I put my dog down yesterday and it is the most awful thing I have ever experienced. She had kidney failure and was ailing. The toxins were building up in her body and she could barely walk, had become very confused and had stopped eating her special diet. She had become a skeleton and all she did was lie down and could not get comfortable. To make her eat, we resorted to giving her sausages, steaks and chicken with broth. She was not meant to eat that and I felt awful giving her something to eat that was in effect poisoning her. By the end I had to hand feed her. I took her to the vet last Friday and the options were: 1. hospital for further investigation (possibly for several days) 2. hospital for fluids but we would be back weekly 3. pts. I flat out refused the first 2, she was 15 and was terrified of the vets. I could not see the point of putting her through it. She would have been so so miserable in the hospital and frankly, I knew there was no going back. My husband felt that friday was too soon and we spent the weekend looking after her. He then went away for the week and I was left alone watching my so adored dog not being herself.
On Monday I called the vet surgery to speak to another vet for another opinion. His was clearly pts as it was the end. I asked for a home visit the next day to check her out but bring the drugs just in case. That night she had a steak and vomited, in the morning she had peed all over the sofa. She had peed on her bed the day before and had been mildly incontinent for a year.
I have another dog, an Italian greyhound who is a nightmare to housebreak (normal for iggies). Pees and poos dont bother me, I can clean any body fluid after several dogs and 2 children. However, my whippet was the cleanest dog I have ever had and was evidently distressed by her accidents. When the vet came, she said it was time and that she was in pain. I could not see the pain but I trusted her and could see she was not herself anymore. What terrified me the most was her dying in pain in the middle of the night on her own, or an accident that meant going to the vet and terrorising her. I went along despite my husband not being there.
I am racked with guilt that I did it too early. She barked at the vet and seemed panicked, like she was telling me not to do it. In my heart, I knew we were talking days, maybe a couple of weeks and she was such a dignified dog, I felt I needed to help her. The choice to pts is unbearable frankly. I know it's brave and kind, but not on me, it has broken me down and I am yet to tell my husband.
We did it at home, in the garden, on her bed, amongst the roses. I know it was the best for her but for me, I cannot look at the garden without thinking of what I did.
I feel it is a bit damned if you, damned if you don't. As I have read on other forums, you take their pain away to make it yours.
I am not sure if one ever gets the right day. My personal measuring stick was knowing who she was personality wise and how much she would not like what was happening to her. Then I thought, what if it was me, and thought I would like to have that option to go.
I am overcome with grief and feel her loss terribly. I don't know how to move forward.