Please help – serious puppy blues!

[peachgreen]

We got our 10 week old pup last week. We rescued her from a shelter – we went to look at getting an adult dog (as we knew we wanted to rescue) but they recommended this particular puppy instead as we have a 7 year old. She is a terrier/shih tzu mix and she is very sweet, but I am just not coping with the puppy stage AT ALL.

As some background, we had a Patterdale for 3 years who sadly died he was just 4 from a heart condition. He was DP’s dog and came as part of the package when he moved in with us last year, but he was a lovely (although not always easy) dog and I really enjoyed having him as part of our family. Having said that, if I’m honest when he died I would have been happy enough not getting another dog — I missed him but also relished the freedom and the peace and quiet. But DP and DD were both desperate for another dog and I could see that having a dog had a beneficial impact on our family life (more outside time, great for our mental health, DD is an only and loved finally having a “sibling”). So I agreed to go for it.

DP has had dogs all his life, and has had two other puppies, and he did warn me that it would be challenging. But God, I had no idea how hard it would be. It’s like having a baby – people warn you but they can’t really get across how hard it is. It’s only day 6 and I have cried every single day so far, including crying myself to sleep most nights. I wake up miserable and go to bed miserable, even if there are times in the middle that are bearable. I hate it. It’s like a bomb has gone off in my life and everything is completely out of control.

Giving her up is not an option – DD and DP would be heartbroken and I believe that rescuing a dog is a commitment that you can’t go back on (unless she displayed aggression towards DD, obviously). So I guess I’m just desperately asking for help, support and understanding. I feel like an awful person for feeling this way – I KNOW none of this is her fault, she is just a baby and she had a tough start in life, but God, it’s hard.

Things I’m finding particularly challenging:

1. Toilet training. Being vigilant about watching her ALL THE TIME is exhausting, and then so often it doesn’t even help. Today I spotted her toilet cues, took her out, stood in the rain for nearly half an hour to no avail, brought her back in the house and in the time I was taking my coat off she had pooed and peed on the floor. While I was cleaning that up she peed again in another room. DP gives me breaks to have a bath etc but I feel guilty every time I’m not there so I can’t really relax.
2. Sleep. We’re continuing her crate training (they had already started in the shelter) and during the day she’s absolutely fine – she goes in happily and although she doesn’t settle as well as she would if we let her just sleep on us / the floor, she does settle. But at night she barks and barks, and has pooed in her crate within minutes of us leaving her sight 4 nights out of 5. (We notice immediately obviously and bath her etc.) It feels like we’ve tried everything – sitting with her until she falls asleep, leaving a podcast on, shushing her, gradual retreat, changing her feeding time – but nothing helps. We can’t fit the crate in our bedroom and I don’t want her sleeping on our bed (upstairs is my daughter’s “safe zone” so dogs have never been allowed up there), and we don’t have a spare room etc so we can’t temporarily have one of us sleep in with her. It means we’re not getting to sleep until really late and then we’re just exhausted. I’ve had Covid and am really struggling to recover because I’m not getting enough sleep.
3. Early mornings. I’m not a morning person and never have been. Our old dog would happily sleep until 9. The idea that I have to be up at 7 every day for however long is making me want to weep.
4. Not being able to leave the house. She hates being left alone – which I know is normal – and I have no idea if or when DP and I will be able to leave the house again together! DD’s dad died when she was 2 and having DP in our lives, becoming a family, has been so healing for both her and I – now we’re back to having to do things separately and honestly, it’s making me so sad. We take the pup with us in the sling when we can but things like food shopping, DD’s gymnastics class, school events – there’s just no way we can do them as a family and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’ve been trying to leave her for short periods to get used to it but with her so often pooing in her crate as soon as we leave, it’s really tricky to do. The poor thing has had more baths in 6 days than our last dog would have had in months!

Please someone reassure me it gets better and it’s all worth it? As ridiculous as this sounds, it’s reminding me so much of when I had a newborn – when I had severe PND and psychosis, and tried to commit suicide – and it’s genuinely triggering awful memories of that time. The reason I only have one child is because I never wanted to risk going back to that place!

Please be kind. I realise I sound pathetic and I should have expected all of this. I just had no idea how hard I would find it and I don’t know how to cope.

We are 11 months in. You have to make puppies fit in around you and not vice versa. Our dog has never been caged. He sleeps downstairs and was used to that within about a week of joining us at 9 weeks.

He’s the 3rd dog we’ve had and we’ve never used a crate.

Sorry, I haven’t read all your replies – I will tomorrow. We tried with the pen but she still panicked and pooed and peed everywhere within minutes (despite having just been out and done both). It’s clearly a real anxiety issue for her. We’ve moved her crate into our room for tonight and we’ll see how it goes. Honestly I’m gutted as I really didn’t want do this and I’m worried that she’ll wake our daughter, but I don’t think there’s any option left – we can’t let her get so stressed she poos everywhere.

Advice very welcomed. Similar success stories even more so. 😢

I would probably do the same thing. She is still very little and the reassurance of knowing you are close by might help. I'd be so worried about creating problems further down the line by leaving her to cry it out.

I've watched videos and read posts by people who have done it gradually, so started with crate in bedroom then slowly moved it further away, then into hallway, downstairs over the space of a few weeks and have had success with it. Hope you get a more settled night tonight

Hi she's probably terrified & has trauma from her rehoming & new people/routine/expectations. Time, patience & wine (if you take it), are your friend here. Good luck.

The puppy blues are so real. They do pass. In a few ways pups are harder work than new borns, although they grow up so much faster. Within months, your pup will be sleeping through until 9am, won't dream of doing her business in the house, will be sleeping alone contentedly where you want her to and will be happy to be left alone. Like most pups, mine could do none of these things as 3 mo but could do them all a few months later. Yours will too. Right now it's incredibly hard work, full on, relentless and exhausting. I've been there with the tears, regrets, seeing no way to reverse decision but wishing I could. Soon I stopped wanting to reverse it. You're so right that people can't impart on new puppy owners just how hard it can be. The daily baths to clean off unmentionables at all times sound hard enough work to me.
I still have some training to solve with my adolescent dog (mainly jumping to greet people, pulling on lead, stealing and chewing objects which is more common in labs) but it all feels achieveable. Take turns with your partner so you get good breaks. I really recommend posting on the puppy thread too. You'll find so many people there who feel like you do. And just as comforting, so many who felt like you do and it got better. I personally didn't own or use a crate, pen or stair gate for my pup but if I had another puppy I think I would use at least a pen and stair gates to protect my sanity and keep him from picking up objects he shouldn't and it becoming habit. I personally don't like idea of crates but I've heard them described as similar to baby cot, creating safe cosy place to sleep so can see place for them when used well. Puppies and well behaved adult dogs can seem like different species. You enjoyed having adult dog in your family and chances are high you'll enjoy your new pup as she matures too. She's beautiful BTW. Very cute and fascinating mix of breeds. But having had a cute terror of a puppy I know how deceptive puppy cuteness can be too. Remember you're not alone, your feelings and experiences are shared by many and the puppy thread will help you remember that at the worst of times too x

You have to make puppies fit in around you and not vice versa

Not when it is a rescue. Even rescue puppies require very different handling.

It’s still very early days, we got our puppy in the summer so toilet training was a bit easier as we could be outside with our boy and leave doors open. He was pretty good, but I would say he wasn’t completely toilet trained until around 14 weeks. It’s going to be hard work for a while, you all need to be working together, but believe me it’s worth putting in the hours to properly train now. When our puppy went outside, he would get a special treat of chicken or sausage every single time and some very stupidly over the top praise for going (neighbours thought we’d lost the plot), but it worked, he soon realised he got a good treat and therefore kept it up. We crate trained and did have some accidents in there at first, but it got better as he got older and was able to hold it longer. I also didn’t feed after 5pm so we made sure he did a last 💩 before going to bed. Glad to see apart from puppy issues that you and your DD are doing well.

Our youngest dog is 2, so had all this not so long ago. She is the light of all of our lives, we all love her to bits, she’s so cute. This will come for you too.

So my youngest hated crate training, we put it in our room, right next to the other dog but she whined like hell. I slept next to it with my arm through, she still whined. Looking back I didn’t blame her, she’d come from a litter tucked up with siblings and Mum and just wanted the same. So away went the crate and she slept next to my other dog who became her replacement mum. We let her out a couple of times for a wee until her bladder got more able to hold on.

I’ve got incredibly food obsessed labs so all toilet training was done with treats, nothing for anything done inside, tons of praise plus treats when outside. They do catch on.

Buy a carpet cleaner if you can, they are amazing things. Accept the house may be a dump for a few weeks.

It’s such hard work at the beginning, I did most of it and was shattered, but unlike with kids it doesn’t last very long. They mature so fast. And that’s the problem, one minute you’ve got this tiny baby, the next seems to be an aged dog having one last consultation with the vet whilst your heart aches.

They’re worth it but the last part is the worst!

PS definitely keep her crate in your room, she’s a tiny baby and needs comfort of others nearby.

Oh and other biggest tip, walk off lead as soon as you can, puppies are programmed to stay close and come back to you, they realise their vulnerability. Means you can establish excellent automatic recall. Leave it later and it’s a lot harder.

Okay, I didn't want to mention this yesterday because I could tell you were already overwhelmed, but we tried a pen too after giving up on the crate. It was also a disaster. Our pup is a big girl – Golden Retriever – and she kept trying to climb out! I was sleeping on the sofa and woke up to her yelping because she'd got stuck on the top of it. We tried for a couple of nights but in the end we took it down and now we use it as a fence to stop her getting to a certain part of the lounge. I was hoping though that because your pup is smaller the pen would be the answer and I'm sorry it isn't.

I know you've said you don't have a room you can puppy proof – is the kitchen really not suitable?

The other thing is for one of you – preferably your DP – to sleep downstairs alongside the crate for the foreseeable future until she's used to it. As PP have said, rescue dogs often have more complex needs and it may take longer with her. I slept downstairs for almost two weeks after our puppy arrived but we have friends who did a lot longer with theirs.

In the meantime, I'm sending a big un-Mumsnetty hug. This stage is so bloody hard!

I remember feeling just like you and it was me who wanted the dog.
I recommend Easy peasy puppy squeezy book.
Also a rota to make sure everyone gets s break. Don't worry about letting your DP do most of it. I did practically all because i chose to have her.

We put the crate in with us until she was happily sleeping in it, probably for about 3 -4 nights. Then moved it to the living room and slept next to it for a night. Then we slept in our bed and she in the living room. She's now sleeping happily in it every night.
That's what Easy peasy puppy squeezy book recommended.
The book is quite good as its quite prescriptive.

Good luck OP. You're doing so well.

I think my brain has managed to blank the latest puppy stage I went through.
It was just over 5 years ago and I remember it being horrific and I promised myself I would never do it again.
As all dog care for the dog everyone wanted lands at my feet, I will never have another dog again after this one either.
I thought it would be ok as I have 4 kids but it really wasn't. The broken sleep etc and having to go to work nearly killed me as I was late thirties at the time verses early twenties when I started babies.
It does get better and it is worth it in the end but it is very hard.

Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart. I can’t tell you how much this has helped. All the googling was nowhere near as helpful as hearing your advice and support, and practical tips. I have joined the puppy thread and will definitely use it.

Last night I broke down on DP and we dug into why I’m finding this so hard. I think it is, unfortunately, all connected to the post natal depression I had when my daughter was born – it was very severe – and I never really dealt with it once I’d recovered. And as silly as it sounds, it’s the same feelings of uselessness and anxiety and “not being any good at this”. Anyway, it was useful to pick it apart. DP was wonderful and said he would rather do absolutely everything for the dog himself than have me feel like this. So I definitely feel less guilty about not pulling my weight which has helped. We agreed that I should focus on the things that help me feel bonded to her – training, snuggling etc – and he will do the things I’m struggling with. He also made me take a diazepam last night and let me sleep until 10 so I definitely feel a lot more human!

And having her in our room last night was a lot easier than the first time we tried. She only whimpered a bit when DP got up to go to the loo (she can see him where she is, but not me) but she settled okay when I reassured her. So hopefully that will work out. We’re going to leave her in the same spot tonight, then try covering the front of the crate tomorrow, then start moving it inch by inch! And we tried her in the pen while I was on my computer doing some Christmas shopping and she handled it beautifully so that’s making me feel a bit calmer about the office days (there will be two days a week where DP is in the office and I’m on my own with her whilst trying to WFH which I’m very nervous about).

So I’m definitely feeling more positive, albeit cautiously. And I keep rereading your posts that reassure me this will all be worth it in the end!

Oh and I made a box of high value treats to use specifically for toilet training so hopefully that will also help!

Yes puppies are exhausting but no one hardly ever talks about it!!

We had our boy in a soft crate in our room so I could hear him wake up at 5am for first wee. I would carry him outside so he had no chance to pee then would carry him back up and into his crate to sleep for a bit longer with no other interaction than that at that time of the day.

Someone else has mentioned Dog Training Advice and Support page on FB is AMAZING - there are lots of files to read to give advice.

It sounds like you are taking some really positive steps to look after yourself and the pup.

Treats are a great reward.
It does get easier . Just keep hanging in there

Great update @peachgreen! Sounds like having the crate in your room for now will build up puppy's confidence and your DP is a superstar for saying he'll assume the bulk of the responsibility. Glad you're feeling more positive about it all.

Oh and thank you all for the recommendation of that Facebook page, it has been useful already! A fairly positive day today – only one wee accident, a nice walk around the park (with her in a puppy sling) where I was able to both snuggle her and pay attention to DD (and get a coffee!), and now DP is having a nap while I do some Christmas shopping online and pup naps in the pen behind me (on top of, rather than in, her crate... but it's a start I suppose?!).

Don’t worry too much about moving her out of your room quickly - puppy sleeping in your room doesn’t mean you always have to have them there if you don’t want them there.

My uncreated dog was a real clingy puppy, literally couldn’t pee alone without him crying

he sleeps downstairs now, his choice