How to move on from losing my best friend?

[NormaNormalPants]

Name changed for this as I’m trying to give the illusion of coping in real life and I’m really not.

We’ve heartbreakingly just had to put down one of our dogs after finding him with a broken leg. He’d just turned 8 and should have been in his prime, instead within hours we had a diagnosis of osteosarcoma and were saying goodbye. I’m utterly bereft. He was my best friend, but also my rock during my pregnancy and a tough maternity leave. While I know deep down putting him to sleep was the right decision, my brain is struggling to compute how he could go from seemingly fit and healthy to gone in the space of a day.

I’m also struggling with where we go from here. Our remaining dog is understandably subdued and withdrawn. He’s never lived in this house as an only dog and I’m worried how he’ll be when he realises his friend isn’t coming back. We’re absolutely not ready to have another just yet (I’m honestly not convinced my heart will ever be ready), but I worry even when we do reach a point when we’re ready to consider it we’ll struggle to find a rescue or breeder willing to consider us as we have a nearly 18mo DD, and what that’ll mean for our remaining dog as he had terrible separation anxiety before we got our second. We’ve already cancelled a number of plans as it doesn’t seem fair to leave him for any length of time.

I guess I’m asking how on earth do I get over this? He was like my shadow, a true velcro dog, so I sense the loss of him in every thing I do. I’ve never felt such a bond before so it truly feels like I’ve lost a part of myself in all of this, and that’s knocked me a bit as I’ve lost animals in the past but it never felt like this.

I also wonder when we are ready to move on how we go about it? A lot of the stuff I’ve read suggests getting a new dog with a toddler is just about as close to insanity as one can get, while some breeders state on their websites they won’t consider you until your child is 6 or 7. I used to homecheck for a charity so know looking at rescues would also likely be fruitless until DD is older. Do we just need to accept it’ll be several years before we’re in a position to have another dog?

So sorry if this is a garbled mess, I’m barely eating or sleeping and have managed to catch the latest toddler plague so have far too much time on my hands to overthink everything. Any advice would be great, but please be gentle as I’m incredibly fragile right now 😔

I'm really sorry for your loss, OP.

In terms of how you get over it. You don't. I still miss my first dog. I still miss my childhood dog. I still miss my most recent loss (and often have a little cry over him). But you learn to remember the good (even those times you hated the little bastard for rolling in fox poo and chewing your favourite shoes) and not the loss. It takes time. But you'll get there, eventually.

I lost my Cocker about 18 months ago. He was the littermate of my other Cocker and I had a third dog (Dalmatian). My remaining Cocker likes my Dalmatian well enough, but they have never slept in the same dog bed or even really sought each other out, they just 'existed' (if that makes sense) together. They enjoy each others company, but they aren't close. But her and the littermate that I had PTS? Best friends. The day I came back without him, I could see the worry in her eyes - they hadn't spent a single day apart in eight years. She didn't let me out of her sight for about a month. If I had to go into the office, she cried in my parents house all day by the front door. She wouldn't eat or drink when I wasn't there. I was likewise, a complete mess. I loved my remaining dogs, but the one I lost was my best friend.

'Moving on' is different for everyone. I lasted a bit over month before I got my puppy - because I just needed something to focus on and I felt like if I didn't do it, then I never would. But my best friend has waited over five years before between dogs.

But, what I will say is don't get another dog just because you're worried your current dog can't cope with the loss of your old dog. Older dogs and puppies can be rough going (really bloody rough) and it not like YouTube videos where they're best friends straight away. Sometimes it works well - but often it requires a significant amount of effort. Dogs can be very resilient and even if your dog has SA please don't forget he still has you and your family even though he's lost his friend.

I can't advise on a toddler/puppy - but I do know people who have done it. It's hard work. I know responsible breeders who have sold to people with toddlers/young children because they prospective buyer has proven that they know what hard work it will be. You just need to be realistic about what you would/wouldn't be able to cope with and how dog savvy your daughter is i.e. could she cope with a mouthy puppy at her age or even in 2/3 years?

And remember, it's more than okay to grieve. It's okay to not be okay - and you shouldn't try and hide it (even to try and protect others). He was your best friend.

Oh love, I do feel so very sorry for you. Losing a beloved dog is the most heartbreaking pain. They are such dear, constant friends, so loving and devoted to us. I don't think it helps that your loss was so sudden and unexpected so you had no time to prepare, nor that your dog was so young. What a terrible shock and a horribly painful loss.

I lost my dear dog very suddenly in august and am still bereft. What I can say to you though is that it does get easier, I promise. I still have moments when I am bereft, no less painful when it happens, but less frequently all the time. Looking at photos and videos of all the wonderful times we had together is a great comfort to me.

You are not alone. This grieving process is normal and you will come through this. Things will get better. Be kind to yourself in the meantime.

So sorry but I don't have any answers about getting another dog. I would say that whilst you are trying to be kind to your your pup, not leaving him for a period of time might stir up separation anxiety again when you do have to leave him home alone. Perhaps try to keep to his normal routine - I'm sure you know him best though and will do what's right.

It sounds as though your darling dog could not have been happier or more adored. I bet he was so very glad to have found you and spent his life in your loving care right up to the last. I hope that you can treasure your memories of him and that you find comfort in having given him the best life a dog could dream of.

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as though he had an amazing life with you. We got our first dog when DS1 was 5 yo and DS2 was 1 yo. It was hard work but I managed (just needed eyes in the back of my head).

Thank you so much for your kind comments. He really was one of a kind. Mad as a box of frogs, but in the best possible way. He’d had a bit of a rubbish start to life so when I first went to see him he was so timid, but in time he grew into this HUGE personality that loved everyone and everything, it was such an honour to see him blossom into the pup he became. He had such a zest for life, it doesn’t feel real that he’s gone.

I absolutely adored him. Before DD he was like a child to me, in fact I still considered him my baby boy after she arrived. He was the sweetest, kindest, cuddliest boy and I’m sorely missing the comfort he’d give me on a rubbish day or him “cheffing” with me in the kitchen each night. The house is so strangely quiet without him.

DH and I had said we couldn’t face getting another dog any time soon, especially as our remaining boy is in his twilight years, but I just don’t know anymore. The pain feels all consuming right now, I’d do anything to ease it, but equally don’t want to rush into anything whilst everything is so raw as ultimately nothing will ever replace him and the bond we had.

OP, I’m so sorry, my heart goes out to you. We lost our beloved rescue dog in very similar circumstances last year, she was only 7. Osteosarcoma is a horrible diagnosis, so you absolutely did the right thing, devastating as it is. We had two weeks with our girl before she died at home 💔
Right now things are raw, you are probably in shock and just beginning the long journey of grief. What others have said is true, it does get easier but there are good days and bad. I too find looking at photos and videos of happier times provide a lot of comfort, just to see our girl’s smile or hear her bark again.

We got a new puppy three months later, mostly for our second dog who was so, so sad and regressed behaviour wise when his big sister died. I felt it was too soon and felt guilty at first for loving another dog, but it does give a new focus for all
the love that has nowhere to go, if that makes sense. I still miss our beloved girl every day, but we tell our puppy all about her big sister and that keeps her memory alive.

I can’t advise on toddlers and puppies, suffice to say puppies are very hard work!
Take time to grieve, dogs are incredibly special and I wish you all the best, you will get through it, just take all the time you need.

DH and I had said we couldn’t face getting another dog any time soon, especially as our remaining boy is in his twilight years, but I just don’t know anymore. The pain feels all consuming right now, I’d do anything to ease it, but equally don’t want to rush into anything whilst everything is so raw as ultimately nothing will ever replace him and the bond we had.

It absolutely can help to get another dog - it gives you something to focus on (it did for me) and it is not a replacement, but rather an opportunity to develop a different sort of bond with a new dog. But you need to be 100% sure because it's not just about you or your family, it's about the puppy you'd take as well. In my case, I knew that if I didn't get another dog I never would because of the manner I lost my cocker (aggression).

Give yourself a week or so, or longer, of proper grieving and then circle back around and have a think - and think about the practicalities as well as the wants. You have time. You could have months, particularly if you are fussy about dog breeding and want a healthy puppy from a good breeder - so take your time.

What you don't want to do is get a new puppy because you miss the companionship on walks, or something to snuggle with at night or to curl up on the sofa with or to help you chef! Because a puppy can't (and really shouldn't) give you those things until they're older - and you might end up resenting the puppy for not doing all the things your old dog could do.

It sounds like you gave your boy the best life possible, OP, and he was truly one of the family. When/if the time does come, you'll do the same to your next dog.

@CantBegin I’m so sorry you’ve been through it too. It truly is the cruelest diagnosis, especially when it robs you of a young dog in their prime.

What you’ve said makes perfect sense, and definitely gives me some comfort. It’s silly as I was saying to DH last night if he’d been one of the horses I wouldn’t be thinking twice about getting another. Not to replace him, but as a positive outlet for the grief.

DH has a good friend who is an experienced dog trainer so I’ve reached out to see if she has any thoughts on what breeds might suit our life now we’ve got DD. I have a few breeds in mind, but having done some research I’m not sure they’ll be quite right for us at this stage of parenthood. It’ll be interesting to see what she comes back with.

@Devilshands sorry I didn’t mean that to sound flippant, it was more a brain in turmoil, tossing and turning to find a way to be comfortable in a world without my shadow, but thank you so much for your comment as these are all valid points to consider.

We absolutely know what a commitment it is, and wouldn’t even consider acting on getting a puppy unless we were 110% certain. Although the dogs are (were) well beyond puppyhood, we have two young horses so I’m well versed in juggling their training around work and DD. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie, but it’s not impossible, and what it does for my sanity more than makes up for all the militant time management.

All our animals are with us for life, through good and bad. They’re literal members of the family to us. So if we do decide to go down the route of bringing a new dog into the family it won’t be done lightly. But you’re right, we have a lot to consider. Thankfully of the few breeders I’ve looked at, most seem to be taking deposits for next year’s litter so we have ample time to research what will be best for all of us.

The possibility of resenting the puppy for not being more like my boy we lost is honestly one of my biggest fears, and probably why my initial reaction was to never want another dog again. But I don’t think it’s a rational fear. My youngest horse is like a giant version of my heart horse that I lost a few years back. Every so often we see glimmers of my old boy in him, but he’s very much his own person is his own right, and whilst I take comfort from the similarities, I’m very aware that this a new relationship for us both. I’m hoping it’ll be the same if and when we get our next pup.

@NormaNormalPants you didn’t sound flippant at all! You sound like you’re struggling to make sense of what is best and what comes next - and I wanted to offer my perspective on the bits I found hardest which genuinely were remembering my new dog is a puppy so obviously can’t climb into my bed a night.

I still see glimmers of my cocker in my golden (the way my cocker waited for his food with his paw suspended is the same way my golden waits). But you’re right, it’s different. The familiarity is heart warming for me but then the moment goes and I remember. The fact they are so different in terms of appearance does help.

@Devilshands thank you, I really do appreciate it. I think I’m lucky (ha!) in some respects as my boy was an utter oddity for his breed (his colour for a start was completely unheard of for his type) and his traits were so dissimilar to any other I’d met so I know it’s super unlikely I’ll ever find a dog like him again, even if I tried. My DH always wanted to do a doggy DNA test out of curiosity, but I said there was no point as we loved the oddball whatever he was and didn’t need to spend £60 to be told he was unique. In hindsight I kinda wish we had done the test now so I knew what other breeds to explore, but again, none of that would bring HIM back so it’s kinda pointless.

I think like you I need a clean break with something completely different. It helps that what we want from a dog has changed significantly since we got our boys. We now have DD to consider, and while she loves the dogs…dog… there are definitely more family oriented breeds out there.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my beloved boy last year, it was very sudden but not unexpected, but he left behind his half sister/cousin, she was utterly lost without him, she lost the twinkle in her eye, she wouldn't settle and would follow me about the house, wouldn't go up in the garden even if I walked up there, so I did bring home a new dog sooner than I thought I would, he has been an absolute tonic for me, my older dog was horrified, then returned to puppyhood and loved him and is now fed up with the annoying little brother, but she will always look for him first if we go out with out her and he is the first thing she wants to see when we get home if I take her out alone, but he has done an amazing job of keeping us occupied and stopping us from being swallowed up in our grief, I did chose an entirely different breed so there would no comparisons.