The rules of cat ownership.

[SimonBridges]

Well I say ownership but you know what I mean.

I was talking to my girl earlier telling her that I was going to have to get into bed with a pile of clothes still on it as she was asleep on the clothes. That lead me to think of the rules of cat ownership.

rule one - that anything that the cat is asleep on belongs to the cat and cannot be moved, this includes humans.
Rule two - you will sit on the floor or sleep in an uncomfortable angle to not disturb the cat.

What other rules are there?

During firework season I used to escort miss tiddles to her toilet area await her and escort her back just in case a firework went off during the day

I took the umbrella out to carry fat cat inside in the middle of a heavy rainstorm

Middle cat made me brush and comb for hours I'm suprised he had any fur left

All fleece blankets belong to the cat, even the human sized ones.

All tins are cat food and should not contain foul things such as sweetcorn (her main food isn't even in a bloody tin for goodness sake).

Wet food (Lily's Kitchen) must be cut up into small enough pieces otherwise it gets smeared all over the bowl and then ignored.

The cat reserves the right to suddenly hate all her previously loved foods and demand different food.

The cat will break the blinds if the human does not open them quickly enough.

The cat is called many names by the human (mostly nice ones!) and answers to fluffybutt as well as her given name. The human has no idea what the cat calls her. Probably something rude!

Probably something rude!

Like 'Fluffybutt'.

My girl also used to make me mash her food as she couldn't handle large chunks mice birds and chunks of ham yes supermeat no

If you are sitting on the sofa then your lap had better be vacant.

The blue blanket is the sole property of her purry highness and needs to be folded in the specified manner.

Any glass of anything in the living room is required to be submitted for taste testing first. Putting a saucer over the top of the glass is seriously unacceptable.

catburgers

I now have several water bottles with flip lids, the cat is not amused. She will only drink from a glass or a puddle, never a bowl.

Rule no 436 - always leave doors open at bedtime (like to the closet, airing cupboard, etc) as her highness likes exploring dark cupboards, particularly at night!

You will open the window to let me in/out, even though there is a catflap nearby, as I cannot open it myself.

You will open the door to let me in/out, even though there is an open window or catflap nearby, as I cannot open it myself.

You will open the catflap to let me in/out, even though I am perfectly capable of doing it myself, because you should know by now that you are my personal commissionaire. Don't forget to salute.

And don't think about closing the window/door/catflap, as I'm going straight in/out again. Or perhaps not. But probably. Just hold it open while I decide.