6yo grieving for our dead cat :(

[SuseB]

Our cat (1yr old tabby from rescue centre) was run over at the end of May. Very sad, he was missing for a few days then someone found him and phoned us having seen our poster. We buried him in the garden at home, DC saw the (unmangled side) of the body and helped to decorate the grave with flowers. We are a very open family so had lots of frank discussions about death, and acceptance of everyone's feelings - my husband was very attached to the cat too and took it fairly hard.

My 6yo DD is (still) truly heartbroken. Every night before bed she's inconsolable for ages, agonising over his last moments, stringing together tangled theories of reincarnation, cat heaven, 'spirits' etc. We're not a religious family and I'm struggling to help her understand death as a natural part of a normal life when she's so desperately hoping for him to somehow 'come back'. She keeps saying that she just wants him back, even though logically she knows that's impossible. She's been crying about him at school, and has periods of real despondency about it at frequent intervals. We have another cat whom she loves but isn't a cat that will sleep on her bed or lap. We will eventually get another cat but this isn't an option till later in the summer as we're away for a fortnight at the beginning of the holidays. I had thought she might start to feel better as time healed her grief, but it still seems very raw for her :(

Any thoughts/suggestions much appreciated. I've also tried encouraging her to write/draw about him which has resulted in many hearts with his name in appearing around the house. She's also made a memory box for him that she mourns over. I wonder if I should somehow be helping her to move on from this but not sure how! She's nearly 7 btw, not a young 6, and can read - I bought her Goodnight Mog and a teacher gave her a book about Cat Heaven. Not sure they're helping, TBH.

TIA for any help.

Is this her first experience of death, SuseB?

Cozietoesie - yes, it is really. Her great-gran, who she knew but didn't see frequently, died a year or so ago but this has had much more impact. :(

That wouldn't likely have impacted, I think.

It's a long time to be quite so upset at that age and I'm not sure there's anything more you could have done. However.

I'm reluctant to engage in lower deck psychology but is it possible that your and your DH's emotion is feeding hers and keeping it going longer than it otherwise might ? Equally, and forgive me, might she be transferring thoughts about loss to your and your DH's presence? (I don't know if she has otherwise been a secure and confident child.)

I suspect that another cat - to be her own - is needed. it's not something I would normally think out loud but this may be an exception.

Maybe try on one of the other boards as well SuseB? This looks as if it might run a smidge deeper than the loss even of a much loved pet.

My DS2 was similar after the death of our 16 year old cat when he was aged 10. I feared he was developing full blown depression, he cried every night the cat went to bed with him under his arm like a teddy at night and he couldn't remember otherwise.

Like you we had another cat, but that wasn't his "friend" like the one that died, we hadn't planned to get another cat, but ended up getting a kitten about 2 months later, it did help, but in hindsight there were other things going on in his life at the time that contributed to his feelings about losing the cat. He had undiagnosed ASD and ADD, was finding things difficult at school anyway and being picked on by another child, who had taunted him whilst the cat was ill saying that it would die.

I am not saying there is anything like that going on with your daughter, but I do wish that I had realised at the time that the other factors were involved with his grief. I don't think he will ever forget her, he still has her photo in his bedroom 6 years later.