, which he always has. He won’t eat until I’ve looked at it.
So no sleep in for me.

She's cute as hell but very prone to nippy bitey scratchey after a tormented kittenhood...which we only found out about after we brought her home from Cats Protection. She is playful and pouncey and terrorising us....but we love her!

If anyone is in the tub you not only have to shut the bathroom door but you also have to jam a door wedge under the door.

Because not only can the fucking cat open the bathroom door but she will also get in the tub. Wet cat + claws equals bad idea

She will meow at me to stroke her, then bite me if I am not stroking her correctly.