40 weeks pregnant and grieving our dog after a terrible accident

[bubblecity]

I’m not a regular poster on here, I mainly just lurk but I need to get this out somehow without traumatising my husband over it again and again.

I am 40 weeks pregnant and this past Friday was my due date. Our dogs were out with their dog walker in the afternoon when we got a call that one of our dogs had run off and he couldn’t be found. This was very out of character for him so my husband drove to the area where they were to help look. Eventually I decided I’d join as well but halfway there I got the call that our dog had been found but he’d been struck by a car. I saw him on the opposite side of the motorway as I drove there in hopes he’d somehow still be alive and that we could still save him. When I got there, our dog walker was hysterical, I was hysterical and my husband just about kept it together for my sake.

I posted in a community group looking for my dog and every single commenter piled onto me about how I shouldn’t have let my dog go with a stranger. I want to make it clear that the dog walker is not a stranger to our dogs. They knew him very well and are submissive to him. We do also walk the dogs ourselves in the morning but I am too heavily pregnant and they are too energetic for me to keep up on my own with them. He had just turned four and we’d had him since he was a puppy. We all love him a lot but I felt like he was my soul dog.

I’m really struggling to get myself to a stable enough place to have this baby and to even look forward to what should be such a happy time in our lives. In a way I don’t want to stabilise because I don’t want to stop thinking about him. I’m scared I won’t be able to enjoy our new baby and I’m scared that I will enjoy her so much that I forget my dog. I have moments where I can fake it long enough that my toddler son doesn’t notice. I feel like I am grieving so loud that my husband isn’t getting enough space to grieve as well. Our other dog doesn’t even seem to notice that someone is missing. Everything reminds us of our precious dog. Genuinely everywhere we look is a trigger because we took our dogs everywhere with us and he was virtually never out of our sight.

If you got this far, thank you. I don’t know what I’m asking for here other than reassurance that at some point the pain will be less sharp. Advice? A hand hold? I’m a mess and I don’t know how to carry on during such a vulnerable time.

It’s so traumatising isn’t it 😔

I got some good advice from different sources when I was so physically sick with grief.

Here are some of the things I did.

First few days I printed out photos everywhere and made a little memorial area in the lounge. I WFH and he was at my feet for years in my office. So I plastered his photos there too and even brought his beautiful little heart shaped urn into whatever room I went. Turns out this is NOT what I should have done. My nervous system was being relentlessly triggered by seeing all the reminders of him. I was advised to remove all reminders of him (god it felt disloyal to do this) and just have one photo in the lounge. So I did this and I did feel slightly less throttled by grief.

Next I couldn’t sleep because in acute grief, your mind starts scanning for them even when you don’t know it is. So I’d wake up with a bolt and felt sick with dread. I reset by taking antihistamine Phenergan for a week (not sure you can have that pregnant?) and I banned all tv and screens at night. I made myself read a novel instead.

Then I was told to buy a weighted soft toy. This was for two reasons. I could not get through a work day without him periodically coming to lay his head on my knees at my desk. It was excruciatingly hard to see his empty bed and not feel his fluffy head in my lap. So I rearranged the furniture in the office, bought a big plant, removed his bed. And I thought a weighted Sloth. This is basically a large soft toy with weighted glass beads inside it. It works through deep compression which calms the nervous system. And I have to say - we all love the weighted Sloth! It was also to create a feeling on pressure on my knees whilst I worked, like the pressure he used to make when he put his head there. I basically strapped that Sloth to me and took it everywhere for a week in the house 😂 Yes I looked insane. The kids didn’t care. They made it a baby carrier from a shawl. It’s madness but it worked. I place it on my chest every night and it still calms me when I feel the rising panic.

I’m not fully there yet and I doubt I ever will be because he changed my life when he came into it. He will be forever an ache in my soul. But I can now see moments of light and I know he had the best ever life with us and he was dearly loved. That gives me some comfort.

Sending the biggest hugs. And highly recommend you buy a weighted teddy!

Oh OP what a horrid thing for you to have to go through when heavily pregnant. I've got 2 spaniels and they're my absolute world, they're the most special dogs. But your dog died only ever having known love, remember that.

Your baby will be the perfect distraction, just look after yourself in the coming days.

I am so very sorry ,how truly awful .
I lost my own beautiful precious soul of a dog a couple of weeks ago but not in an accident like yours and i know nothing at all can prepare you for this.
I am missing mine so much it hurts.
Every now and again in life you come across a dog who is a special one , i know you can love all your dogs but you know what i mean , i promise you that you and i and everyone missing their dogs will get to a place in time where we can think about them with a smile and our grief and sadness will get easier to bear.
They give us so much unconditional love and leave behind so many wonderful memories.

I’m so sorry for your loss, there is no pain like it, I also lost my dog far too young and it is so hard to bear. It is ok to be heartbroken. You will learn to keep on going and you will learn how to be happy and sad at the same time.

Hi,
I found your post after searching for similar experiences to mine. I’m currently 26weeks pregnant and about 5 weeks ago my young soul dog was hit by a car in front of me.
Im really struggling and my thoughts have gone very existential. I’m finding it hard to find the good in my pregnancy and excitement about my baby being born.
Im just reaching out to know if for you it got better? Whether the awful feelings eventually subsided. I know they will never fully go away and I will forever be changed, but I just wanted to hear how it’s been for you?
I could really use the advice/insight because everything seems so bleak right now.

I am so, so sorry, @Vermellith - I have no advice but my heart goes out to you. It might be worth speaking to someone at the Blue Cross pet bereavement service or joining their Facebook group. They were very helpful when I lost my soul dog.

I lost my beautiful 4 yr old dog less than a year ago. A medical issue out of the blue. The pain was indescribable.
I wrote to him in my diary every day. I have his ashes, photo and paw print near me.
I still miss him so much and it feels unfair. However, I have been able to give a good home to a lovely bitch who was in kennels for the second time. She has been a salve to my broken heart.
I think the joy of a new baby would help to ease the pain but you will never forget your dog.

you poor thing, i had a very similar experience, down to the being on my way to help and passing the scene, as my husband was on the phone to me (too late) telling me not to keep driving as her knew i'd go past. It was an awful time, I was devastated for a long while. Time is the only thing that will help, and you have a lot on.

Practically you need to keep an awareness of your emotions, having a baby will send you into an emotional tailspin anyway and two hits to your wellbeing in a short time will be a lot to bear. Keep talking to your husband and reach out for help early if you need it - it's ok to not be ok about such a sad thing. Sending love and hopes for joy when your baby gets here.

Oh god, it's an old thread. i hope the OP doesn't get a reminder that opens old wounds :(

Very sorry to read this. You are grieving but in total shock too. My dad died unexpectedly when I was 37 weeks pregnant and I couldn’t imagine how life could / would possibly continue. This was over 20 years ago but I still remember how difficult it was. One day at a time is what helped me.

You poor thing, sending you so much love and hugs right now.

We lost our wonderful dog 3 weeks ago and the circumstances were not as traumatic as yours. The grief is like nothing I’ve experienced before, I’m unable to sleep, cry constantly and feel like a shell of my former self, I also agree with another poster that it’s worse than when I lost relatives.

The nightmares, panic attacks, non stop crying, etc these are all the ways a body processes grief especially in the circumstances you are experiencing.

I promise you will be able to enjoy your baby, it’s just that grief will be co existing with everything that comes with a newborn.