We're coming to the end, what to say to DD - age 3

[LadyBeckenham]

It's looking like the end is approaching for my old boy. He has heart failure and there's not much more to do, I suspect I will have him PTS soon.

How do I deal with this with DD (3)? I don't lie to her (matter of policy) and we don't do God. Idon't want to scare her by saying he went to sleep and didn't wake up in case she extrapolates to her/us. She has never known anyone die before, and I don't think she has any concept of what it means.

What do I do? It's bad enough breaking my own heart, never mind DDs. :(

This is probably not going to help you as it's what I told DS last year when he was only 2 about one of cats being PTS - we said she was too unwell to stay with us & went to a special garden & that she couldn't come back. Actually I think it was more to help me as I embellished the garden theory in my own head a lot to try to make it hurt less. I expect there are books or something online on this as it must be quite common, and someone else on here will have better advice, maybe even your vet? We made sure DS said goodbye to our cat beforehand & have had pictures around. Sorry you are in this situation, it is so sad despite knowing rationally it is for the best.

My DCs found things relatively easy to deal with at that age and TBH it was quickly forgotten. I don't lie either - my mum did about one of her cats and it caused so much confusion then a lot of upset afterwards when they found out. I just do the "he was old, and ill, and this time the vet couldn't fix him and he died". When asked where he was I go with the "his body is buried in the garden, but the magic bit that made him work goes somewhere else". This kind of satisfies the beliefs in our house - DH believes heaven, I believe lives on in my heart and there is nothing at 'the end'. I often liken the body to a toy that doesn't have it's batteries. They seemed to understand that.

DS (6) has talked a lot about our cat who died a couple of months ago. He has wanted to know how he looked when he died, where his 'soul' had gone (told him only cat would know, it's the secret we don't find out until we die, but his soul lives on in our thoughts about him) and this usually kicks up thoughts about us dying etc. Most recently he asked EXACTLY how did he die. I then told him we had him put to sleep and explained the process and said he was with me the whole time etc. I hadn't told him about this straight away, as I was concerned he would see this as me "killing" the cat when his grief was so strong.

Basically, I try to answer truthfully where possible. I do tell them there is a lot of things I don't know, and nobody does for sure. But it's just a part of life that's not nice and we have to get on with it. I also told DS that it's normal to have the awful feeling in your stomach that hurts - he was quite concerned by that. And that it's normal to feel angry, or tearful, or guilty (that he didn't play with him much) or even to forget he's gone momentarily. All of these things came as a surprise to him. DD (4.5) mourned for about 30 mins and then requested a puppy ;-)

Hope things go well, sorry to hear about your cat.

Oops, massive waffle response (again!) lol. Other thing.. there is a book called "goodbye mog" that he read when he was wee. However, when recent cat died he clearly had it in mind and was devasted at the thought of getting a new pet to 'replace' our cat. He was also concerned about the cats ghost floating about the house. Both things from the book!

Sorry about your cat.

I was going to say something very much like Suzi just did.

Be straightforward - this is actually an age where they usually can deal with death pretty matter-of-factly.

Thanks everyone. Just picked him up from an overnight at the vets and he doesn't look great :( very sad, but trying to look on the bright side - he is nearly 16 and has had a lovely pampered life and we have done all we could.

I have seen Goonight Mog, but started blubbing in the shop just reading it, and this was a while back.

I like the batteries idea - she understands batteries (but will probably ask why we can't recharge them!). We will probably have him cremated, but also like the idea of a soul - ie 'some people believe this'.

My Mum lied about one of our cats when I was younger, maybe 8 or so? She said he had run away when actually he was hit by a bus outside our house, and I can see why she did it, but I don't think it's the right way to go.

Anyway, now I'm waffling!

Thanks for all your tips. :)

Had my poor old boy PTS tonight.

RIP Big lad :( xx

my kids found stroking their bodies and assisting in the burial VERY helpful in understanding the whole thing (6 and 4 when Psycho Sis died - 9 and 7 when Old cat went)

I'm so sorry.

My 3 year old was matter of fact about our boy being pts - we said he had gone to the vet, that the vet couldn't make him better and he had died, but that we would always remember and be happy for the time we had together.

Really sorry to hear he's no longer with you, but there is no kinder thing than that most difficult of tasks at the end. The ultimate kindness. RIP LadyBeckenham's cat.

sorry you have had to say good bye.
The hurt must be enormous at the mometn..

We too decided not to lie to our son when we had our cat pts.
it was just clear that we all wanted the cat to stop hurting.
Saying good bye was the only way possible.

The cats have all been planted in mum and dad's orchard and I think for us that has helped.

I think a 3 year old can handle the death of a pet way better than, say, an 8 year old or an adult. Pre-schoolers are still developing their empathy skills.

being able to sit next to old cats grave stone - and watch the new cats sunbathe on it as he did before we planted him under it - has been good for all of us

I was chatting to him today

Hope you're all OK.

I'm so sorry LadyB. xx

Im sorry LadyB ((un-mumsnet hugs))