I need to make atonement

[LanguidLobster]

I haven't been too bad an owner (I had her for 10 years) but I've let her down the past few months.

She had vets in november then we moved and I thought anything was behavioural (we were both a bit unhappy) and I didn't cotton on quickly enough - I'm still really unsure what happened. She may have been cancerous but vets didn't state directly, they may have not wanted to say they thought she wasn't taken care of. She was always fed and watered but I think I didn't spend enough time with her.

I need to make amends in some way, there's a wildlife sanctuary near me so I can buy appropriate food from local store and visit each evening. Don't know what else to do

Ah op dcats are very good at hiding that anything is wrong ime.
I am sure you dcat knew it was loved. Would it help to post a picture? Are you in a position to rescue another when you feel able?

April my flat is too small. I wouldn't get another cat here. One of the problems was that as it was so cluttered it was difficult to indorex/clean properly.

I think what the vets were saying was that she had cancer so couldn't deal with anything like fleas as her system wasn't strong enough. Think she knew she was loved.

I'd love to take care of something, sanctuary might be a good idea.

Even the most dedicated pet owner can be flummoxed by fleas!
We had an absolute invasion last year that cost me ££££££
It happens.
c
Can you volunteer at a shelter maybe?
Off to pet sit while neighbours go away?

April thanks, I wouldn't feel comfortable around a cat at present. Maybe when I've calmed down a little and could volunteer.

It just doesn't help that I think the vets thought I was negligent in some way. Pretty sure she knew she was loved.

I'll crack on with the wildlife santuary for now.

Ah what a beauty!!
Had one similar as a dc called Spring. She used to sit on my shoulders while I went to the sweet shop!

You have nothing to atone for, you did nothing wrong. Your beautiful girl knew she was loved and it's so easy to tell from your posts how much you loved her.

I'm sure your vet didn't think you were negligent, it's so easy to read more into things when you are grieving.

Please be kind to yourself, none of this was your fault

Pink it was a bit, she became lonely and unhappy. She's a sweet little thing and loved trotting up to people, seagulls put a stop to that really as they moved into our street with nesting so I couldn't let her go for a stroll on her own anymore.

I got out of hospital 2 weeks ago Friday and was really alarmed when I called her at first as she didn't respond. Then I heard a faint whimper from a corner, she must have been frightened and thought she'd been abandoned.

I'd really like to do something nice for her to say sorry; aside from wildlife sanctuary anything else?

You don't need to atone, cats hide things well.
My boy was in the cattery last week and followed me around wailing when I brought him home. If he went into the kitchen to eat, I had to do call and response with him so he knew I hadn't sneaked off!
He's stuck a towel on his head to hide and refused to eat while he was there.
I have some serious atoning to do ( especially as I am working away all week again this week, but at least he's at home with OH).
If you wanted to do something, are you at all crafty?
Crochet or knit some blankets, or make scratching posts for a local rescue?
Or make catnip mice or other toys for them?
Is there something you could make to donate to the wildlife rescue?
Fat balls for birds, home made dog biscuits for foxes?

lanquid you need to stop punishing your self you clearly loved your girl and from what you have described you didn't do anything wrong. You didn't ignore her, you fed and cared for her. You need to take it easy on yourself so you can grieve properly.

Is it worth speaking to the vet again and explain you are struggling I'm sure they will take the time to give their opinion. Of course you can talk about her on here if you wish, we love to talk about cats.

This is the worst part of cat ownership we know this but we keep them as they are such amazing pets.

lobster please don’t keep blaming yourself. You’re grieving and you need to be kind to yourself. It worries me how much you’re beating yourself up.
The Blue Cross has a pet bereavement support service - it might be worth contacting them.
What did you decide to do with your little one?

She's wrapped up tightly within several bags but I can't bear to let her go.

I think my best friend might intervene tomorrow if this goes on any longer, he's already told me I have to let her go. My family has as well.

Sorry, really wasn't expecting to get so dysfunctional about a cat dying.

Don’t apologise, our dcat is like one of the children to me.
Your little one will always be with you, wherever you are and wherever she is.

I do understand some of your feelings, I have had regrets about my old girl who passed away aged 18 a couple of years ago. Yes she had a long happy life with me and was well looked after, but when my children came along she didn't have as much of my attention as she deserved. She had arthritis and I could have cared for her condition a bit more. I just let her be, and she was happy enough but I could have done more. She had fleas too towards the end which were hard to treat, I think it gets harder as they get older.
Anyway, I don't beat myself up too much, she lived to a grand old age and was loved.
I think for your own sanity you need to try and move on and stop blaming yourself
Also, I say this kindly but you really do need to deal with her body, you r dear puss deserves a decent burial or cremation, whatever you can manage, its the final act of respect we can give them. She needs to cross the rainbow bridge.

Rainbow Bridge
-Author Unknown
There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth.
It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of all its beautiful colors.
Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows,
hills and valleys with lush green grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place.
There is always food and water and warm spring weather.
The old and frail animals are young again.
Those who were sick, hurt or in pain are made whole again.
There is only one thing missing,
they are not with their special person who loved them so much on earth.
So each day they run and play until the day comes
when one suddenly stops playing and looks up!
The nose twitches! The ears are up!
The eyes are staring and this one runs from the group!
You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet,
you take him in your arms and hug him.
He licks and kisses your face again and again -
and you look once more into the eyes of your best friend and trusting
pet.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together never again to be apart

I had to phone vets earlier and explain I had got mentally unwell since she died and I still had a little dead cat wrapped up in a silk tux jacket in an oilskin bag within 2 bin bags. It's like Russian dolls. So we're off in in one hour.

Told brother I was very hurt he didn't travel down to help bury her but he said he didn't want foxes digging her up. I'm still a bit annoyed with him though.

Everyone on here has been really helpful, thanks

Well done @LanguidLobster I hope you got through it OK, you've done the right thing by your little cat. RIP dear puss

Hope you are feeling a bit less guilty - you obviously loved her (even if she did pee on your clothes). She looks a beautiful cat.
You may be taking on feelings of guilt because of how you feel about things generally - but it does sound that illness meant she couldn't throw off something normally not too serious. And you didn't know, and cats are too good at hiding illness.
I lost my boy Horatio when I was depressed, and he had an undiagnosed heart defect. Two weeks after his checkup he died and I knew I hadn't played as much, talked as much as normal. Feel guilty still but DP said - he was loved, he was eating, sleeping, purring and bunting, kneading, scratching and chasing butterflies. He had a good life, and so did your little cat. Please remember those 10 years!

PS meant to say you could sponsor a pen at a cat refuge, our local cat and dog home have a friends scheme which sponsors vet costs, neutering schemes, and they're always looking for volunteers in the shop or walking dogs.