Words of wisdom, please (long)

[lazuli]

I probably won't be back to reply tonight, as I'm off to bed. But I could do with some help.

Last year we had to, very suddenly, move overseas. It was a (fairly desperate) financial decision, and we had no real choice.

I have been married for 4 years, and have a son who is 3 (was 2 at the time).

I also had two cats. They were, at the time, 11 years old (12 now). I adopted them from a charity - a charity for which I volunteered for about 10 years, during study.

We moved to a place that wouldn't allow cats. The charity said they would take them back. I absolutely wasn't using them as a boarding place, and I did give them a very generous donation, but the hope was always (even from the charity), that the cats could be returned to me.

We are still in our new country, but have now moved to a place that will allow cats. (That was the whole point of the house move - so we could get our cats back.) The cats are in foster care, but the charity has said that they are settled there and they don't want them to move overseas with us.

I totally understand this. (I would probably make the same decision myself, if I were the one in charge to make it.)

However, I am so so so upset. I had these cats for 11 years, they are my family. We moved house specifically so we could get them back. My son remembers them and misses them and talks about them all the time.

I am not angry at the charity - I totally understand their decision. I get that the cats are settled and happy. I know the people there very well, and I have no doubt whatsoever that they are acting in what they truly believe are the cats' best interests.

But how do I get over it? I really can't stop crying. I miss them so much. And how do I tell my son they are never coming back? I started to tell him, but he got so upset that I couldn't carry on.

Will my cats be OK? They are happy where they are, but they were with me for 11 years, from 8 weeks old. Will they be pining for me, and our family?

Those little furry blighters just worm their way right into your hearts don't they?! Our two rescues were about 2 when we got them. I always wish I could let their original family know how they were.
It must be so sad to think they are staying with someone else. Would the fosterers be open to being in contact with you? Letters? Cards? A few photos? It might really help you to see where they are, see them looking well and feel you know the people who are caring for them.

Aw that's so sad, I've always really loved every cat I've ever had. Sound like the charity are acting in the cats' best interests tho if they are happy and settled. May be more distressing for them to be moved yet again. I know it's hard but maybe you could get another cat where you are..?

Thanks for the replies.

Feeling a bit better today. Did spend most of last night crying, and I'm still tearful at the thought of them.

I suppose although I do understand that the charity has made a decision in the cats' best interests, I just desperately miss them and worry that they miss me too. It was 11 years. However, if I try to think about it rationally, I do feel that although if they were to come here now, they would still remember us and be happy to be with us, they would also be incredibly frustrated with having to stay indoors. I don't think they would console themselves with the thought "well, at least we're back with lazuli and family".

Where we are now, they would have to be indoor cats, and they are semi-feral, so that wouldn't suit them at all.

I explained to my son, who has been saying he misses them for the last year, but he seems actually OK about it now. I told him that they need to be able to go outdoors, and he suggested we "buy big trees for the house". :)

We have also looked into adopting a cat here. I don't really like keeping cats indoors (even if they always have been), as I don't think it's fair, so I've contacted a few charities and we're looking into maybe adopting a blind cat, that would have to be kept indoors for its own sake, so I wouldn't feel bad about keeping a cat like that indoors.

My son is very excited about this, and has told me that he no longer misses our other cats because they need to go outside and wouldn't be happy here. I'm not sure how much of this is simply his repeating things back to me, but he seems to be getting it. I have told him that's it OK to miss our other cats, and that I always will, but he seems more focussed on the potential new cat.

Anyway, he's excited about getting a new cat, and although I thought I would like I was some betraying my other cats by doing this, I do feel quite glad that we might be rescuing another cat that needs a home. I'm also getting involved with cat rescue in our new country - have made a few plans through speaking with rescue people who have cats to adopt -and that is helping me to feel a lot more positive.

I have asked about being kept updated about my other cats (I don't want photos, as I don't think I could cope with them, but I would like to know how they're doing and if they get sick and when they eventually die - this is the hardest part, I think - I can't bear not knowing how their lives will turn out). The charity isn't answering me, on that.

Sounds really hard but I also had to rehome a much loved cat I'd lived with for nearly six years when I left London and worked in remote Scotland in accommodation that was unsuitable.

Gutted but found him a gorgeous home via a vet notice board and visited him there once. He was just the same mad wee cat. Still loved chasing ping pong balls down the stairs at 4am, watching out of windows, small trips outside. Sofa lounging, sleeping in wardrobes and ruling the roost. I hadn't told the man that he liked all these things with me as I had moved and a friend was fostering til a home was found.

So I'd say if the charity are happy your cats are happy then let them enjoy the lifestyle to which they are accustomed! Going out, uk weather, new people to be there slaves.

I think they would be happy to see you if you were there, but I don't think they are sitting about reminiscing about you and missing you consciously when they can't see and smell you iykwim.

Cats live in the moment, getting another furry feline to love and a set of marvellous indoor cat trees where you are sounds brilliant.

I think it must be a shock and you are grieving your imagined future with them. Be gentle with yourself but know they are fine, not grieving, happy in their lives and there are other cats who need you too.

Thank you for that post, Lovethesea.

It's really very helpful - thanks.