I'm absolutely broken tonight as I had my beautiful ten-year-old boy put to sleep today because of suspected lymphoma. The vet did an exploratory surgery and things looked so bad, that even though surgery might have worked, it would have brought him pain and given him only a few more weeks. It looked like an aggressive cancer - he was absolutely fit and healthy until last week.
I'm not a religious person but I do believe in an afterlife. My thoughts are consumed by the idea that he hates me for having him euthanised whilst under anaesthesia - I was in the room and had spent time with him before his prep. He was my last cat and since the loss of my son seven years' ago, has been the centre of my universe. My every thought and act has been for him, now I feel purposeless and lost. There's an enormous hole in my heart and I can't help but think that I would rather fall asleep and not wake up again.
Sorry for the public outpouring of grief. I just ache all over and feel so drained that I needed to let it out.