My dog behaves badly at mine but not at 'co-owners'

[pontipinemum]

My dog is some sort of pug/ cavalier/ possibly Yorkshire terrier mix. He is 9.5 years old.

He spends half the week with me + DH and half with my ILs. Long story short, we had two dog for about a year who used to stay at mine together. One got out and was killed 😭he managed to jump a high wall and was hit by a car, we live rurally, maybe 1 car passes every 2 hours on a road that has grass up the middle. They didn't even stop.

Noel, the remaining dog was very lonely so I used to drop him at ILs on my way to work and collect him. I now WFH so Noel spends the week with us and weekends with ILs, they missed him and asked for him to visit.

At home though he is up and down, barking to get out, barking to get in. Goes crazy to try and make me give him treat. He will go to where they are an howl. I do give in or put him outside for a minute to 'calm down'. We leave nuts out all day so I know he isn't hungry.

We also have a 1.5yr old DS who Noel isn't too fond of. He didn't mind him until he could walk. He has growled as DS a few times but we don't leave them alone together. But he (Noel) will ignore me all day apart from barking but when DS comes home from nursery he will want to be near me all the time.

MIL says he does not behave like that at her house, he lies in front of the fire. Or cuddles beside FIL on the couch in the evening.

He is also gone very hard of hearing. But we are careful not to sneak up on him.

She said I have him spoilt, maybe I do?

Sorry I don't really know what advice I am looking for, more so just a rant.

Dogs pack bond. I'm not sure how good it is to have him switching homes even though you are being kind by making sure he's well looked after. It sounds like he feels safer and more settled at ILs from what you've said

Can the ILs not take the dog FT? It sounds like the dog is very unhappy and a dangerous situation for your toddler potentially. If you're WFH I'm guessing you're not spending any real time acknowledging the dog, the barking is a means to get attention.

Could dog go and live permanently with the other household?
Dogs need a lot of exercise and good discipline
If he has s making a racket and you are giving him treats, you are simply training him to behave that way .

Dog clearly knows he can train YOU to give in to him.

Sounds like he needs training by someone who knows what they are doing ( Don’t reward bad behaviour !)

He doesn't know that he has a "co-owner" because that is not how dogs work. They have one owner, they have one home. He is spending some time with you, but wondering when he can get back home. As nice as you are to him, in his little head, you are the pet-sitter not his other parent.

Agree with this.

Dogs don't do well with change.

Your dog lost their pack mate and hasn't had a stable home since. It's been shoved back and forth like an unwanted child. Poor thing. You've done the opposite of spoil him - your MIL is talking shit, quite frankly.

But the shoving the dog back and forth cannot continue. It's not fair on the dog.

Another vote for the dog staying full time with the ILs. He sounds stressed and unhappy.

Thanks everyone,

@Springcleaninginsummer I think he does see this as his home. When he is as ILs and I am over there he follows me around. Wants to sit on my lap and 'tells me' he wants to come with me - he stands by the door and barks, and sort of gestures with his head.

He is currently lying on a puff thing behind me in front of the fire and seems pretty happy. It's when he sees birds etc through the front door window. Or thinks he hears something.

@oakleaffy I used to take him for daily walks but he isn't interested anymore. We live on a farm and he goes out for a little walk around the front garden then sits near the gate to gently woof at nothing in particular. I would guess he sleeps about 70% of the day. I know it's an old saying, but genuinely can I teach an old dog new tricks? He wasn't like that when he was younger (the barking for treats) I think he forgets he's just had one.

He is the furthest thing from an unwanted dog. He is very much so a valued member of the family and everyone loves him.

But of course we want what is best for him and for him to be happy.

He doesn’t sound happy. To be honest i’d sent him to your in-laws because of your ds. If he ends up with scars, or worse, because of your dog you would never forgive yourself. It’s hard to keep them separated/watched 100% of the time.

Have you considered having him assessed by the vet? Some things you mention sound like he could be developing dementia.

@Springcleaninginsummer I want to take him to the vet. DH is hesitant, I think because he is worried what we might find out. I think I'll just take him myself.

He’s probably really grieving the loss of his canine housemate.

We had a Lurcher and a Whippet a couple of years apart in age - When Lurcher had to be PTS ( at home) The vet said “ He may take on mantle of being top dog, or he may dislike it.

He saw his beloved’s peaceful body on vet’s advice “ to stop him looking for her”..

He never really got over her passing.

With the wisdom of hindsight, I’d have got another dog to keep him company-

My friends dog lost his companion, but flourishes as only dog.

He’s 12 and loves his walks still.

Dogs are very good at training us

Mine does a pathetic little whimpery quivery quiet baby puppy noise by the treat zone sometimes- I realised that she was actually training ME!

She knows that I’m susceptible to a baby sound of a poor starving little Whippet, and the treat jar would open and she’d be given a chicken foot.

They are quick to know our weaknesses and exploit them!

Has he other dog friends to walk with?

He sounds gorgeous. Fingers crossed that it is something that you can sort for him. Let's hope he carries on woofing at the invisible rabbits!

@Dragonsandcats I know, no one thinks their dog would bite but I really don' think he would. But I don't leave DS alone with him. I know what you're saying though I can't always be there. Noel more so says 'little DS leave me alone!' I constantly tell DS to be gentle and keep him away. But he's a little kid and is fascinated. Noel weighs about 7kg

@oakleaffy I'm not sure I wrote what I wanted very clearly. We had both dogs together for only about 1 year. Dog 2 died 7 years ago, I don't think it's because of that. He got on fine being an 'only dog'. But it is after that he started going to as MIL called it 'nanny day care'

and yes he does have us wrapped around his little paw!!!

I agree with this, and I absolutely hate the MN dementia response to everything but these are my thoughts too.

I have had a few animals that have lived long into their twilight years and a couple that the vet confirmed were suffering from senility. My current old feline wanders around the house yowling, day or night, constantly wants to be fed (she has three meals a day as it is because she’s old and lean). Goes outside the front door and walks straight down the side and in the back door, literally two minutes outside then wants to go straight out the front again!

as with some elderly people I think you may just have to be tolerent.

He may well have dementia but if he doesn’t exhibit the same behaviour at the in-laws then surely it’s a no brainer that they have him FT if they can accommodate him

He’s a very small dog- and little dogs generally age far better than larger ones.

He ought not be getting cognitive decline at his age- 9.5 years is nothing for a small dog.

He’s a ‘ Veteran’ but by no means old.

Old dogs definitely can learn new tricks - especially when there is food involved.

Mentally challenging puzzles and “Hide the treat “ so he has to sniff around searching for it is an indoor game they enjoy.

Make the hiding places progressively harder

Their noses sound like an express steam train 🚂 while searching for treat😂

( Probably best played when toddler is asleep)

If he is a bit deaf, then definitely don’t let the toddler touch him when he’s ( Dog) sleeping .

We have a dog where it's the other way round. She's well behaved at ours, very calm, and less so at the in laws where she spends holiday, the occasional sleep over and most days while we are at work. 2 days a week one of us is wfh so she's with us.

She acts how we want her to act - she's bright. So she rarely bothers me on my wfh day, and maithers my husband more. She acts up more with the in laws as she is spoiled there.

She seems aboslutely fine with the arrangement and delighted to arrive at whichever house..

Agree with this. He is not old for a small dog and is probably thoroughly bored, fed up and unhappy at yours as he is getting no exercise or daily stimulation.

I think most people believe that little dogs don't need much exercise because of their size but that is definitely not the case! In fact, a lot of the time they need more.

My 13yr old JRT has skin cancer, an auto immune condition that affects her skin and has degenerative liver disease yet the highlight of her day is going out for a walk/run. She will happily walk for 3-4hrs still and comes out running with me up to about 8-10k. She definitely can't manage as far as she used to these days and spends the rest of the day sleeping but she still needs exercise, just as older people still need to keep moving to prevent both physical and mental decline.

Absolutely this ! JRT’s are active little dogs, both mentally and physically
Glad to hear yours is still enjoying life and walks despite health issues
👍
Our approx 12 Yr Lurcher had Cancer but loved her walks, they were the highlight of her day.

Friend has a Whippet a couple of weeks off her 15th Birthday at moment- she loves sniffy walks and still has her moments of running.
She does get a little confused sometimes and needs her routine at almost 15.

My other friend with an old dog - a Staffie- is a wheezy snorty waddly boy but he gets two 45 min lovely country walks a day
Cognitively he seems fine, just a bit arthritic
( almost 13Yrs)

I just can’t see why people are implying a small dog of just 9.5 yrs is old and senile 🙃

If he was a giant breed, that would be different.

Agree with pp, sounds as if he's bored out of his mind at your house. Yes, dogs do sleep a lot when they get older but it's very possible he's sleeping so much because he's bored and he shuts down for large parts of the day.

Have you had him checked over at the vet regarding the lack of interest in walking, my small breed dog (not one of the breeds you mentioned) is nearly 13 years old, is still playing and chasing her ball, and is bouncing off the walls if she ever has to miss her daily walks.

You say you leave food down all the time? That isn't a good idea, as most dog will just eat and eat and get fatter and fatter. If he's over weight that might very well impact on his desired to walk too far.

As pp said 9.5 isn't that old for a small breed dog. I'd be at the vet trying to get to the bottom of his lack of enthusiasm for life at that age if he were mine.

By all means get him seen by a vet, but I don't think any of this sounds like dementia. It sounds behavioural, especially as he curls up and relaxes at the IL's.

Personally, I think you need to think about what's best for Noel, and not about what you want. His behaviour is clearly showing that there's an issue - he barks all day, won't go for walks with you (which is highly unusual in a healthy 9yo dog) and isn't happy around your toddler son.

Do right by him and let him have a happy life with your IL's.