Grief and anger over losing dog

[Happitwist]

Good morning all,

We lost our beloved dog overnight a couple days ago and I am just overwhelmed with grief, guilt and anger. He was middle aged for his breed and really happy and healthy in every other way than the thing that killed him.

We took him to the vets early and he was quickly taken into an operation to help him recover but he died from complications after it. The vet admitted she made the wrong choice in his recovery which led to his death and when I got the phone call to ask me if we should let him go or resuscitate him I wasn't given all the information I needed and was funneled down the path of letting him go to stop his suffering. Turns out there was still a chance of survival if I said the other as the treatment was an hour away where he could have made a complete recovery.

Because of this I feel incredibly sad he isn't here, he was my soulmate for almost a decade. I also feel so guilty I didn't bring him in even sooner or told them to keep fighting for him. If I did either of those things he could be here with me now. Lastly I am so angry at the decisions that were made which meant the lifesaving treatment arrived too late and that in a moment of shock and panic I was almost told to let him go.

I don't know how to cope really, how have others got through this? Right now I still walk around the house and expect him to be in his usual spots like I can't accept be has gone.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your beloved dog in such tragic circumstances.

We went through this 4 years ago and were badly let down by our vets. They spent weeks telling us our dog was fine, when we knew he wasn't. In the end, it was too late and they couldn't save him. This happened during a covid lockdown and we couldn't even be with him when he was PTS. He was a large, robust, healthy 7 year old.

The grief, despair and anger we felt was soul destroying so I completely empathise with you.

After a few weeks, we wrote a long letter of complaint to our vets and the BVA. This was, in some way, cathartic and they did, eventually, acknowledge his cause of death. We also changed our vet (we also have cats, and we registered them with a different practice in another town).

I know somebody is going to come along and kick me in the head for saying all this, that they'll tell me it isn't helpful or appropriate... But they need to understand that when you have put your trust in the vets and they let you down, it is a different sort of loss. I want you to know that others have experienced this and been through the grief being tinged by rage and frustration, and the wish that things had been done differently.

Honestly, you will get through it, but it will take a long time, and there will be moments when the anger and frustration will resurface. Do not blame yourself; there is probably nothing you could have done, it sounds as if the decisions were taken out of your hands, as was the situation with us.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this horrendous experience. Be gentle with yourself.

I'm very sorry for your loss, @Happitwist and hope your wee doggie is playing over the bridge free from his pain and illness. Thoughts and hugs from a doggie mum coming to you.
I understand what @CoubousAndTourmalet means. Our pets can't make a decision for themselves about their welfare so we have to for them. I think we question our decision even when things go well but when they don't, we have all those questions amplified.

I am just so sorry you have lost your soulmate. The grief after losing him is the sign of how loved and cherished he was. I completely understand your anger at the vet, knowing that their decision has cost you so much. You did your very best for him and did not want him to suffer unnecessarily based on what you were being told; it’s not exactly what I would do in that scenario.
Big hugs.

This happened to me too. Seven year old BC went in for a minor op. I was supposed to pick him up after 4pm the same day, but they said then that he was "still a bit woozy" from the anaesthetic although he was conscious (and I checked that fact with them) so they wanted to keep him under observation overnight. Next morning I am told he had died having never regained consciousness. I was bloody furious! Told them where to stick their bill - they lied, deprived me of choices about his care, deprived me of the chance to see him. After several lengthy emails back and forward they took me to small claims. So I counter-sued and won! They were held to have treated "my property" negligently, and therefore owed me for having deprived me of it. I will always miss him (this was 30+ years ago!) but the anger at the vet fuelled the fight and I felt that I had done something right. Worst - my next vet told me that whilst he did not like second guessing the vet's recommended surgery, he would never recommend it because it most often fails and there are better management option.

What I learned was to always interrogate vets, never take their first /only recommendation, and always ensure that I am well-informed about the options from other sources. This wasn't your fault, you did your best with the information you had, and you shouldn't have needed to know better. You'll always wonder if you had made a different choice whether it would have made a difference, but what you chose, you chose out of love. It does hurt less as time goes by.

Thank you so much for the replies and I am so so sorry some of you have been through the same thing. It's torture. Losing a beloved pet is hard enough, but to lose them in these circumstances is beyond anything I have ever felt.

I am still struggling to accept and process it. I've asked the vet to call me to walk me through what happened because the gaps in what I know are just killing me. They are calling me tomorrow which I hope helps relieve some of this mixed bag of emotions. A week ago he was racing around the woods with a huge smile on his face. I remember having a really long close cuddle with him before he started getting sick, I think he must have been trying to tell me something.

I have packed all his toys away except his favourite which is in bed with me despite it being pretty gross. I find myself going to his favourite spots to talk to him and I just keep apologizing. I thought I was doing ok for a few hours and holding it together but then I walked upstairs and saw the bedroom door shut which we always did to stop him going in without us. That broke me because there is no reason to shut it anymore and I just sat on the stairs and cried.

@Happitwist

I really feel for you; reading this made me tearful because it brought back all those raw emotions, and the memory of just feeling broken. Not even being able to look at his photo without sobbing.

I hope you can get answers as to what really happened and that it will give you some peace of mind. But there will be a lot more tears before you come to terms with your loss.

My heart goes out to you right now 💐

@CoubousAndTourmalet I am so sorry it's brought some of it back and thank you so much for replying. Feeling broken is exactly what it feels like.

It's comforting to know that there is an end to this road, even if the road is a long one. I keep trying to remind myself of the many years of joy instead of fixating on the few days of pain. It's hard, I wasn't there when he needed me because I couldn't be there as he was in critical care. I wanted to see him after but they warned me about how he would appear due to how he went (blood loss) so I haven't had that closure. I didn't leave my jumper for my smell because he was meant to come home the next morning as the operation was low risk. He was an extremely loved and happy boy in life and I hope somewhere he remembered that when he was alone in his final hours. My only consolation was that he died in a coma so at the end he was unaware and in no pain.

@Happitwist

Ours went the same way. He was unconscious at the end, and we had to give consent (by phone) to euthanise. Haemolytic Anaemia and Thrombocytopaenia from an adverse reaction to the Nobivac 4 booster.

Yes, absolutely - you have to remind yourself that they knew they were loved. That's all that matters at this point and it's what will get you through the coming days.