I don’t love my dog

[coffeemeup]

Ok so I just need some advice.
we rehomed a dog with us a year ago (not an official rescue but close enough). She’s now 4 and a great dog… but we just don’t love her!
we lost our previous dog 4 years before and she was my world. To be honest this one is probably better behaved and adores us, but all I see is the extra cleaning and work etc this time around.
if it wasn’t for how it would look to others I genuinely think we would have rehomed her by now… but how do we fix this? Can we fix this? Feel like we’re stuck for the next however many years and we’ve made our bed and just have to lie in it.

The dog deserves a good life and to be loved. If you don’t feel you can do that then the kindest thing would be rehoming.

I don’t think you should keep the dog just because you have it now. Enduring the dog isn’t fair on anyone, including the dog.
What other people think doesn’t matter, it’s what you as a family think.

People will have a negative opinion on literally anything if you give them the chance. This is your life and the dogs life and you need to do what is best for all of you.

The breed would be very outing, but she’s unusual and marmite I guess. Not dangerous or anything like that but just really not one of your standard breeds. She’s 4 now and other than barking at the doorbell has no bad habits. Literally a fantastic loyal friendly dog. Her breed isn’t the issue (same as our previous) but your ideas of agility etc really aren’t for her.

@coffeemeup you've had some pretty hideous replies on this thread (which is not something I say normally, as usually I come down on the dogs side).

Do you care for her? Do you give her affection and give her walks, cuddles etc?

I think it's a shame that you don't love her. But, I would say that if you are broadly happy with her in your life - and she is happy - that I would just give it more time. These things can happen overnight, but very often they don't.

I agree with PPs, you need to invest in her - do training with her, or social activities. Let her love you. Very often, it's their love for us which makes us love them. You can't force yourself to love her, you just have to let it happen gradually.

Don't give up on her yet, a year really is not a very long time in terms of building a relationship with a dog. I think it takes 18months - 2 years, with any dog (and I've had a lot) to really build that relationship and trust. You're still in very early days.

I think it’s about you and where you’re at because this is a completely lovable dog by your account.

have you grieved the other dog properly?

You’re right… this is definitely a me issue! After 4 years I thought I had, but maybe not.

I agree with this. I lost my precious old lady last summer and will never love another dog like I did her. She was my first dog of my own and taught me so much.

I took on a rescue a couple of months after she died. She was terribly abused and was too terrified to interact at all for the first couple of months. I really wished I could take her back because all I could do was compare her to my previous dog. Seven months in, we’re beginning to develop a bond and her wonderful personality is coming through.

It is hard when you don’t feel that connection. DH has a JRT and he and I have never clicked, but it doesn’t matter because DH adores him.

I’m in favour of keeping your dog as security and consistency is so important to them. As long as she has a good quality of life with you, I would definitely keep her. Would you consider a second dog? If I just had DH’s JRT I wouldn’t feel like I had a dog at all. My relationship with DH’s dog is definitely better for having my own dog that I really do love, as I would otherwise find it difficult that I don’t have that special bond with him, which is, after all, why we have dogs.

Yes it’s like you can’t see the dog through clear eyes..👀

like for what it is…a lovable dog!

maybe you will feel different if you actively process the grief for the other dog, and let this new little one into your heart 🥰🥰

Oh this is tricky.

I lost my beloved rescue 4yrs ago and swore that I would never, ever get another dog. Last September, I rehomed an old lady and it took weeks and weeks for deliberation before taking the plunge. I brought her home and, when she hopped up on the settee next to me, I just thought, why did I wait so long?

She's not my old dog. She's completely different in every way. Maybe you're still waiting for that 'click' moment?

As other PPs have said, do loads of things with your dog. Training, hire a field, take her to a pub and wind up MNetters, play games and engage. When you have that bond, it will work out.

I'm not sure how to express this but here goes:
Do you think it's that you feel differently to this dog than your previous one? Not that you don't love her just that you love her in a different way so it feels like it's not what you previously thought was 'love for a dog'
I've had several dogs over the years and I've loved them all but not all with the same intensity or in the same way. Some where there at really important times in my life and their companionship and affection made me love them in another way than my current dogs

We fostered a dog that we then adopted, partly because she had so many issues I didn't think anyone else would want her! I liked her and wanted to do my best for her but she was a hard dog to love. We've had her 5 years now and I love her with all my heart. After a lot of hard work and perseverance we saw the dog she really was and she stole our hearts! Bear with her.

I agree, it may well be that you haven't really got over the loss of your previous dog.

The breed wouldn't be outing, unless it's the only one in the country and would give posters an idea of whether she'd be easy to rehome.

The question to ask yourself is, if she was rehomed, would you want another dog or breathe a sigh of relief at being dog free?

I think if someone that knew me read this and saw the breed it would be obvious. She’s probably easily rehomed but not a little cutesy doodle for example.
we have already decided that there won’t be any more dogs again, so I guess that would make it the relief option.

To put it another way to everyone… if she were my friends dog I’d be smitten with her and saying what an amazing dog she is. I just don’t have the feelings that I should have when she’s my dog and therefore I’m probably resenting the dog hair, dribbling and general smell more. She is well cared for, walked, fussed and cuddled so I really don’t think she’s unhappy.

If she was a difficult dog, I'd think her future wasn't bright in rehoming. The fact she's lovely, I think you should.
She's only four so a good age to rehome, every year added will make it less so. On the other hand, if she stays with you, it's a possible 10 years of what you don't like.
It would be awful for you either way, but letting her go is ripping off the plaster.

Years ago I would have thought it unthinkable to give a dog up, but having had one rescue and looked after another, I'm convinced they cope well as long as they get all their needs met.
You know that saying, our children don't love us, as much as we love them? I think that applies to most dogs. Just please make sure you rehome via a breed club or rescue.
As for saving face? I'd tell the truth.

Totally agree with this. Our dog is easy (a rescue greyhound) but I don't and will never love him despite him adoring me. The rest of the family do, but they aren't the ones taking him on the good, interesting walks, going to three shops every month for his various dietary requirements, cleaning his teeth, putting in his eye drops, washing his beds, etc, etc, etc. His life is vastly better for my consistent care than their effusive but ultimately ineffective love. He will be with us til his end, but will never be replaced.

No need to feel shame. If you don't love the dog you don't love the dog don't let anyone make you feel bad.
You don't need anyone's clarification or permission.
Do what you think is right for you.

There is an activity for every breed. I have only bonded with my dogs through training and ‘work’. The rest isn’t enough for me alone to bond but is for my DH so it works well.