Getting a Rescue After Loss

[LostInTheSystem101]

Hi All.

We lost our dog last summer, he was old and tired, and lived right to the end. We were broken.

Our home just hasn't felt the same since. DP says he doesn't want another dog, but if I do I should get one. I saw one at a rescue, was on the way to see it after several days of me making sure it was ok with him and him saying "if it's right for you, get it". Anyway, he changed his mind, said we would have to get rid of the cat, the dog didn't 'look' right for me..

I was so upset and sad, I felt lost and empty.

There is another, he's not super old, only 6, but he's lovely. I showed DP, he is the same as before.

We do have a cat, he loved our old dog, but he is wired and lives mostly outside (his choice, not ours), and I don't think he would bother a dog at all. DP thinks differently and said he'd not trust him alone in the house with a dog - I should say; DCat is never in the house, unless he's sat in the kitchen with me, or sleeping in the utility room (which has an always-closed door).

This dog I've seen is at a rescue where they want to meet us both, not just me, in order to be considered. DP said a week ago he would come with me. We've had a couple of unrelated dramas since and not discussed it, and I think he thinks I've forgotten. Of course, I haven't.

How to I raise this with him again? How to I say to him to stop putting me through an emotional battle - he himself doesn't want a dog but thinks it might be a nice addition to the home. It's not going to replace our old dog, nothing ever could. But I don't have children, I'm 40, and I need to satisfy that maternal need in me somehow.

Am I out of order asking him, or should I just say we're going, and I want the dog?

Help!

Sorry to hear about your old dog, completely empathise as mine both died last year and the pain and sadness are awful.
I'm not quite clear what your partner is doing, he doesn't want anything to do with a dog but you can have one or he doesn't want a dog full stop?
If its the latter you really need to have a heart to heart. Actually, it's necessary whatever his view, having a dog impacts all areas of life.
Hope you get it sorted

Thanks for your reply.

He doesn't want one, he wants to do all of the things he couldn't do when we had the dog - these are all solitary pursuits, without being too outing, which leave me either home alone or at my allotment. I understand and respect that, of course.

I don't want to appear insensitive, and if it was an outright no, that's what I would want and expect from him - he generally doesn't mince his words. Instead I get "if it's right for you" or "if it's what you want then do it". Only, when I did attempt to, I was met with panic and had to cancel en-route.

I feel like I'm being selfish, but equally I feel like I need to be. I work really hard, in a dog-friendly environment, and I don't relish spending evenings and weekends alone really. I'm not a very social person outside of DP, through choice, but the company of a dog would be lovely to have again.

We have talked about it so much, he just shuts it down by saying we're not talking about it anymore. do I have to sacrifice this to keep the peace, and wait until he decides he wants one? I've already said if I'm not getting a dog then I'm going to renew my passport, travel a bit, and look at getting a different job. The only perk here is the fact it's dog friendly! Ha!

I would wait a bit. Why not go and travel solo (if he doesn't come with you). Look at another job. Then after some of travelling, perhaps taking yourself off on your own hobby (something like Petanque or archery or rock climbing or singing or art courses - whatever might be of moderate interest) and then think again re the dog. Is having a dog more important than travelling, etc. is there stuff you can do with your husband - what do you have in common?

Thanks, Pippatpip.

I spent 8 years travelling in my 20s, so it's less of a desire and more of a 'something to do'! DP has a few solo interests, he wouldn't want to travel, plus we have the cat, so realistically it would be weekends away rather than anything grand. We talked about all the things we could do when we were dogless. Realistically, we haven't done any of them - we've even eaten out at the same dog-friendly places we used to go!

I'm 40, so I really do feel like I know my mind and what works for me. I am just trying to supress to irritation that we will get a dog when he wants to, I suspect even if I said no he would go for it!

We're not married, just long-term living together. What we have in common isn't huge, it's eating together, walking, people watching - no hobbies or such like. We've always had a dog, and I can't face not having that distraction any more.

I'll give it a couple of months, and see what happens..

We've always had a dog, and I can't face not having that distraction any more.

I'm well aware this is in The Doghouse but can I ask what you are trying to distract yourself from? Are you trying to keep so busy you don't see the cracks in your relationship? You don't do any thing together and you believe that he would over rule anything you want or desire - maybe it's time to get rid of DP and start looking for another human to fill that gap first. The Relationship board might be a good place to vent.

I'm sorry about your loss, these furry things do manage to steal our hearts very successfully.

Hi AutumnFroglets - thank you!

Yes, it's a distraction from that kind of thing, but the thing is. the relationship as it is is far more about companionship than anything else. I'm not a very physical person, and I have a long-term health condition, and DP knows, understands, and accepts that - it works for us to be independent but together, if that makes sense?

I couldn't have kids and so I've always had to fill that maternal gap, which is huge, with something else - DCat is lovely, but is not a house/lap cat, he doesn't 'need' me in the same way a dog does, which is why I am so lost without DDog around! Probably not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but one that has worked for me up to now.

DP doesn't have the same need as me to have that thing to care for/take care of, so, though he tries to understand, he's perfectly happy without having a dog. We do still go for the same walks we used to, just dog-less now, which makes the emptiness feel even bigger for me

but the thing is. the relationship as it is is far more about companionship than anything else.
But you've already said that he isn't there as he either works or does solo hobbies. You eat together and walk together, that's it. That's not what companionship is about imo, it might be more about safety or financial security but you need to admit that to be able to decide if having a more empty life is worth the trade off and whether a dog distraction is just papering over the cracks. But anyway, you seem content with what he seems to offer you and that's fine, I was just asking. We all have different needs

So. Can you give him a sort of ultimatum. Either discuss about getting another dog properly where you will hear (and try to work through) his concerns or you are getting another dog anyway. The first option gives him a veto if he brings valid concerns. So far he hasn't.

Thanks AutumnFroglets.. Yep, I see your point re companionship - I think, as things are, it seems to be enough for us both, relationship-wise.

Good idea re the ultimatum/chat - I would totally accept valid points, of course, and anything that would genuinely negatively impact him. I am trying to be delicate with his mental health, too - I know he took the loss very hard, we both did, I think a 'new' dog (it would be a rescue, as our previous was), might help him, as much as it will help me..

Thanks for taking the time to respond xx

I am sorry about your dog.
I think that you can only get a dog if everyone in the house is onboard, you may not agree with your DH but I think you have to respect his opinion and unfortunately remain dog free for now

Thanks, Hoppinggreen. Yes, totally. My concern with that is he wouldn't - if he wanted it, he would get it (that's kind of how our relationship works). I am trying to consider him without sacrificing what I want too much. that likely comes across selfish, I know! We don't have a 'traditional' relationship, really - we are two people who live together and share moments, but who are largely separate from each other, too, so we only really bend as much as the other does..

I will wait a while, it would have to be the right dog, anyway, and see where it goes :)

I’m sorry about your dog. You need everyone on board to get another though as it’s a lifestyle choice. It would also need to be ok with cats or a puppy. Your cats habits will change as it gets older (mine has).

Thanks, survivingunderarock (great name!)

Yep, any dog would be a rescue with a cat and dog history. DCat is fine with all and any dog/cat/animal - he just hates children! Hehe!

DH, last year, was clear that although he didn't really want another dog, he wanted me to have one if I needed to fill that gap. He didn't want the tie or the guilty feeling that he wasn't doing enough for the dog, so it had to be my choice, my dog, and my responsibility to sort out all walks and dog care.

The new dog thinks he is a human god and lies across his lap gazing adoringly into his eyes. He is Disney Dog Dad.

We're all strangely happy with how it's worked out.

@MonsterSister I have a strong feeling that is exactly what would happen with us! And that is exactly how DP puts it, it's mine, my responsibility, he will walk with me/it, play/stroke, but doesn't want to be accountable.. Until it's there, I imagine!

It's good to hear from someone in the same position!

@LostInTheSystem101

i think some posters are perhaphs not really understanding your relationship. It unconventional (all good as long as you're happy!) and you're both independent. He doesn't dislike dogs or anything, so as far as I'm concerned you're good to get a dog, as long as you can be fully responsible for it.

He said if you want one you should get one, then doesn't think this one is right for you. Did he explain his thinking?? Does he think it's too big/strong/small, too much grooming or exercising needed or what???

if you want to rescue this dog, then he needs to explain himself!! Or go with you to get it (and be enthusiastic when there) he cannot say he doesn't want to talk about it anymore, well, not without consequences anyway!

@MonsterSister

i think this is FAR more common than people are willing to admit!!

@AmelieTaylor yes, I think it's tricky for some people to get how it works for us, but it does, mostly!

I was on my way to meet the dog when he had this slight meltdown, it was a frenchie, 6 years old, she has now found another home. He said it was her eyes that weren't right...

He is adamant it would be my dog, and I would be happy with that. My issue comes when he says all of these things, then when it actually came to going and meeting the dog, I was in the car, on the way, that he suddenly had this flip. then the next day, he said if you want it, get it.. It's a bit of an emotional rollercoaster!

I think I will sit down with him in the next few weeks and say look, I need to fill this hole, is there a real reason you don't want one, I'm happy for it to just be mine, but I don't want the yes/no/yes any more..

Hey OP have you considered a second cat instead of a dog? They're less work (as you know) but if you got an affectionate one it might fill that emotional hole. And your DP might find an extra cat less of a bother to him. Just an idea.
Best of luck.

Hi @heldinadream no, another cat would be a no - D generally dislikes them hugely, and ours is a hunter, which we both hate, so risking bringing another death-machine in to the house is a no! Also, it's the companionship of a dog that I crave - taking them out and about, all that kind of thing.

Good suggestion though, thanks!

As an interim could you volunteer with something like the Cinnamon Trust, which helps elderly people keep their dogs when they aren't able to walk them any more.

Rescues usually want everyone in the household to be on board/enthusiastic about adopting as it's unfair and confusing to the animal if one person doesn't really want it, is avoidant, scared and therefore treats it differently. As when the reality doesn't work out the pet is returned.

Suggesting unfair to cat when you clearly have considered them in the search and then when that's failed its he doesn't like the dogs eyes which is scaping the barrel of excuses. DP is clearly showing that whatever he said about being ok with it, he didn't mean. Whether the reasons are he's still emotionally struggling with the loss of your dog and not yet ready for replacement or he really just doesn't want a dog sharing his space you need to find out.
If it means you can never have another dog with DP maybe you will have to consider whether the relationships still compatible as it seems to be important topic for you.

While you figure things out, you'd be better off getting your doggy fix elsewhere, volunteer walker at rescue, cinnamon trust or helping someone out locally with walks. If you get to stage where DP appears willing perhaps you'd be better off testing this with short term fostering placement, if your cat is the brave type.