Help me train my formerly abused cat

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

I got her from a shelter when she was 8 months old and she had been found on wasteland living in a kind of cat colony that were being fed by the shelter. She apparently jumped onto the back seat of the car so wanted to be taken home!

She is such a loving, sweet, playful and cuddly cat but they wonder if she was abused because she's absolutely terrified of men.

Yesterday for example a guy came to fix the boiler so I shut her in my bedroom to make her feel safer. She actually crawled right under my bed to hide (a difficult task since the frame is almost directly on the floor). She hasnt done that since her first few nights with me.

As soon as a man enters my flat she disappears. Women she tolerates very light petting from. With me she's like a loving puppy. The one thing I wish is I could slowly train her to be more comfortable with my boyfriend. We now live together and she's the same as she ever was with him: she tolerates him but nothing more. She'll hang out in the same room but won't be touched by him and flees if he tries to stroke her. He's really patient and carries on trying to stroke her as a greeting but she won't have it. Hes laid down on the floor a few times to try and give her a treat, she wont have any of it.

Its been a year, and I just think it would vastly improve her wellbeing for example when Im away at the weekend, if she could learn to accept and not fear him.

Any ideas?

Get a Feliway diffuser - they help them settle. I got one when I got my rescues and XH arrived home a week or so after they arrived. They were okay with him, but kept their distance. Your girl might never get over her fear of men. My childhood cat once got shut in somewhere and we think perhaps she was kicked, too, and she never got over her fear of strangers. Let her go to your boyfriend when she is ready and in the meantime, he should speak to her as normal, but not force the contact.

Cats take longer to get over a bad experience than dogs etc I think, it has to be proven to them that whatever they are afraid of is okay.

If I were you I'd get your boyfriend to stop trying to fuss her, she needs to be the one that approaches him.

If he could be the one that feeds her that would be great, simply putting the food down, talking gently and giving her space, no trying to touch or anything.

After time you can probably build up to treats, putting them on the floor and walking away until she feels safe enough to eat, then getting closer until he can stay beside her, when she is happy with that, then try a gentle stroke, or let her sniff his hand.

It takes a long time, sometimes months or years for them to overcome anything traumtic. Well done for helping her!

our rescue boy came to us at 6 months after a bad start in life, 6 months later and he still legs it when people come round. he is definitely more wary of men.

it's taken these 6 months for him to trust DP. he's a proper Velcro cat with me but I still sometimes have to win him round gradually for cuddles. and he Will Not be picked up! also won't eat when my DD is in the kitchen -not a clue what that's about.

so, yeah. he's a bit weird and can be very unreasonable but we love him so much so its all ok. he has also settled in beautifully with our other 3 so he is a Brave Boy.

it seems to be hard for him to trust us not to shout at him. he's still a bit flinchy. he has found his voice though - when we met him he had a tiny little croak and now he properly shouts at me when he has pooped (because he likes to watch me flush the litter, the weirdo) and really, just keep showing her she's safe, and he should always have dreamies in his pocket. I've clicker trained Jacky for a paw in exchange for dreamies and its his favourite game...

cats are weird. rescues are weirder. just keep on being safe and reliable and she'll find her way.

It takes 18months to 2years for rescue cats to really settle. They never forget, but learn to just about trust your judgement.
My beautiful tail less wonder who was the subject of a neglect/cruelty court case started to tolerate certain men after 2years, but even 5 years on not even I can touch her when she is outside the house.
She adores my DP, but views my Dad (massive cat lover) with great suspicion.
Time is a great healer for cats.

Just time. My cats have taken two years to be able to stay in the same Room as my mum and dad.

Give her time, she'll be fine.
My cat was terrified of men too and would go absolutely mental if a man came in the house.
I just warmed any men coming round to act cool around my cat and not try to touch him.

He got over his fear after a couple of years and is now a distant memory

Thank you all so nuch. She can have all the time she needs!

Its insane all these cats are freaked out by men though 😠

Male animals are assumed to be more aggressive than lone females though.

Ignore her until she’s comfortable with him. Any approach will be mistaken for a sign of aggression.

Maybe he could try playing with her, using a fishing rod-type toy so he's not actually trying to touch her? And could he be the one to fill her food bowl so she associates him with treats & good things? I also agree with others who say for him just to get on with things and not actively coax the cat. It does take ages sometimes, one of my cats took ages to come round to the idea of my boyfriend moving in (she had been a rescue kitten & very timid) but after a couple of years he was her favourite person & I was ignored!

I've had Bluebell for 10 years now and she savages every man that comes to the house, she hates men. I have to lock her upstairs when friends are over and she's too old to change now. You can see "the look" in her eye when she clocks a man.
Apparently a man broke her nose before she came to me and she has just never forgiven them. She is wonderful with me and fine with the other male cat.
Funnily enough she is ok with my adult son even though he doesn't live with me.

My previous cat was the same, though less extreme in her actions. My uncle would come round every week but it still took her about 5 years to get close to him, and he's the kindest, gentlest man you could ever meet.

She did, in later years, have some very strange reactions to men. One friend she decided she liked his deodorant, and wouldn't leave his armpits alone! She jumped onto the lap of another friend, and had a wonderful time kneading his crotch, to the embarrassment of all in the room! The sweetest was the guy who came to check the burglar alarm each year. She would flirt outrageously with him, from the first time she met him (which was many years after she first arrived). It really was amusing!

So, as others have said, just giver her time.

@TimeIhadaNameChange
You know whats weird? Like i said she only lets other women pet her very lightly but she was totally at ease with my sister.

Now ive seen your son comment, it makes me wonder if they can smell we're family so they lump us together?

I will have to test her out on my bro!

Irritated poor Bluebell

Ask him to pretend to ignore her, definitely don’t look/ stare at her and don’t try to reach out and stroke her. Would be helpful if he took over feeding duties too. If she wants to, and she feels his body language isn’t confrontational, she may start coming over to him to have a sniff etc. Despite good intentions, waving a treat around a traumatised cat is scary body language to them. Instead throw treats to her without directly looking at her.

Some cats from difficult backgrounds take years to come round. We actually have one who after about 8/9 years still frantically flees if we reach out to her (even then we only do this for flea treatment and to weigh her once a month). We’d had her for about 5 years before she decided we were trustworthy enough for her to approach us for the occasional fuss. The sad part is she wants to be fussed and stands at a respectable distance purring, arching her back and walking on tip toes but just can’t always muster the bravery to approach.

Another who started off just as traumatised (rescued with the cat above) but is now the most loving and cuddly thing with certain members in the ‘family circle’.

Well done for giving a home to a more needy cat - these little souls are harder to rehome but just as deserving of a loving home as the more gregarious cats.

I wonder if it's because men are bigger. My cats will happily go to my mum. It's taken two years. But I think my dad is not quite as gentle and has larger hands. He's used to bomb proof cats and my two aren't.

My cat absolutely hates men. She wouldn't be in the same room as my OH for months and still attacks him if he comes too close. She won't even eat the food if he puts it in her bowl. I often wonder what she would be like if I had had her from a kitten as she is a complete soppy cow when I am there.

Time might help but its been 5 years for her and my OH.....

I have one that is ex feral, who at first behaved very much like msmins. She got brave quickly with dd and I, but only because she was physically too weak to care anymore at first. First time she touched us we cut through the wire that her skin had grown over in places, and I think at that moment she decided we were ok because of how painful it must have been, so the not quite brave enough dance phase didn't take too long.

It was still a very long road and she's still hypersensitive to anything outside the norm, but if I filmed her with us she looks like the worlds most placid, sociable cat.

She'll tolerate a small handful of well known people in the same room as her, but not all at once and only if I'm there. I don't think she'll ever be truly like a normal domestic cat.

Training has been more about training her to trust me to give her safe options. So eg the people she tolerates is on the basis she knows they won't try and get too near. With strangers she knows that she has various safe places, and/ or an escape route and I won't let anyone near them.