Missing my boy horribly (TW: grief)

[didalittlenamechange]

I had to say goodbye to my sweet 16 year old boy on February 25th, and I'm completely lost.

He and I lived on our own together, and because of his separation anxiety we spent every minute of every day in one another's company. For 7 years I went nowhere without him, and now he's nowhere to be found.

I know logically what happened, but my body keeps looking for him. I keep calling out for him before I realise what I'm doing, and picking up his collar on autopilot before I go out. Leaving the house without him, I feel unmoored and dizzy, like there's nothing holding me to the ground. My entire day has stopped making sense; we went out for little wanders 5 times a day, and it shaped my whole schedule. And now, nothing.

Every day is another day further away from our time together, and so every morning feels like another loss, or like I'm actively walking away from him.

People keep telling me things that I know are meant to be comforting, like "He'll always be with you in your heart", and it just makes me furious. He's not in my heart. He's dead – and he's gone, and I let someone carry his body away from me on his own, when he was never alone before, and they burned his beautiful body that I loved so much, and now his ashes are in a little box in my house, and I can't pretend otherwise.

Or they say "Time will heal everything" – which just sounds like "You'll feel better at some point" – but the problem isn't that I feel bad, the problem is that he's gone. And time won't fix that. I know they have the best intentions and are only trying to help, and I genuinely appreciate that they're trying, but I just can't lean into these trite little sayings and niceties that deny the reality of what's happened.

As a big dog, he lived so much longer than anyone believed he would, and his illness at the end was short (less than a week). He passed at home, in my arms, peacefully and before any real suffering kicked in. I'm so proud of our magical little life together and I'm so proud that I kept my promise to him, and gave him the final gift of a calm end with his dignity intact. But now I have to go on without him and I hate it.

I don't even really know what I'm posting here for. I don't think I even have a question, I'm just sadder than I've ever been before, and angry, and lost.

I’ve nothing to say that will make you feel better, because there are no words that can. All I can say is that I’m sorry that your lovely boy is gone, and that I hear you

Oh it’s so sad. It’s absolutely heartbreaking to lose a beloved pet. I’ve been there and the sadness is all consuming. But what a long life and a ‘good’ death without the awfulness of taking him to the vet. You should take comfort from that.

When our dog died, we couldn’t cope with the sadness of our home without him, so within 3 weeks, we’d reserved a puppy and collected him a few weeks later. I know that’s too soon for some, but it helped us enormously. It filled our sad house with joy and made it full of life again. We still talk about and miss our wonderful old dog though.

What a lovely life you had together.
You're both so lucky, the love shared with a dog is wonderful. How you feel now proves how special he was to you.
With any loss we don’t fully get over it, we learn to live with it.
Sending big hugs OP.

It's so hard. A truly awful loss. The wrenching away of your dear friend who you willingly and lovingly built every day around.

How fortunate your big old boy was to have you to love him and keep your promise to care for him with all your heart right to the very end.

I found keeping my routine going helped. That putting one foot in front of the other on my routine walks as we always had gave me a little peace.

25th February was the 6th anniversary of losing ddog1. Literally only managed to hang a photo last night..
So sorry for your loss op..

Sending love. We have recently lost one of our elderly dogs. The house is tidier, my shoes stay where I left them and I don’t have to rescue the tumble dryer balls, but OMG I miss the wagging first thing in the morning, the enthusiastic greeting whenever I come home, the sound of his collar on his water bowl and the thwack of his tail on the wall. I also have no one to trip me up when I cook.

They really do steal a piece of our hearts don’t they?

What was your dog called?

So very sorry. We lost our darling girl age 15 years and 9 months on the 27th Feb and I totally understand how you feel.
I don't have any real advice to be honest other than keep a hold of the words in your post about how wonderful his life was and how you did absolutely everything for him. His illness was short, he only knew happiness and you kept all of your promises to him.
None of that brings him back though, and I know that's all you want right now.
Perhaps in time you can welcome another dog that needs you?

Sending so much love.

I’m so sorry to read this. Losing a much loved dog is so hard 💐

@didalittlenamechange I feel what you are feeling so much. I lost my dog last April, so we are just coming up to the 1 year anniversary and I am dreading it.
Those first few days were just so hard, so much harder than I was ever expecting. I'd cry myself to sleep and then on waking as I remembered she wasn't there any more. I'm crying again, just remembering and writing this post.
We had a wonderful vet nurse come to our home and put her to sleep, so it was very quiet and stress free, and she gave us some info sheets with places to go or contact if we found the grief too much to bear.
But tbh, you were with your dog so much and they were a big part of your every day, it's going to take time for your head to remember that. I still can't watch videos of her, though can look at photos but just a quick look.
What set me off recently was Gardeners World. Monty, sat on a bench in the sunshine with his dogs head of his lap. The longing I felt. I just wanted to feel mines head, warm from the sun, on my lap, just one more time.
Sending some unmumsnetty hugs to you 💐

Oh, I feel your pain so much. I lost my dog last October after he was diagnosed with cancer 4 weeks previously. It was an agonising time and I feel no better now. In fact, I think I actually feel worse in so many ways. I wish I had some words of comfort or wisdom for you but all I can do is empathise. I’ve lost dogs before and it was painful each time but my most recent loss was my soulmate dog in every way possible and I feel lost without him. My heart goes out to you xx

I'm so sorry - there truly is no pain quite like it. I've lost many dogs and grieved them all bitterly, but when I lost my soul dog, my special boy, just over two years ago, I completely ceased to be able to function. I spent weeks just curled up in a ball with my face buried in his blanket, or howling 'Where are you?' It was awful, and my heart truly goes out to you. What a lucky boy he was, though, that you understood his separation anxiety and shaped your whole life around it.

It's truly the worst pain, OP. I've gone through it with 2 dogs, and you really do grieve deeply. Dogs are very present in your life, they follow around all the time and it's a huge physical loss not having them around you - let alone emotionally. Take your time mourning, and how you're feeling is utterly normal.

I'm so sorry for your loss. He was your beloved boy

Just wanted to send you a hug OP. The grief is so huge. They fill your heart in a way no person can. I lost my boy in November and I look for him, expect him to be here when I come home... it's horrible and so painful
You sound as though you had a wonderful relationship and I hope that will bring you some comfort in time. Thinking of you xx

Of I'm so terribly sorry and I know exactly how you're feeling.
I've gone through this three times, and now I have my absolute and utter heart and soul wrapped up in a nearly six year old.
He's honestly everything I live for and don't think I can go through it again, I've only half jokingly said that his last day will be mine also, because I can't bear the thought of ever living a day without him.
My utmost heartfelt condolences, I'm sorry I can't help but I do exactly know how you feel😘😭😘