Struggling to bond

[Supras]

Hi, I have a German shepherd who is 3.5. I got him when he was 8 months after a lot of encouragement from my ex husband. He was supposed to help with care, training, exercise and unfortunately for me and the dog he did none of this.

I felt lumbered with a difficult breed, teenage dog who became reactive to other dogs and very difficult for me to handle.
I spent a year or more glued to YouTube training videos, paying thousands for training, spending hours of my time learning and training with no support from DH.

To add insult to injury the dog trainer tells me I've done a fantastic job and can handle him fine with no barking and lunging, DH could handle him fine too. Where I still now struggle. Regardless of tools used, when he kicks off I can't move, I don't have the strength to continue walking, I have no choice but to plant my feet and hang on.

For this and many more reasons I ditched the DH in March this year. He wants nothing to do with the dog and I'm left in a small terrace house on a busy main road with my parents, sharing my room with the dog, and the garden with 3 neighbours.

My parents can't help because he's too strong for them, we have had numerous incidents during this year which have left me having to fetch our post from the sorting office, I'm being sued for the dog jumping up the postman. The dogs been ill with the stress costing me hundreds more.
I work full time and I feel pretty hopeless when it comes to the dog.

He is actually a sweet boy and his personality under his breed instincts is calm, loving, affectionate. But although I do love him to an extent, I have never really bonded with him. I feel terribly guilty because I don't want him. I feel like he controls my life, he upsets me, annoys me, stresses me out and I feel like other people have had all the benefits of my training, the cuddles, the playtime while all I get is the feeding, walking, training and I don't get those nice moments.

I spoke to my trainer about rehoming him but he was quite adamant that the best home for him is with me because he's bonded to me and I've done the training but I just don't feel like I have that bond back. I think that likely it's because I've just had all the hard work of the dog and not the nice parts, that I felt burdened with him with no support. And maybe that's why he is still reactive when I walk him.. I don't know the reason really.

I'm sure other people must have been in this position before. What did you do? How did it work out?

I'm not in a position to move to a more suitable house for the dog as DH also left me with £25k of business loans in my name that I have to pay off.

Thanks for reading such a long post...

Please just re home him - he is a dog he will get over it

PS beware of the posters coming on telling you that you are being harsh for feeling this way - there’s a few hardcore dog lovers on here -

@Supras Hard as it would be, I would rehome him. You have set the groundwork for any potential owner to continue with & strengthen his training. Make sure you go through either a rescue centre or even better a breed specific shelter. It sounds like you have given your dog everything despite everything that has gone on.
Oh, and if the trainer thinks he's such a good dog, why doesn't he take him on?

I don't want him. I feel like he controls my life, he upsets me, annoys me, stresses me out and I feel like other people have had all the benefits of my training, the cuddles, the playtime while all I get is the feeding, walking, training and I don't get those nice moments

You don't want him. He knows you don't want him - the kindest thing for both of you is to re home.

Try a breed specific rescue, they will find someone who understands him and has the time and commitment to continue the training you have started.

He needs rehoming, just contact some rescues.

PS beware of the posters coming on telling you that you are being harsh for feeling this way - there’s a few hardcore dog lovers on here -

Surely 'hardcore dog lovers' would tell OP her behaviourist/trainer is a prat and useless and almost certainly part of the problem? Good behaviourists/trainers do not guilt trip people into keeping dogs they're not suited for.

Tell the trainer that you don't want to work with him/her anymore. Then re-home the dog, OP. No one should have to live with an animal they don't love. And go to a breed specific rescue (not Battersea, Blue Cross, Dogs Trust, RSPCA - they have GSD types that sit there for years because they don't 'work' on the dog whilst it's there, and then they become un-homeable).

I see a lot of dogs being re-homed and, with a few very rare examples (where the owner simply had a change of circumstances and its not fair on the dog to keep living with them, or the owner has died) the dogs just crack on with life in their new home relatively quickly.

I agree with everyone else - re-home him. Dogs know when you don’t like them and aren’t that into them.

Thank you for the messages. You have confirmed what I was thinking might be the right thing to do. My mum will be very upset as she is quite attached to him but she obviously can't care for him without me doing all the donkey work.

The trainer doesn't know how detached from the dog I feel. it was a few months ago I spoke to him and I hoped it was just all the stress of the situation making me feel like I do. So I didn't tell him that part. I probably should have another chat to him as he sometimes does re-home dogs for people. I think at a push he would take him but he already has a few rescues as well as his own dogs and a boarding business.

It looks like the hardcore dog lovers have gone easy on me 😂 but I can't help how I feel and I have put all my time energy and money in to him despite how I feel 😅 he's my responsibility and I take that very seriously.

I'll have a think and a chat to the trainer and go from there. I'll contact some rescues too.

Thanks for all your input.

Please rehome via specific breed rescue. They will find the right home for him.
Don’t beat yourself up, just do the right thing for you all

I am a trainer/behaviourist

The person (I refuse to call him a trainer) you’ve been seeing is a moron. an owner at the end of tether, who physically cannot hold the dog,who has spent considerable time and money attempting to fix the issues and causing both of them massive stress is NOT in the best interests of anyone. Including the dog
With my cynical hat on though, knowing there are some absolute shockers out there purporting to know wtf they are doing ……Guilt tripping you into continuing? Well that keeps long term client.