Leaving pup alone

[ConsternationStation]

I have a 5 month old cocker spaniel who has never been left alone for more than about 5 minutes. She's absolutely fine when the DC or DH leave but because I WFH she's not really spent much time without me. I have tried, albeit quite halfheartedly, but she just cries from the moment I leave - sometimes even if I only pop up the stairs without her for a few minutes. We live in a mid-terrace house so I'm hyper aware of annoying the neighbours if she cries for long at all, nevermind the fact I don't like to think of her being in distress.

I really want to be able to pop out for an hour or two, here and there, without the dog so I need some good advice of how to do it. We have a crate in the living room which she is happy in for a bit overnight/when we put the DC to bed etc. but she's not a huge fan of it during the day and rarely goes in herself. I have wondered that now she is 95% out of her destructive/chewing phase that I would be better to try leaving her with free range of the living room (with a camera for watching her if needed). I was thinking of taking a short 15ish minute walk myself or nipping to the corner shop to begin with and hopefully going from there.

Any advice or tips would be appreciated.

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz your last two sentences are spot on.

If you move too fast you could end up causing severe issues that even the best behaviourists won’t be able to fix. Puppies aren’t like humans who forget things from when they are babies - their memories are incredible. They are resilient - particularly to things like being told off by other dogs - but only to a point and certain things can set them off and things like ‘abandonment’ or ‘pain’ are key triggers. I’m always amazed by how blasé some owners are when it comes to this. Some dog breeds, as Bupster said, cope better than others - but most ‘companion’ breeds do not.

Puppies are incredibly resilient, but they are also babies so taking things slowly and not hurrying their progress is crucial to building a dog that can cope alone.

I always think: Why risk it if you don’t have to? And if you do have to, why did you get a dog?!

It honestly helps me so much reading others have taken things slowly. Belle is almost 7 months, has never been in the house by herself - but is starting to be happy to be on her own in rooms in the house, so I can shower in peace. Once she's tired at night, she's happy to be left and lights go off and she goes to sleep downstairs on her own - and recently not even in her pen, just in the living room where she chooses (usually the sofa!)

She is a velcro dog, a WCS who is very typical of the breed I'd say - I'm working on desensitizing leaving cues, but only after she's had a good old run about and training session as she is much more likely to be ok with it.

I'd welcome other stories of dogs who weren't left until older and have turned out ok with it - because my husband thinks I'm actually mad.

@ComeTalkToMe - my boy is 2 (November birthday). The first time I left him alone, without my other dogs for company, was about 3 months ago. Until he was 18 months he used to watch me shower and if the shower got misty and he couldn’t see me, he’d cry and try and force entry. Then, one day, he just didn’t come up to watch me shower. He’s a Goldie, so as with cockers very prone to SA!

I’m a firm believer that dogs can naturally learn to be alone with a bit of gentle guidance - they don’t need it forced on them. They need to trust it’ll be okay and you’ll come back - and if they can learn that by themselves, even better.

Some dogs will naturally be okay from day dot. But others won’t, and forcing a dog to be okay with being alone often ends in disaster.

We let our dog follow us everywhere. She learnt slowly that we were boring. If she wasn’t invited it wasn’t worth her while to follow. This then translated to the front door. If she followed we came back in and sat down. Boring. When she stopped following we extended time. Choice is powerful. If they don’t want to then it’s much more solid. She was 18 months before consistently ok for a few minutes. We then built up to a couple of hours very quickly and at 3 are now pushing that on a bit. We’ve taken our time.

Puppies, adolescents and young dogs go through so many changes. It’s worth not pushing them until they’re ready.

A neighbour got a pup and left it for hours 6 days a week, crated, with a short pop in at
lunch time. I saw her recently. Dog is about 2 now. He won’t leave the house as he’s so scared of everything. That stress he went through literally damaged his brain. She wanted a go anywhere dog to have adventures.

Thanks Landshark and Bupster x
And sometimes I do think that in my head regards why do people have puppies if they just have to leave them so young. The way I’m doing it may take us longer but it feels better for him.

That last paragraph has me so sad. That poor little pup.

I'm not looking to leave her for hours on end - ever, to be honest! But knowing that I could leave her for an hour or two (after working up to it!!) would be really helpful. Discovering the best way to go about it is the tricky part. Her comfort, safety and happiness obviously comes before everything else.

Can I vent please? Think I may scream! Or cry that I’m fucking my poor dog up …

So those dog mum friends I mentioned who are obsessed with me leaving him? Well not sure if they have been chatting about me but last night I had separate messages from them starting along the “Hey! How are you? How’s TellmePup doing?” That soon went into an inquisition of -
So how’s leaving him going?
Is he absolutely on his own in house every time?
How long for? You can leave a 4 month old pup alone for up to 4 hours,
You need to be doing at least an hour a day or HE WILL get awful seperation anxiety when you need to leave him
He MUST fit in with your life now not the other way round

Now o know there are some good points they are trying to make and I know it’s coming from a good place. But it’s making me feel so paranoid we’re going too slow and we’re setting him up for failure.

Feel a bit rubbish tbh 😳

You can leave a 4 month old pup alone for up to 4 hours,
You need to be doing at least an hour a day or HE WILL get awful seperation anxiety when you need to leave him
He MUST fit in with your life now not the other way round

Now o know there are some good points they are trying to make and I know it’s coming from a good place

None of those are good points when applied to a 4 month old puppy

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz Your friends would think I'm awful then. My puppy is nearly 7 months old and there is no way I would leave her home alone for four hours. In fact, she has never been left home alone. She has been left with another dog for two and a half hours. But when I had to take the other dogs out, my neighbour looked after her.
Puppies need to feel safe and secure. Leaving them alone to cry it out for extended periods before they are ready is more likely to cause SA.

Thank you both x It’s hard because I know they mean well and it’s coming from a good place. But if im honest their persistence and obsession with this one thing (and interestingly their dogs while lovely are far from well behaved, balanced anxiety free and are adult dogs) is starting to piss me off. Reading the posts here and your replies is a good reality check that all dogs are different. I’m just going to have to go broken record, smile plastered on when o see them tomorrow and keep parroting that yup, we’re working on it and we’ll do it gradually.

x

My three year old is only up to a couple of hours, partly as we've got to fit alone training in around full time work! Plus weekends we like to go and have adventures. We could have pushed it on quicker but what's the rush? Build solid foundations. It pays dividends in the end.

I've been out this morning and left mine for an hour and whilst she wasn't distressed she was a bit unsettled so I didn't go far and kept an eye using the camera. 4 months is a baby. I can't imagine any puppy or even adolescent dog that would be happy alone. Coping maybe but happy no. And coping is no good as it's knife edge if there is another stressor and can quickly go over the edge which is VERY hard to come back from behaviourally.

Keep supporting your pup. Once they stop following you around in the house then you can start popping in and out and take it from there.

@tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz

Depending on the breed of the dogs involved, if yours is from a more sensitive breed - you can be very robust that different breeds handle being left alone differently (i.e. a Cocker is very very different to something like an Akita).

But you are 100% doing the right thing. Go at the pace that works best for your dog.

They are individuals though. Last dog very little exposure training, on paper a much more needy breed. No issues being alone from relatively young (2 ish).

Current one much more independent. Very few have SA. What they do struggle with is frustration and they want to DO things with you. So whilst not being distressed, we've had to make following boring and it's much more rewarding to just have a snooze or potter around.

I have friends with cockers who have had no problems at all.

Having more than one dog is quite different too and again I know people who have had huge problems with that as when the older dog has passed away the youngster has really struggled as they've not learnt to be alone.

@survivingunderarock - we've essentially said the same thing.

My point to the poster was that if she doesn't want to tell her friends to fuck off (which I would have, long ago) then pointing out different breeds react in different ways is a very polite way to say the same thing...

Yes! Absolutely … he’s a Border Terrier and I’ve heard from numerous owners he’ll likely be a very robust fella. And like many of you have said I think the solid foundations are what will help.

Also the previous point about a fob being happy alone is very, very different to a dog coping and all you need is one stress factor suddenly thrown in and your buggered.

It’s taking all my patience not to tell people to fucking drop it, trust me 😁

I know this thread is a bit older now but I had some comments today about my 6 month old not being left alone for long. . We have done 5/10 mins while doing the very short school run and are working on coming in and out again but it’s slow progress.

we are also in a position where we don’t need to leave our dog - she is very happy to come out and about with us and has good manners when in a pub for example. Most of our weekends now are centred around her and the things we enjoy which is walking her and taking her to new places.

wondered if you’d got any further with your training @tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz or if you did just tell your friends to….😂

Hello Say 😊
Still at it with baby steps which is frustrating but I keep telling myself this is an investment in the long term. We are much like you in that he sits/lies happily in a cafe or pub for an hour (with treats 😁) so we take him out with us out and about a lot. Maybe that’s not helping with leaving him … 😂

Friends have backed off a bit although one has cooled considerably towards me after a slightly more assertive reply I gave her. A shame and I’m due to see her in a few weeks so hopefully it’ll all be ok by then. If not, we’ll, I’m too old for dancing around this shit with people

Everyone has an opinion which is fair enough, but all dogs are different and that needs to be foremost in peoples minds! Glad you are making progress albeit slowly, thats all you can do. Made me laugh as the person berating me for a young puppy not being left for hours can’t take their dog out as it won’t settle. Just goes to prove that what works for one doesn’t work for all

So strange as the person in my situation has dogs that are similar. Can’t sit inside any cafe or public place as will bark, jump up and fidget.

As you say all dogs are different - many experienced dog owners I know seem to forget this.

I wouldn’t expect much at such a young age tbh. Mine was exactly the same at 5 months and I was so worried that she would never be able to cope with being on her own. She’s now 12 months and can be left 3+ hours no problem at all. So I promise it is possible! From what others have said it’s clear there are many ways to get to the same end result you just need to find what works for you and your dog. I also WFH and my dog is bonded to me more than anyone. For us the magical formula was:
Time + repetition + creating a “want” for the crate.
Keep them slightly underfed and use the rest in Kongs/puzzles etc as already mentioned. Put treats in the crate with door closed so dog can see but not get to it, this creates a want to be in the crate. Eventually my dog would run to her crate and then we’d treat. Create an identical routine when leaving (much easier when you can start walking them properly) e.g. walk/crate/treat/radio on/I spray a room spray right before I leave it’s all little cues that lets them know this is what happens right before you go and come back. Don’t come home and take them straight out the crate, especially if whining/barking. Build some tolerance. Make them wee first then lots off cuddles and kisses! It’s really all about timing and tolerance. She also started going to doggy day care once a week after her first season, even though I was home, and that helped massively too. Let us know how you get on. I honestly never thought my pup would get the hang of it but she has and life feels so much easier. She actually loves her crate it’s a quiet safe space (in our bedroom though) where she can rest properly without kids running around and winding her up. It can work really well.

If anyone is reading this who is about to get a dog, you need to train them from the beginning to be left, meet their needs, but you absolutely can leave them alone from day one. (Obviously not 10 hours!)