Basic Rules for Cats

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

Basic Rules For Those Cats Who Have A House To Run

CHAIRS & RUGS
If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage it in time, get to an oriental rug. If no oriental rug is available, shagpile is good.

DOORS
Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow and during the mosquito season.

GUESTS
There are five (5) basic rules for visitors: 1) Determine which guest hates cats the most; sit on that humans lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish Glop on your breath, so much the better. 2) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trousers, select a fabric colour which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white-furred cats go very well with black wool clothing. 3) For the guest who claims, I love kitties, be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. 4) When walking among dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey the thought. But you allow me on the table when company isn't here. 5) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

WORK
If one of your humans is sewing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. The following are the rules for hampering: 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a much better chance of getting stepped on, picked up and consoled. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the humans eyes and the book, unless, of course, you can lie directly across the book itself.

PLAY
Play is important. Get enough sleep during the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch mouse on your humans bed between 2:00 & 4:00 a.m.

NOTE
Begin training early. You will then have a smoothly running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent

Oh gosh, you've made me laugh. Reminds me when I was studying and spoilt persian quite happily curled up on the open book in front of me. They're b***ds really, aren't they?

Very funny and so incredibly true. Great post.

So so true especially the one about books.

Perhaps consider adding:

Remember the laptop is merely an interloper taking up YOUR space on YOUR human's lap. Walk all over it, push it away and make it very clear their duty lies with you not the plastic interloper. (This is especially crucial if they are trying to work to a deadline!)

Also don't forget to change your routine a lot. The humans love it when you don't come home at the usual time. Also don't forget to turn your nose up at the food you have loved for weeks just after the human has been to Pets at Home and bought it in bulk.

don't forget the presents. You will get plenty of attention for any sort of living or once living creature you can bring inside for them. The most fun can usually be had from a live mouse of frog that you can chase round the house where they have limited space to escape.

no matter how much food is in the food bowl, fresh food must be added every morning and afternoon. parade around any human in the kitchen mewing sweetly to them if it is any time of the morning/afternoon and you have not seen fresh food being put out - it must be done in your precense.

Love it!

Make sure you find a large fixed-to-the-floor white machine thing in the kitchen (like a 'boiler', 'washing machine' etc) that you can JUST manage to squeeze yourself behind at the first sight of the dreaded box for the VET. It goes without saying that you must know a way you can get yourself out when this thing has been put away again, but your owner won't know that.
Once all the shouting, hair pulling, swearing has died down, and possibly someone called a Plumber has pitched up, squeeze yourself out and gallantly pull all that nasty fluff stuff off your coat on your owners bed.

When your human buys a newspaper it will be in a neat folded pile. The newspaper will then trouble the human by quadrupling in size, and the poor human will just sit there transfixed in front of it, holding it and looking it up and down.
It is your job to show the newspaper who is boss and help your human out by trampling up and down on the paper, thereby flattening it again.
If you can make some holes in it while you're at it your human is more likely to be able to overcome the paper and flatten it into the recycling bin themselves.
This will free up attention/lap space for yourself, as well as providing a useful service to your human.

Oh, and if your litter tray has not been changed in the last five minutes, the best way to alert your human is to do a large smelly crap on the floor right next to the litter tray. The fragrance will then draw your human directly to the source of your displeasure.

The small humans just love it when you come in straight out of the wet garden and walk over their homework.

If your human is using the laptop, the keyboard is a warm place to sit - and will ensure you get LOTS of attention.

When coming in from the muddy garden ,climb up the white towels drying on the radiator with your wet paws

Practise physics by finding the largest live pigeon you can and attempting to drag it through the cat flap. Double your fun if you can get the pigeon to squeeze behind the baseboards in the kitchen so your human will have to dismantle the kitchen before the pigeon a) dies and b) starts to rot & smell.
Remember to demand to be fed during this time or - even better - get lost behind the baseboards yourself!

Always have a store of mud, so that even in hot weather when it hasnt rained for weeks you can still leave muddy prints over the sofa and work top.

When your owner has told everyone on mumsnet how good you are with wormers refuse all wormers so that your owner has wasted £7 and you have to have drop on wormers. Being contrary is the essence of being feline. Look balefull whilst refusing tablets just for good measure.

Insist on a hot water bottle at night, if you are not happy with your bed bang on the french doors until they get up and come down to sort it out.

Ignore anyone who does not feed you. They matter not.

Don't forget to run in front of your human's car as they drive into the drive. They think that's hilarious.

If you should find that your appetite is sated before you have quite devoured your mouse / rabbit / rat, be sure to offer the remains to your human. See how quickly they respond to that muffled meow sound as you come through the cat flap.

Especially important is to always leave the gall bladder of a victim in the middle of a room so that your human can keep track of how useful you are for controlling vermin population.

It is important to leg it down the garden with the headless magpie before the human has chance to shut the patio door.

If they buy you a water fountain, dont use it. Puddles are much better.

If you want to stay on the bed all night long, curl around food ladies head, the other one (who seems to have some sort of relationship with her too) will not want to wake her up by moving you. Show appreciation by purring loudly and digging your claws into her scalp every time she turns over.

If they shut the bedroom door on a saturday afternoon start with the questioning miaow, then the loud one, then the mournful one. Stop miaowing when they open the door and walk off. Whatever they were trying to do, they have given up on it now. They may be slightly irritated with you.

If your main staff member is a vet develop new and incredible ways to avoid medication so that your staff member has to get even more inventive. Then hope a situation comes alone that forces your staff member to to confess at work that they medicate you with the aid of chessy wotsits.
If you have a water fountain spend hours flicking the water across the room.
If the staff insist on also having a dog make sure that you beat it to a pulp on a at least a daily basis.
Remember at all times that this is an upstairs downstairs and that all humans are your staff and should be treated with the disdain they deserve. If you have even a hint of pedigree cat in you this disdain should be magnified ten fold.

This just in. Leave your favourite ball in the second stair down from the top. This will allow your human to experience Olympic level tumbling in the comfort of your home.

Projected furballing

Hold it until your human thinks they have time to remove you from the best upholstery / carpet / cushion...then release

If your previous crapping over the side of the litter tray hint has been ignored, ensure that on your next visit to the tray you get a huge pawfull of poo and walk it as far as you can around the house.Paying particular attention if possible to light coloured carpets and bed linen.......

Basically you can do whatever you like cos the humans will love you anyway (fools!). No matter how frazzled the lady human in the house is she will always be up for a cuddle and a wet nose in the face.

Do try and sleep in the middle of the bed rather than the edge, much less opportunity for you to be nudged off the edge, and if you can get under the covers there is much more scope for accidentally poking the man human in the bollocks with a pointy claw

Computer touch screens respond well to tail waving and ear flicking. Your human's reaction will fill in a few dull moments.