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What to tell DS - cat might be dead? Please help.

23 replies

whethergirl · 02/06/2013 12:15

I am distraught.
Our gorgeous cat has been missing for a few days. It's only me and DS, he completed our little family.

I've just seen a poster on a nearby fence describing our cat, saying he'd been knocked over and the person has buried them in their garden. I tried to call but there was no answer. I'm pretty sure it's him Sad Sad.

DS caught me reading the first bit of the poster out aloud (he is 8 but dyslexic and can't read), but I stopped when it came to the horrible part. So he knows I need to contact the poster person today.

DS has already cried for the last few days because he has missed him so much. If I confirm that it is our cat, do I tell him the truth, or do I try and make it easier for him, and lie and say something else - I don't know what!

It would be very hard for me to keep it from him tbh because I'll be so upset. But I'll do it if it makes it easier for him.

We both love him so very much. He was like a dog, would follow us everywhere.

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Smartieaddict · 02/06/2013 12:19

I am sorry to hear about your cat! I would sit your DS down and tell him the truth once you have found out for sure. Unfortunately the down side of having pets is that they do generally die before us. Sad though it is most children handle it well.

whethergirl · 02/06/2013 12:20

Also the person said they'd buried the cat in their garden. Would he have decomposed by now? Is it too late to have him in our garden?

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whethergirl · 02/06/2013 12:21

I actually don't think I can pretend. I can't keep the tears in.

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whethergirl · 02/06/2013 12:22

I don't think ds will handle it very well. He already going through a bad phase with anxiety/fear. He kept having nightmares about our cat dying, I would tell him it's only a dream.

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sybilfaulty · 02/06/2013 12:22

I an so sorry. I agree that the truth is the best option once you know for sure. Children are much more resilient than we think sometimes and he will probably be ok sooner than later.

Thinking of you.

sybilfaulty · 02/06/2013 12:23

Have you got a copy of Goodbye Mog? Different circumstances but soothing and comforting.

Wishiwasanheiress · 02/06/2013 12:24

The truth. Cat was lost. Cat was hit. Someone nice looked after him.

Hold goodbye ceremony in your own garden. Plant tree etc to remember him by.

He will be fine, I promise xxx

SummerRainIsADistantMemory · 02/06/2013 12:26

Kids do generally take it fairly well.

I've always gone for 'x was really badly hurt and his body was too sore for him so the part of him that made him x left the body behind and isn't sore anymore now. He's happy again but unfortunately we can't cuddle him or play with him anymore'

Goodbye mog is a lovely book about losing a cat and getting a new kitten.

Wishiwasanheiress · 02/06/2013 12:26

He will have dreams about dying. They all do, just part of growing up. He will honestly be fine with it just give him a bit of time and let him ask questions and let him see your upset and you all still love each other xxx

cozietoesie · 02/06/2013 12:29

A kind thing for the other person to do - take him in and bury him themselves.

If you establish that it was your boy, I'd ask them for a little bit of the earth from his grave and tell DS (if needed) that his spirit is in that. Then put the earth in your own garden. I've done that myself with my own boys when moving house.

changeditforthis · 02/06/2013 12:34

Dd had become convinced her Guinea pig was going to die. I assured her she was fine and then a few days later I found said guinea pig dead. She was old. It was awful telling dd and she really cried but she got over it and we did a little guinea grave. If this is your cat your ds will be sad but that is okay and he will stop feeling so sad eventually. I'm sorry this happened to you, my pets mean so much to me too. X

whethergirl · 02/06/2013 12:36

I just called, and could hardly speak to the person, I was blubbering so much. I think she was quite taken back but I couldn't keep it together.

I asked if I could come round and she said no, she had guests and they were sitting down to lunch.

So we have to wait an hour Sad

I broke down and told ds

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cozietoesie · 02/06/2013 12:40

So sorry. How did DS react?

Madamecastafiore · 02/06/2013 12:56

Tell him the truth.

sybilfaulty · 02/06/2013 13:55

Well done for making the call. DS will be terribly upset but he will be fine and so will you. A garden ceremony and nice plant would be a wonderful way of remembering your lovely pet.

Sending you hugs at this horrible time.

PipkinsPal · 02/06/2013 14:02

I'm sorry, but it is thoughtfull of the person who found your puss to put up a poster that he has been found even though the outcome is not nice. At least you will never be wondering what happened to him. Flowers

whethergirl · 02/06/2013 18:32

Thank you everyone.

We went round and showed the lady a photo of our cat, she confirmed it was him. We went and sat in her garden next to his grave for ages. I took some of the earth - thanks for the idea cozietozie - and ds wants to put it in a special container.

We had a good cry together. I told DS he could do whatever he wanted for the rest of the day, he wanted to get his mind off it. He alternated between being upset and then being distracted by a computer game. You know how kids are in the moment.

I had a look at the Goodbye Mog book, it looks lovely, I'm not sure how DS will feel about it though, he didn't want to look at photos of our cat and even told me to stop crying as it makes him more upset. He says that he can feel our cat is still here, in our hearts.

His food bowl is sitting there and there are cat hairs still on the sofa Sad

I'm taking a day off uni tomorrow (inset day for ds) and we'll spend the day together doing nice things and perhaps having a ceremony.

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JakeBullet · 02/06/2013 18:47

I am so sorry Sad. Like you, we are a family of me, DS and cats. DS is like your DS and worries about them.

I think what you are doing is absolutely lovely. I have some Rosemary in a pot in the back garden which someone bought me after my old cat died (Rosemary for Remembrance she said).

The hardest thing is all the reminders left behind. It WILL get easier, we lost our last cat to a road accident so I know what a shock it is. Be comforted that he won't have suffered, cats hit by cars are usually killed outright but it's no comfort to the whole process of grieving and missing them.

Perhaps keep some of his fur or gather it up and plant it with the soil and a plant in the back garden. Also have a read of the Rainbow Bridge here, it made me cry worse but was also oddly comforting to think about our pets waiting for us.

cozietoesie · 02/06/2013 19:04

Well coped, whethergirl. All the best to you and DS.

pigsDOfly · 02/06/2013 20:20

So sorry to hear this whethergirl.

So much good advice on here.

I had to have my old boy PTS last year. It's very raw at the moment for you but it does get easier.

Just wanted to wish you well.

lurkedtoolong · 03/06/2013 00:06

So sorry for your loss. How lovely of your neighbour to show him that last bit of love.

Very best to you and DS Flowers

whethergirl · 03/06/2013 00:32

Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

That's a lovely poem JakeBullet, thank you.

I can't stop crying about him, miss him so much. He was very much a part of our lives. I bought him when DS complained that without a dad or siblings, he didn't feel we were a proper family. He really filled that gap, always playful, so good natured. He would sit next to DS as he played for hours at a time. Quite often when we left the house to go out, he would follow us down the road miaowing and I'd have to shoo him back!

He was so well behaved, I only had to say "NO" once and he would never repeat the same behaviour. He was so loving. I keep expecting to turn around and see him at his favourite spot on the sofa Sad

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cozietoesie · 03/06/2013 00:36

They leave a huge hole in our lives and our hearts. It will take a bit for you to think of him with only smiles.

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