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Having to say goodbye soon to my cat. What do I tell the DDs?

20 replies

Hadeda · 19/11/2013 13:06

My poor old girl is on her last throw of the dice. I hope it works but I am having to face up to the fact that she probably won't see Christmas.
We have two young DDs (4 and 5 years) and they are both fond of her.

Do I tell them before she goes?
I remember when I was young my mum had to have one of our cats put down and she didn't tell us until afterwards. She went to the vet while we were at school. Looking back I understand why - he was very much her cat, followed her everywhere, used to drape himself over her neck while she read the paper. I think my mum was so upset at letting him go that she didn't want to have to deal with our emotions too. But I was very upset by it, and I remember it even now.

So I'd like the DDs to be able to say goodbye but equally I don't want them to be upset by the anticipation. My mum passed away suddenly in July, and their great granddad (on DHs side) passed away in September. So they have some experience of death and know it is final and sad. Which is partly why I think perhaps I don't tell them until it's over. And partly I don't think they are old enough to understand euthanasia (ie we will know exactly when Molly will die but we didn't know with Grandma or Great Grandpa). That may well land up in their heads as "mommy/the vet killed Molly". But then I know DD2 in particular would be very very upset if she felt she hadn't given Molly a last cuddle.

I don't know. What do people do? She is the first pet I will have to put down. I really have no idea what's best.

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NewtRipley · 19/11/2013 19:11

Sorry about your cat.

I think I would definitely tell them before she goes.

My DH had a similar experience to you with his dog - no opportunity to say goodbye.

I think if you can get your head round euthanasia (which you obviously can, because you don't want her to suffer unnecessarily), then you can convey this to the DCs.

I'd say that the thing to stress is that unlike people, cats can tell us how they feel and we can only do what we think is best. That when cats can't eat, drink, or have lost interest in grooming then they are not happy and that's all we can go on.

At this point I'd lead up to it gently by mentioning how old she is but not much more until the day it's decided.

I think they will understand. I'm also absolutely sure the vet can give advice

We thought we were in this position a month or so ago with our old girl, so we took my DSs (10 and 13) along. The vet was brilliant.

NewtRipley · 19/11/2013 19:14

I'm also sorry you've had so much loss so recently.

My cat is also called Molly Smile

cozietoesie · 19/11/2013 19:36

Maybe see if you can get a copy of \link{http://www.amazon.co.uk/Goodbye-Mog-Judith-Kerr/dp/0007149697\Goodbye Mog} to read with them at some point. (I'd read it yourself first, though.)

bumbumsmummy · 20/11/2013 10:12

Hadeda so sorry about your girl,

I think telling them before will help with the grieving process also for you aswell

We choose a nice photo and frame to go with his little urn and it will have pride of place it really does help

catameringue · 20/11/2013 10:37

My dm explained about going down hill in old age and becoming frail. I remember saying but I don't want her to die and getting upset and dm saying she wouldn't today but sometime she will and therefore we must be nice to her and make her comfortable.

The old crone cat actually lasted a few years after that until I found her one day struggling to breathe. I went to my dm and said I think it's time. I was very upset that day but dm hadn't noticed she'd got worse over night. I understood that the deed had to be done despite being sad. Recognising she was suffering was worse.

I guess my tale is that I think knowledge helps you understand the situation as a child. They will be upset but it will make sense. We also held a funeral in the back garden, just me dm and sibling. I think I drew her a picture and put her favourite toy in her grave and some cat biscuits. Dm gave me a photo of her in a cheap frame. I'm a firm believer in being upfront and honest but explaining things to fit the age of the child. I intend to do the same with my own.

hellymelly · 20/11/2013 10:49

I would tell them that she is very old and frail and that she might die, and then if/when the time comes, explain either that she died, or that the vet gave her medicine that helped her die in a painless way, rather than the vet killing her. My dds did say goodbye to our dog, DH had taken him to the vet, the vet found a liver tumour bleeding out, and DH brought him home for half an hour for me to say Goodbye to him, the girls kissed and cuddled him, and then he was taken back to the vet to be pts.( He would have died later that day or the next anyway.) I am not sure if it was helpful, I think DD2 (then aged nearly 5) found it really distressing seeing him go off an knowing he wasn't coming back alive. She didn't want to see him buried for instance, and she is the one who has been most upset long term (it is 18 m since he died). Maybe ask your children in advance what they would like to do if/when your cat dies?
I am sorry your pet is so unwell, and hope she does go on a bit longer. (I have had several cats return a few times from death's door).

Hadeda · 20/11/2013 14:47

Thank you all for your thoughts (and thank your Newt for your second post). I will not be sorry to see the back of 2013!

I'll start talking to them about her being old and frail and that one day she might die. Hopefully it will make it a little easier if/when it does happen. I like the idea of some sort of memorial and I think that might be something for DD2 (who is a real softie) to latch onto. We are in the process of moving house (we hope!) so perhaps we could plant something in our new garden just for her.
(And there again, hopefully she'll rally and come with us to the new house and find a spot in the grass to poop right where everyone is likely to walk as she does now!)

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littleblackno · 20/11/2013 22:27

Aw, really sorry to hear about your cat. Flowers I went through this a few months ago with my kids. My dd (5.5 at the time) found the cat in her room unable to move one morning, he'd had a blood clot. I'll be honest I knew it wasn't good immediately but didn't want to say that to the kids (ds aged 7) before taking them to school. I put the cat in the car to take to the vets and made sure the kids gave him a cuddle and a kiss before they went to school then I took him to the vet where he was put to sleep. I told the kids when they came home.

I guess the difference was, this was unexpected so i didn't have time to prepare them and didn't want them having to go to school knowing it may happen and spending all day worrying.
After I told them we went and bought some flowers and laid them in the garden where he liked to sit and talked about our favourite memories of him, we also planet a flower (but i'm not sure my gardening skills have mantained it Blush )

IsItMeOr · 20/11/2013 22:38

Thanks for this thread, as we are likely to have this situation at some point relatively soon. Our Dcat is 19 and has kidney failure and thyroid problems, but as others have said, she has rallied earlier this year when we thought she was on the way out.

DS is 4.10. He understands that Dcat is very old and she will probably die quite soon. It helps to have your thoughts on how to approach it with him.

I would like to try and get a photo of them together, while she is still looking like herself.

Not sure we have the skills to maintain a plant either Blush.

HesterShaw · 21/11/2013 19:44

This thread is making me weep. The Mog link is making me weep harder.

Very sorry for all your losses. I'm dreading the day when it comes, and can't bear to think how we will make the decision.

IsItMeOr · 22/11/2013 19:46

(gently pats Hester)

DH was very wavery reading some of Always and Forever the other night. He was trying to toughen us up before we needed to share it with DS, but had us both snivelling.

Hadeda · 22/11/2013 23:08

I'm with you Hester - I don't think I could read that Mog book, never mind if the DDs could manage it...!

On the plus side, Molly's new medicine seems to be working. She had seconds of dinner yesterday and today - whereas she was barely eating at the start of the week. She weighs just 2.8kg so really needs to put on some weight. So maybe, hopefully, it's a while before I need to buy her a memorial plant...

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 22/11/2013 23:35

Well that's good news - about the seconds.

Smile
HesterShaw · 23/11/2013 10:21

Well done HadedaCat :)

Hadeda · 16/12/2013 14:59

After such a positive 10 days my poor Molly started vomiting again. So the last throw of the dice hasn't worked. I am taking her to the vet this afternoon to say goodbye. I am dreading it and I feel so guilty, I wish I could do more for her. I know logically I can't but I still feel I've failed her. And I wish, wish, wish I could talk to my mum about it.
Life. When it sucks it really sucks.

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cozietoesie · 16/12/2013 15:02

No reason to feel guilty, Hadeda. You've done nearly as much for her as you can and this will now be the final loving kindness.

Have you someone to take you or pick you up?

Hadeda · 16/12/2013 15:04

No, just me. I've arranged for the DD2 to be out and DH is at work. I want it to be as quiet and stress free for her as I can make it. And then I want to come home and have a cup of tea and cry before I see the children.

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Hadeda · 16/12/2013 15:07

Cozietoes - my mum ran a play group with that name years ago!

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cozietoesie · 16/12/2013 15:07

OK - although I'd recommend you get a taxi if you can. You may not be driving well.

Take care of yourself.

Hadeda · 16/12/2013 15:14

That's a good point. I'll see if my neighbour is around.

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