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Wait for a dog after mine died, dh saying not yet

7 replies

WaggyTailsDog · 22/05/2025 15:02

Hi all,

Hoping for some advice on how to be patient!
I've always had dogs. My absolute soul mate dog passed 2 months ago. Since then, I have been so upset. I cried every day for 4 weeks after having our dog pts. The house feels so empty. Every day I am looking at puppies for sale. Everything feels so empty.

I know a new puppy wouldn't replace my gorgeous dog that passed. I don't think any new dog would be as intuitive and in sync with me, but it would give me a new focus. Stop the house feeling so quiet.

Dh said no new dog anytime soon. Ideally not until or dd3 starts school! After lots of conversations, he has relented and agreed to my getting a puppy in December/January time.

He has lots of sensible reasons for why we should wait. Mainly money, him not wanting to be responsible and tied to another dog yet and a booked holiday we have in 3 months time.

I do appreciate his reasonings are sound. But also disagree - we do have the money it's just earmarked to pay off our holiday - we could buy a puppy and pay off the holiday 6 months later. We have family who are always happy to dog sit for us and the breeders I've been looking at have said they'd be happy to have the puppy back for holiday cover.

Dh reluctance mainly comes down to him just not wanting the responsibility again, even though I work pt and would be the main carer. He would happily never have another dog again, but knows that isn't an option with me.

Logically I understand that waiting would be the most sensible. But my feelings of loss are not based in logic.

It's been 2 months so far. I just can't comprehend how to wait another 7-8 months, feeling this emptiness for that long!

Appreciate any help navigating these feelings.

OP posts:
LandSharksAnonymous · 22/05/2025 15:42

I'm not going to focus on the finances - as, really, I don't think there's any use in commenting about that.

It is really hard to move on from the loss of a dog, particularly one that means so much to you. But I just don't see how after only two months, when one of those months you admit all you could do was cry, you can be ready and, ultimately, I don't think it would be fair on the puppy.

I breed, so I speak to a lot of people who have had dogs before and are looking for a puppy. I often speak to people who are fresh out of a loss and desperate for something to fill the void or give them 'focus.'

Very often, although they recognise that the new puppy won't replace their dog - and instead, as you say, it gives them something to 'focus on' - don't realise that they end up not bonding with the puppy very quickly as a result. It's not about being 'in-sync' with the puppy - it's about giving the puppy what it needs, and an owner grieving another dog is not that. I know lots of people will say that's nonsense, but from my experience it's true. Yes, it helps the humans with the 'moving on' (as it were) from the loss. But equally, if you're still mourning one dog, I think there is a question about how quickly you build that bond with a new puppy - and puppies deserve unconditional love and someone who is focussing on them because they're ready to love a new dog, not because they want a distraction from their grief.

My advice? Use the time you have without a dog wisely - research good breeders. I know you say you've got one, but are you hand on heart confident they are the best - because, personally, I don't think good breeders would sell to you currently. I don't mean that to be nasty, but it's so obvious from the way you've written your post that you're struggling that I don't believe it wouldn't have come across in any interaction with a breeder. Perhaps volunteer at a rescue, or spend time around other peoples dogs.

There was someone about six months ago who posted about her grief over losing her dog. Everyone said 'get a new dog.' She did. Within a month she was creating new posts several times a week about how much she disliked the puppy, how it wasn't anything like her old puppy, how it wouldn't cuddle her etc. The puppy deserved better, being frank.

Yes, there are posters who do it and are soo happy. And it's great to see that (There's a woman ATM who just lost her soul dog and got a new puppy - a Rottie - and she's so clearly happy, and it is lovely). But those people are so rare. They are the exception, not the rule.

Your grief, at least from what you've written, still feels far too raw for you to be ready - IMO. And I think you and, any puppy, would suffer as a result.

Your DH says no, so that's the end of it really. But I hope the above advice helps. And I am really sorry for your loss.

lionbrain · 22/05/2025 15:52

OP I am so sorry for your loss.

My experience is different to Landsharks. I mix with a lot of owners who have a lot of dogs through work and dog sports. Most of them do get a new dog when a dog dies. It does not lessen the grief and it does not mean that they are replacing or have forgotten the dog. They get huge pleasure from having a dog and the relationship that they have with a dog.

I love all my dogs, they are my life and my work, it is a lifestyle I have had since being a child. Dogs needs come first in the family. I have always had a dog (as I have a multi dog household) and will always want to have a dog as long as I am able to. For me the dogs are no tie as I want to be doing what they are doing. If I go out it is with the dogs as we are doing dog stuff. If I want a holiday it is a dog s holiday

New dogs do not ever replace an old dog. I still grieve dogs that have died many years ago but I know that I will always want to have a dog in my life.

Hipatch · 22/05/2025 16:05

I got a new dog a week after mine died. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.

Honeysuckle16 · 22/05/2025 16:06

Another one encouraging you to wait. We used to breed on occasion - 6 litters in 40 years - and only when we ourselves wanted a puppy from the litter. Naturally we had to find homes for the 3 or 4 other pups and we took great care over this. One lady contacted us through the breeder club, saying she’d recently lost her dog. She ticked all the boxes but there was something about her that gave me concern and, despite agreeing to her having a pup from us, I later phoned and said we weren’t happy, which she accepted.

About 6 months later she got in touch to say we were quite right but she only realised that over time. She’d just arranged to get a pup from another breeder as she now felt fully ready.

Thinking it over, it was her body language that alerted me. It’s natural when holding a very young puppy to hold it close, keeping it safe and secure. This lady, however, held the pup away from her, almost at arms’ length which set off unconscious alarm bells.

So please don’t be in a hurry. Grieve for your dog and give yourself time so that you and your family can fully enjoy a new arrival.

CapitalAtRisk · 22/05/2025 16:09

We were in the process of getting a new puppy (from a reputable source, not a breeder - we had to be approved by him!) in the week that our DDog died. So our new puppy came to us three weeks after our DDog left us.

Best thing that could have happened. We still remembered and grieved for our old dog, but our new one brought us happiness and hope.

SpanielsGalore · 22/05/2025 16:23

I lost two dogs within three months of each other. I cried every day for three months until I got another one, so I completely understand how you feel.
I will say though, it was a huge shock to the system going from two elderly dogs who slept all day to a 7 month old puppy. You forget how much hard work puppies are and that's with mine already being toilet trained. So I do think you need to consider the practicalities of having a puppy with a 3 year old and working part time.
If you do decide to get one, I would wait until after your holiday. I don't think it's fair to a puppy to have it at home for two months or so and then confuse it by giving it to someone else to look after.

WaggyTailsDog · 22/05/2025 16:27

Thankyou to everyone who has posted, it's really helpful to read your thoughtful and considered comments.

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