INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
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How to give your cat a pill
(1) Pick the cat up and cradle it in the crook of your arm as if holding a baby.
Position your forefinger and thumb of the opposite hand on either side
of the cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to the cheeks while
holding a pill within your hand. As the cat opens its mouth, pop in the pill.
Allow the cat to close its mouth and swallow.
(2) Retrieve the pill from the floor and the cat behind the sofa.
Cradle the cat in your arms and repeat the process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
(3) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in arms holding rear paws tightly.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
(4) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold its head firmly with one hand while forcing ruler into mouth,
drop pill down ruler and rub cat?s throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Make note to repair curtains and buy new ruler.
Sweep shattered remains of Doulton figures from hearth,
put to one side for gluing later. Take new pill from foil wrap.
(5) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force open cat?s mouth with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pills are not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band aid to spouse?s forearm,
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighbour?s shed. Get another pill.
(6) Place cat in cupboard, close door onto neck leaving head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon and flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage, put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw away T-shirt; get a fresh one from the bedroom.
Call fire station to retrieve cat from tree across the road and apologise
to neighbour that crashed his car into a fence while avoiding cat.
(7) Take last pill from foil wrap. Tie cat?s front paws to its rear paws with garden twine,
and bind firmly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Force open cat?s mouth with small spanner, push pill into mouth followed
by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat?s head up and pour half pint water
down to help wash pill down.
Get spouse to drive you to hospital emergency,
sit patiently while Doctor puts stitches in forefinger and forearm,
and removes remnants of pill from your right eye.
Call into furniture shop on way home to place an order for new dining table.
And finally??. Call RSPCA for them to collect cat,
call local pet shop to enquire after a dog.
A lump of cheese is all you need to give a dog a pill.