Compassionate advice needed - would I be wrong to PTS in this situation?

[TreacherousPissFlap]

Please be gentle as my heart is breaking at the very thought of it.....

DH is unwell and is not going to get better. In fact the decline is frighteningly rapid and we're approaching the point where he will need carers to come in when I'm at work (I'm financially not in a position where I can give up)

We have 2 dogs who are both older, almost 12 and 13.

DH has signed out of all dog related responsibilities, and in fact did so some time ago before he got ill. It all falls to me but is manageable and I love them dearly. In fact my life right now is depressingly mundane and they add a spark to it.

DDog1 is not a problem, though he has been diagnosed with dementia which he is medicated for. He requires some environmental management which is perfectly reasonable, and at this stage I'm happy we continue until either the dementia or something else takes him off. Either way, at 13 I know it won't be greatly in the future.

The problem is DDog2. She's highly anxious and still extremely bouncy. DH has always found her hard to control and this has not improved in any sense as he's got sicker. The big sticking point is she's enormously anxious around strangers coming into the house. Truthfully we have always had a very quiet household and there's only a handful of people who ever come in so it's never been an issue before. The idea of leaving her and DH alone while a string of different carers come into the house sickens me. While she's never bitten, she is very vocal and is clearly unhappy whenever someone she doesn't know comes in. Also I very much doubt a carer would be happy to come in with her behaving like she does and I can't say I blame them.

She's also became devoted to DH when he got ill, and I can see this may cause issues if she is protective towards him.

I can use cages or insist she's shut in a bedroom, but I simply cannot rely on DH to carry these instructions out properly. I'm out too long to put her in a cage or bedroom and leave her there until I get home.

DDog2 is also dog reactive so doggy day care or a pet sitter is a no go.

I cannot take her to work as we have a no dogs on site policy. Well actually I could (and would) and drive her off site every break time, but I can't see how this will work when it's either very hot or very cold.

I wouldn't consider rehoming as quite honestly nobody would want her. Shes almost 12, is a breed that is known to be difficult to re-home, is a cantankerous old mare and is on medication for 2 minor age related conditions that comes in at a shade over £100 a month. I'm devastated that the only way I can see out of this is to have her PTS.

If anyone has any words of advice I would be eternally grateful 😢

What a hard situation. I think you are clearly at your limit and pts would be the kindest thing.remember she won't know. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I’m so very sorry about your dh’s prognosis op. You are carrying a very heavy load indeed. 💐

Your dd2 sounds incredibly similar to our dd2 and I would definitely pts in the same situation. Hard though this is, I don’t think anyone would blame you for prioritising your dh in this scenario. He needs carers full stop.

Sending you strength op. I think pts is the probably the kindest solution.

If they are both of your dogs the only thing that would give me any pause would be what DH thinks. If he would be devastated then I would not do it. If he agrees then maybe it’s all you can do if it’s multiple carers at multiple times a day that will only increase then it’s hard to see how it could be managed with her in the home. District nurses do indeed refuse to come to homes with pets that are a risk to them.

The only other possibility I can think of is that cinnamon trust foster dogs when their owners are ill or in hospital and I suppose I imagine they must be more tolerant than average as that is their mission

https://cinnamon.org.uk/

In your situation I would try and find a compassionate vet and explain the situation. At that age with those issues rehoming isn’t an option so I would want to spend a short time making her life wonderful with lots of treats then PTS. Ultimately leaving her more stressed and anxious is not going to be in anyones best interests including her own.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. What a heartbreaking decision to have to make.
You pup has obviously had a good life with you. You've loved her and looked after her (despite her being a pain in the butt!). If you know you can't continue to give her that quality of life, it's ok to say goodbye. At her age and with the issues you mentioned, it isn't in her best interest to try to find somewhere else for her.
Speak to your vet and give her the best last days you can and know that you've done the right thing for her.

I wish you and your DH the very best.

I also would suggest contacting the cinnamon trust , you will not be thinking straight at the moment

Thank you everyone, you've made me cry (and I am NOT a crier)

Deep down I know it's the only real option. I've always been pragmatic about PTS and the only one I've ever regretted was the one in Covid that went on longer than it should have due to the issues with seeing a vet.

I will take a look at the Cinnamon Trust, but she really is a handful with anyone other than me. I also think she would be devastated to move homes at this stage in her life. We are already her 4th home and it's taken a long time for her to get over that. She's been with us since she was about 8 months.

As far as DH goes, I'm responsible for all vets appointments etc and he would never think to question "what the vet said". I wouldn't be able to tell him the real reason for it, as he might be devastated that it was because of him (on the other hand he might not, that's the way things are TBH) I would make up a generic "cancer" or something and I would be amazed if he even thought to question it.

I guess I was wondering would you regret it or feel
guilty after he passes? If she was fostered you could have her back in the end. But if you are at peace with it then there is nothing wrong at all in your decision. You are just trying to do the best for everyone in a tricky situation.

Do you have someone to talk to yourself? It’s hard to carry everything so stoically. I don’t know if it’s cancer but my dad had some counselling from McMillan when my mum was dying and I know he valued being able to just say what he was feeling honestly. The good, the bad and the ugly that he get he could not say publicly (and they had a long and happy marriage but the end was tough on us all and especially him)

Cu king he’ll.

not correcting the typos. This is awful. My advice would be to be as pragmatic as possible. What makes it do-able? A lovely vet of things nice after lots of sausages and petting for the puppies so you have breathing space to manage your husbands needs? Nobody would judge you. Have you spoke to your Gp foe support for you?

It certainly might be best not to keep the dog alive when the owner passes if they are very bonded. I once knew a couple where the dog was hers really and very anxious barky and protective but after she passed her DH was left to care for a dog that had always been tricky and was now distraught and he was old and frail grieving and in need of care himself. He felt he could not PTS his wife’s dog but it was impacting on him very negatively as it prevented him going out at all or anyone coming in to support him. In the end Cinnamon trust took the dog to foster and he went into care and it all worked out very well as the dog was much happier with its new older lady owner too. She brings the dog to visit him but honestly I am not sure either of them are all that fussed.

thepure It's not cancer, but thank you for thinking of me. I have a little support but I've yet to access the sort of counselling you've mentioned, though I feel the time is approaching where I do need to.

In all likelihood DH won't be dying any time soon. The progression will be slow and devastating and I would be surprised if DDog2 was still about when the time comes so that's not really a consideration.

She's absolutely my dog and I am confident I could manage her with carers coming in if I was around. The problem is the carers are needed when I'm NOT around

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH, for both of you xx

How would DDog1 be without her?

i wish I could take her for you, but I'm not in a position too unfortunately.

there will be someone who will via cinnamon trust, breed rehoming or another rescue. She might do much better than you think.

what breed is she?

id give if a go with the carers, many have dogs themselves.

but if you think you can do it, she won't know anything about it, she'll just drift off to sleep.

@Ihad2Strokes shes a little staffie cross and seems to have inherited the worst traits of both breeds 🤔

If I'm honest I'm also fearful of what it will do to DDog1 as they've been together since he was 18 months old. He's never been an only dog for even one day of his life. Aside from his dementia he's entirely deaf so does rely on her to be his ears. I've always suspected we would lose them close to one another due to the age gap, I just hadn't factored the horror of DH's diagnosis into the mix.