I can't bear having a dog.

[Hoopyhoopa]

I love dogs. I wanted one forever. Especially this one little breed. I'm autistic, have social anxiety and thought having a dog would be the most amazing thing. Finally, I got one. He's adorable. I love walking him, I love the cuddles, and I love the cuteness. I love him, he's my baby.

But, I can't bear him. I've had him for 2 years now. He is the most needy creature and I am 'his' human and he is devoted to me. He wants attention from me constantly. He whines at me, paws at me, barks at me for attention. It is really tough. He's not like this with my partner or other family members. I have tried to train him. But he is obsessed with me and nothing seems to help.

I want to give him away, but I can't bear it. He's my baby. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. But he is giving me a nervous breakdown with his dependence on me. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. It's suffocating and I only feel more myself when my family take him for the night occasionally (they can't take him full time unfortunately).

Has anyone ever had anything similar?

I see this day in and day out. Your issue is that you are not treating him like a dog. He is not your baby, he is a dog. You are unconsciously teaching him that hassling you for attention works, so he does it more.

Try ignoring the behaviour that you don't like, and rewarding the behaviour you do. By ignoring, I mean absolutely no reaction from you. No words, no movement other than to turn away. When he moves away quietly, then praise him, but in a calm and quiet voice.

I echo the comments above. My lovely Labrador was like this at a young age. We really amped up rewarding calmness.

Everytime he was happily snoozing in his bed, we would give a treat and good boy. Each time he sat quietly while I worked, he was praised and again, given a treat. We were lucky we had a Labrador as they are so good focused.

It took time and consistency but it did work. We also had issues leaving him but again, started small with going out the house for 5 mins, coming back and big reward. Then extending the time etc

And I agree that the absolute best thing is to totally ignore

Not to the same extent as you but do understand the feeling of suffocation if you have a needy dog and don’t have any time alone. I wfh so am literally here 95% of the time and my dog is my shadow he follows me everywhere given the choice .

It sounds like yours needs to learn to settle. My dog was very very needy but I’ve really worked on getting him to settle when I’m working and when we’re eating and will follow a ‘go to your bed’ command.

I also try and have some time away - mine goes to a sitter one day a week and this makes such a difference and he loves it. I also have a couple of friends without dogs who borrow him for walks occasionally or you could sign up to something like borrow my doggy and get a regular sit/walk.
i would also insist that your partner takes his occasionally - my husband is self employed and will sometimes have the dog for the day at work or, if he’s working from home I take myself off to a cafe to work just for a change of scene and to detach from ddog.

Thank you for the responses. I call him my baby but I am honestly strict with him. Or I try to be, at least! I ignore all of the attention seeking but it doesn't stop him. He is obsessed with me! I turn away, I ignore, I praise when he stops and sits. I have been doing this for his entire life and he has not worked it out. I don't think he's very clever and he isn't food motivated at all which makes it hard.

2 things you can do to refocus him.
One teach him the go bed command. So you can send him if he gets to much. Like CunningPlanMaster said plenty of treats & attention while he's in bed. Nothing when he pesters you.

Second, make time for him. Play, teach him some tricks and have a little cuddle afterwards. Then it'stime to settle in the dog bed, away from you.

This will take some time, but it will be worth it in the end.

What breed is he? Mine isn’t remotely food orientated but even he will go for cheese or sausage.

What breed? Some are just naturally more clingy than others and you can’t really train it out of them.

Humans have deliberately bred dogs to crave human attention, because humans like the love and devotion.

Some breeds are like this more than others and suffer genuine distress when they are not with their care giver. A distress we as humans have bred them to have to satisfy our ego and needs.

If you have a ‘cure, small’ dog I’m guessing it’s maybe some type of lap dog that has been particularly bred to desperately crave it’s owner’s attention.

I know my post is not helpful to you OP, but I really wish people would stop and think about what we are doing breeding these poor, needy dogs, and stop and think before they buy a dog about whether it’s likely to be a ‘needy’ dog. Because it’s tiring reading posts like this when the OPs, by buying the dog, are fueling the market for them.

Can your partner step up and do more with the dog? So food doesn’t come from, only your partner feeds your dog for a few weeks, the whole you being their best person might change. Give you a bit of a break.

I agree with the v helpful advice from other posters.

Is he a daschund? And how old is he?

Your dog needs training to settle elsewhere with a command “bed”. Bed needs to become a positive reward. A safe cosy space. Not a punishment.

So if you are working during the day, train him to lie in a bed away from you in your office. Start with him nearer and gradually move his bed further and further away. Line the bed with a t-shirt or two that you have slept in initially.

These one or two “safe” areas in your home must be made very comfortable and appealing. You could try a big roomy crate with toys and a bed in the corner of the kitchen or sitting room for example. Maybe a radio with calming classical music, You can start by putting him in the crate for just a minute and then removing him, Keep it up and keep lengthening the time by a few minutes. Lots of praise when he settles. Then try the same training with the crate door open.. And you move further away, He should soon come to enjoy having his own space.

You can also train him to “bed” each time the doorbell rings before you open the door, so it becomes his safe space.

If he is not responsive to food rewards, have you tried a squeaky toy?

Also you could stop being the one in your family who walks and feeds him and delegate those duties to someone else?

Literally ignore him when he fusses, turn your back, arms across your body, don’t look at him, and ONLY stroke and reward when he is in a calm and settled state. Especially when leaving the home and returning, Be very calm and try and be as non-vocal as possible.

Your body language, is all-important here op Remember the three Cs;
-calmness in your breathing
-clarity of your instruction
-confidence in your intention.

If you are giving instructions for him to go to his bed, while at the same time feeling guilty about sending him there, the training won’t work because he will sense your anxiety and it will make him afraid and cautious. You have to exude inner zen and calm positivity! 😃. Similarly, getting stressed when he is around you will up his anxiety levels and make him want to be with you more.

Finally, yes, make sure he has lots of your attention for 10 minutes x3 in a little morning, afternoon and evening routine, a bit like you would develop with a baby. Play, eat , rest, walk, sleep. Or however you want to order it. It’s a lot of work but worth it in the end because they can relax more when they can predict what is coming.

Obviously, if he is an older dog who isn’t likely to improve, and your mh is being seriously affected by him smothering you, then you need to return him to his breeder to re-home responsibly but as that is likely to be very traumatic for the dog, please give the methods above a good try, perhaps with the support of a trainer initially. Good luck!

Edited to add: a frequent mistake is that people praise the dog too much and too excitedly when they obey a command. If you watch a bitch with it’s puppy which is crawling all over it, she nips it, or growls a bit to get it to back off, but she doesn’t “reward” with any more sounds or touch after they obey.

It is hard and tbh he is probably feeling a bit rubbish too and trying to make himself feel happier by being with you.

Breed is important and if you can increase and build on his natural behaviours he will feel better and become less needy.

eg if a gundog put some hunting into his daily walks - not loads just hide some balls and let him search for them.

If he is a mixed breed cockerpoo for example then build on that spaniels love of searching and throw out food or to for him to find. Teach him some tricks to use his poodle brain.

If he feels more contented he will not need to be so needy.

I am not saying do more with him but adjust the time you do spend with him to help him

I'm autistic and have social anxiety also.
I can understand that this neediness from your dog would exacerbate your anxiety. Truthfully, the whining, pawing and barking would drive me mad.

I agree with previous comments that you need to change how you respond and stop babying him. You've said you're strict but you repeatedly refer to him as your baby. Let him learn how to be a dog. But as others have said, if he's a toy breed/lap dog that can be difficult because they are needy and clingy. And I suppose the instinct is always to pick them up.

My dog is my emotional support also. But mine is a very big dog, so the temptation was never there to treat her like a baby, because with a pup that will eventually be 50 or 60kg you just can't do that. I tell visitors to my home, no baby talk. Baby talk and silly voices was banned with my dog from 8 weeks when she was a cute fluffball; she was kept very calm. Right from the start I taught her to settle although she was never crated. She's with me all the time but not hassling for attention, she just sits quietly under the table while I work. She very rarely barks or whines. She isn't food motivated either and it does make training more challenging, but it can still be done.

Two years in is much harder than two months in and I really don't think there are going to be any easy solutions or quick fixes. But I'm not a trainer/behaviourist, nor am I clued up on small breeds, so I will leave it for those with more experience to advise you where to start re-training.

I wish you luck because your current situation with him does sound very stressful for a sensitive anxious owner.

Thank you all. It's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, so a lap dog and companion breed.

He is crate trained and actually very good when I leave the house. It is just when I am there and visible, he WANTS me.

I have tried to teach him settle, but he's so excitable and energetic that it's never really succeeded.

I do ignore him as much as possible, but it's so frustrating when he's literally hanging off my clothes. I turn around and fold my arms and ignore him. Then I only turn around again when he is sat and quiet. But like I said, I've been doing this for a good year and it hasn't reduced his neediness.

My partner has been really helping out, having him at his house and walking him and feeding him. Yet when we came back from a holiday recently and picked the dog up from family, he just ignored my partner and was all over me.

It's like it's built into him intrinsically that I am THE most important person in the world. I am the QUEEN and he is devoted to me. Which sounds nice and stuff, but it's suffocating.

Well, it's a good sign that he lets you leave the house. It doesn't sound like a true separation anxiety in that respect. And presumably he was okay when you were on holiday...?

He must be just a one person dog. Some are. Our previous male was slightly possessive of me, current girl not so much, she's a bit more independent. With ours it's just they want to be around us, but they aren't clingy or whiny.

I'm not sure there's a lot you can really do to stop him adoring you. In some ways it is a lovely thing to have that bond, but in other ways, yes, I can see that it would feel suffocating.

In that case, you need to step up a gear. When he comes to you for attention, walk him out of the room. No words, no eye contact, calm energy from you. I would try a house lead so that this is easier for you to manage without any fuss.

He doesn't need to be out of the room for more than a few seconds.

Whereabouts are you located?

Unfortunately, trying to train neediness out of a companion breed is like training the herding drive out of a collie or the retrieving drive out of a Labrador. It’s almost impossible.

There are things you can do make it better but honestly, it’s kind of the nature of the beast.

if you are at the point of rehoming I’d invest in a behaviouralist.ours was fantastic and helped a lot.

I would definitely advise a proper dog trainer. I couldn't believe how quickly the techniques she taught us got our nervous, excitable, bonkers dog to just relax and settle.

For us it involved putting him on a lead and sitting down on the sofa or chair and then putting our foot on the lead and then ignoring everything until they just settled and did that sigh they do when getting comfy. Immediately praised them. Then just extended the time from settling to praise. We used the same techniques on our current dogs and they are both very chill. They still want to be near me and often will follow me into different rooms but will settle in that room immediately rather than begging for attention constantly.

I agree with @tumblingdowntherabbithole Did you not know to expect this? You've chosen a breed of dog that has been selected for centuries to be strongly bonded to their owner. To be a hot water bottle in draughty castles by lying on your feet or on your lap. They're not like other dogs, they are companions and need a lot of human contact. This is the dog you chose, if you really can't handle it then contact your breeder. If you bought from a dodgy breeder who won't help then contact one of the breed rescues.

Also, do you know about the hereditary health issues with the breed?

I get it, OP. No advice, but solidarity. I've a velcro springer spaniel who was supposed to be DH's dog. DH feeds and walks him, but that dog decided from the word go that I was 'his' person. He's so darned clingy and needy and he only wants to be with me, preferably physically touching me. Luckily he's OK when I'm out of the house, but when return, even if it's only been a few minutes, he behaves like a whirling dervish who hasn't seen me for months. I love him, I honestly do, but sometimes I really, really wish he was a cat.

Sorry OP, but this is a you problem, not a dog problem.
You refer to him as your baby and seem to be very intense with your interactions with him.
You say you're suffocating and only feel yourself when your family take him for the occasional night.
But then you go on to say that your partner also has him overnight at his house occasionally, and that you've just been on holiday without him.
Your poor dog is probably confused, with his routine being constantly disrupted.

Did you not research the breed before choosing, or did you just go for cute, cuddly and appealing, without thinking through the practicalities?

I walk a dog like this (not this breed, a -poo type) and I empathise - I have him for just a short time and it is suffocating. Requires a lot of training to right.

@Hoopyhoopa OP, if you do decide to re-home him please don't just "give him away". There are people out there that do terrible things to animals. They look on Facebook etc for "free to a good home" ads. Please, please take him to a registered animal shelter and let them re-home him with proper checks and procedures. He at least deserves that.

You're catastrophising a bit and making a problem that doesn't exist, stop praising him for being good and "settling" and leaving you alone or he'll just keep winding you up so he can be good for you. Exercise him for as much as you normally exercise him and if he's being crazy after teach him to "go to bed". It's unorthodox but I just teach this by shouting "BED GO TO BED" if the dog is jumping around and being stupid, he won't know what it means at first so direct him onto his bed or his open crate while you keep repeating the above then stop when he's on his bed (no praise, just neutrality). He'll probably try to creep out of bed or his crate at first, just keep repeating NO, BED for a couple of months and then you can start praising him for it when he's more chill.

It's not good for a dog to be so anxious around the house, a settle command is good for dogs. Eventually when you turn him into a more chill dog with the above he'll be relaxed enough he can just lay next to you without pawing and jumping and whining and then you both win. My two poms are under a year old and are a really needy breed but they're alot more relaxed with having a settle command.

AHH my friend has a cavapoo, clingy like velcro. She's had other breeds before. They're having to be very strict with him. He can't go upstairs, can't sleep with them. You should have play time, walk time, meal time and leave me alone time.